[BeyondtheRainbow]

I had a tough session with my therapist today (I cried. A lot. I haven't been able to cry and he's pushing me really hard and , followed by my annual physical with a flu shot and blood draw. Then I got a nasty migraine on the way home.

When I got my mail I had a letter from my psychiatrist that seems to have been sent to all her patients (although I'm having a hard time not thinking it was to all her pain in the butt patients which I feel like I've been lately because I've needed her a lot but I also know she wouldn't say that). She has to cut her patient hours because of her other job so is asking patients to join this thing my hospital does that I can't explain well but it's kind of group therapy/group dr. visits. Research supports it and people report liking it but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work for me. If you can't/won't do that and she can't schedule individuals frequently enough then she'll be releasing them to another dr.

My pdoc and I have a very close relationship. We could be friends if she wasn't my dr. She's been my pdoc for a long time (13 years) and has been through hell and back with me over and over. I can't stand the thought of not having her as my dr. To my knowledge it's been fine scheduling me and since I'm on SSDI I really can go anytime she wants me although she's been letting me come on my therapy day to save part of the driving (she's 2.5 hours away).

I'm having a hard time not taking this to mean she wants rid of me and believing this letter went to everyone, even though I know it did. She's kept me through several other changes that required her to cut her caseload before. I'm just scared.

And scared is too much. I don't want to start crying again; it will not help my migraine. But I have this feeling of dread about seeing her Monday and I already was pretty worried about this appointment where we'll finally be deciding how to proceed with treatment and where I'm advocating to do something really different.

I'm so tired....Part of that is the migraine medication but part of it is the stress. ugh.

[wiretwister]

take a deep breath,, calm down ,, let's wait till you see her and not worry ,, like you said the letter went to everybody ,, ... and you have a long relationship with her,, ...

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I know. But I also know I've probably been one of her most high needs patients for months now and in general for years now. It's hard to ignore that she hasn't been as responsive as usual lately and that last week she said she'd help me and then I never heard from her, even after calling to ask about it several days later (except she was off some this week and was undoubtedly trying busily to prepare).

Last year she cut half her caseload and kept me. So that's good. And I am easy to schedule since I'm on SSDI and can come any time she has a space. She's been scheduling me so that I have less driving but that certainly doesn't have to continue if it makes it so I can see her. But this letter gives the impression she is not going to be seeing many individuals. I just can't have that change right now. I couldn't deal with it ever. But now is so hard.

I want so badly to email her and ask for reassurance but if she didn't answer then I'd just convince myself it was because she didn't want to reject me via email. This just makes me so anxious and it's probably nothing.

Monday feels like it is a month from now. It was hard to wait before, now it is REALLY hard.3 more days...