[wildflowerchild25]

This is not bipolar related but I don't have anyone else to ask, I don't know any child grief specialists, I trust everyone's judgment here. I know most of you have probably no experience with this but just think about what you might say. I'm at a total loss.

Just as a refresher, my son is almost five and my husband, his father, passed away from an opiate overdose about four months ago.

So my son's fish died today. He was a little sad but not too broken up. He said the fish would be in heaven with daddy. I told him that was true. He asked me why the fish died and I told him the fish was sick. He said just like daddy! And then he said no, daddy wasn't sick, daddy went splat (he told his preschool teacher that daddy was hit by a train, I have no idea where that came from). I said no, daddy didn't go splat. Then he asked me why did daddy die?

Wtf do I say to that? I couldn't answer, I iust got choked up by tears. I said daddy was sick, but then he asked if daddy went to a doctor and I couldn't think of what else to say. How should I explain it to him? I think he's too young to explain about drugs and overdoses. I'm going to tell him that when he's older because he deserves the truth, but he's too little now. But he wants to know. So should I say daddy took too much medicine? That might make him afraid of medicines. He might be afraid for me because he sees me take medicine. But I don't want to outright lie because I don't want him to find out the truth later. Should I just go with daddy was sick? Technically that's not a lie. He was sick with addiction. But that's not entirely true either.

I just don't understand why this had to happen to me. Why am I agonizing over how to explain to my little buddy why his daddy died? Daddy should be here with us. Why did this happen? It's so ****ing awful I can hardly comprehend it.

Does anyone have ANY advice? If you don't who do you think I should ask? I have my social worker coworker at school and my therapist.

I don't know what to do.

[wiretwister]

his father was sick .... that's a fact and all your child needs to know at this time ... as he gets older you can explain his sickness to any degree you want to ...

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I would go with he was sick but clarify that it was not the same kind of sickness that you catch with germs and make sure he's not terrified of getting sick or of anyone he loves getting sick. You can also say that Daddy did everything he could to get better because of how much he loved your son but that something happened he couldn't control and that was why he died or something like that so he knows daddy didn't go away because of anything related to your son or anything he did.

I'm sure this is extremely difficult and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

[~Christina]

My heart breaks for you

I do think you need your T's help figuring out how to help your son understand this at his current age and emotional age also. I would "think" maybe your son seeing a T for a while could be very very helpful for you and him both.

Therapist would be the one to ask. I am sorry for your loss. Sounds like you are doing well in a horrible situation.

[vjdragonfly]

That is a tough one, but I do agree to tell him that Daddy had a sickness. Maybe you can tell him that he waited to long to get help from the doctor. I would reassure him that Mommy wouldn't let that happen to him. Just a thought, you are definitely in difficult place. Your T would probably be the best person to ask though.

[raspberrytorte]

Hugs wildflower.

You could tell him that daddy had an accident (technically that's not lying).

*hugs* to you both.

[Edgar's Mom]

Do you have access to a child psychologist who can use things like play therapy? I've known one who was awesome with kids but I get the sense they are hard to find.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Homeira]

I feel so terribly, terribly sorry for you and your sons loss! And I hope the issue of finding a therapist will be successful.
However, have you considered family therapy? I would think that a family therapist migth be of help in this situation. I am an occupational therapist, and I know that a lot of us work with children (f.ex. play therapy, group therapy).

http://childrensbooksguide.com/death
This is a link to a site that has a list of childrens books abouth death and grieving. I like the site because it has a fairly good description of each book. Some of those books are also helpful for you I think. Maybe it can offer some consolation and help in the grieving process for both of you.

[wildflowerchild25]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I think I am going to say daddy was sick for right now. It's the easiest to explain. As he gets older I can reveal more. I will definitely tell him before he hits adolescence; I want him to understand that addiction runs in our family (my grandpa, mom, and uncle are/were alcoholics) and that doing drugs for him is very dangerous.

I don't think he's really ready to see a child therapist right now, he really isn't processing much of the death at the moment. I think it will get harder for him as he gets older and then I will put him in therapy to help deal with it.

Thanks again everyone, I was just kind of in a panic. You all made me feel better. I'm also going to talk it over with my therapist and see what she recommends.

[Homeira]

[jules77]

i'm so sorry for your loss. I believe i have some very helpful information i hope you can look into. I lost my father at age 10 in a car accident. 3 months after he died, i attended Comfort Zone Camp. Google them. They are a bereavement camp for children who have lost a parent, sibling or primary caregiver. They have camps in NY, MA, VA, CA, IL (sometimes) as well as NJ, where i can see you are located. seriously, this camp has changed my life. the camper is paired with a "Big Buddy" who has also lost someone in their lives (they're all over 18 and pass background checks). I've volunteered there after i became old enough to do so. It has changed my life in an incredible way. the campers are in a place where it's safe to talk about grief and loss, and it's explained to the younger campers in a way they can comprehend. they are not alone when they're at czc. no awkwardness like in school and everyone is accepting. a big plus is it is FREE. sounds too good to be true, but please look it up. non profit organization, small camps just for 3 days or so, but truly a miracle for so many. they're based in virginia but have other offices, a large one in NJ. they have supports for parents as well. It is the most amazing thing I've done with my life.

i might add - i know your son is 5 or so, and the camps are for children ages 7-17, but comfort zone does an incredible job working with families at no charge to find resources in the community, help parents discuss grief and loss within the family, and will wholeheartedly accept your son when he is old enough to attend. my life has been changed irrevocably, and i have let go of my guilt and i honor my father every day.

[HeavyMetalLover]

So when I was at an IP clinic sobering up, I had a similar question, only how to explain to my kids why Mommy had to go away for a while to get better. That was the first time I tried to get sober.... anyway, my counselor at that time told me that since kids relate to stories best (like some adults & some of us become authors) to tell them about addiction in the form of a story. Here's the story the counselor told me to pass on to my kids:

There was a little girl who found a magic bike. This bike lied to the little girl & said" I can make you happy for your whole life. You will never be sad again!" The little girl thought this sounded wonderful so she asked the bike how to be happy all the time. The bike said ," All you have to do is get on & ride me down the street." So the little girl got on the bike & started to pedal. The bike went fast and the little girl loved it! She was happy; just like the magic bike told her she would be! She was never happier! So the little girl returned to where she found the bike every day & every day she rode that bike. Every day, the bike went faster, faster & faster & the little girl loved it because she was so happy! But then, one day, the little girl's Mom died, and she was sad. She went to talk to the bike. The bike said, " You have to ride me faster if you don't want to be sad." So the little girl did, but she was still sad. Then, she pedalled faster. The bike then came alive. It went faster & faster on its own. Then it headed straight for a wall. The little girl tried to stop but the brake was broken. She got scared & begged the bike to stop but the bike wouldn't stop. She got more & more scared as the bike kept going faster towards the wall. Finally the little girl got so scared, she jumped off the bike. The bike crashed into the wall & broke into pieces. The little girl knew the magic bike had lied to her & she was okay because she jumped off the bike.

You might embellish some details or change them here & there but use the analogy that the magic bike is addiction & it makes people sad because it lies to them & steals from them. But if they jump off they can get better. Some people never know they can control their own fate and get themselves better if they don't believe magic bikes.

I changed a few details so my kiddos could understand and wouldn't be afraid of bike( I had to reiterate that bikes don't really talk) but they eventually understood what happened to Mommy. They were older by a couple years when I finally got & stayed sober but they knew it wasn't their fault. They said Mommy was silly for believing a talking magic bike... again. They were right. I was pretty silly.

I don't know if this helps at all in your situation, but it worked with my kids. Just thought I'd pass that one on. ((((Hugs)))))

[Victoria'smom]

Your son knows that it was something not to tell people or he'd be telling them that he died because he was sick. Tell him that his dad was taking medication the doctor didn't gI've him. It made him very sick and that's what happened. Mom takes medicine that the Dr gives her.