[Nammu]

Some of you know I'm trying to pack up most of my junk and clean. Anyway I came across an old pill book from 2000. In it I checked off everything I had ever been on that I could remember and checked off side effects from 2001 until 2008 when there was a note that I quit psych drugs for good. There was an angry note that the new pdoc was upping all the meds.

By 2011 I had no friends left. I know there was a few times in between then and 2013 when the long darkness started and I quit her too that she wanted me to see someone for meds. One of those times around 2012 I did see someone but they put me on trazodone and I ended up in the hospital so I didn't stay on long. In 2013 I spent the majority of the time in my bed. April of last year I started meds again. It's really soul shattering to see that I didn't do as well as I thought for nearly as long as I thought I did. I took as proof, that meds were bad when the trazodone episode landed me in the hospital. But trazodone is an AD, something I can't handle...especially alone.

I did find out though it was the depakote that nearly did me in with liver problems. Couldn't remember if it was that or the tegretol.

It's good to have the info on what meds had what side effects. I had thought I hadn't been on lithium since the 1990s but there it was, I was on it when I chucked the meds is n 2008. That, topamax , lamictal and seroquel.

Lost weight with no problem after I got rid of the meds. It's the reason I tried to quit latuda earlier this year. But it's not the AP wonder if it's the lamictal...but I think maybe I need to stop messing with it and accept the BP diagnosis.

Found a print out from this site that I wrote when I first joined. I was upset that my T wrote down BP and PTSD as a diagnosis. I wrote that I had told her I had depression and was over the PTSD she should accept that. Right! on the advice of someone here I printed it out and took it with me to see her. She listened but still said I was BP , I just refused to accept it.

It's kind of scary the things I don't remember. Maybe I am insane. I keep going down the same road over and over, falling into the same hole....then forget and repeat. This is very depressing and hopeless.

I had a similar feeling finding some of my old details and journals. Maybe I am just crazy and can never be fixed. Others held on to hope for me. I got mad for a while that things had been crap so long, but now I am on to sadness and anxiety.

I've destroyed my old journals because they're just too distressing. I don't want to go to those dark places again.

Weird,huh? I only have journals of when I am happy.

I dislike old writing, it's always like someone else wrote them.

Lamictal is suppose to be weight neutral. I wish someone would inform my thighs!

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

Weird,huh? I only have journals of when I am happy.

That's a great idea...wonder if I can get me to do that?

[mathrye]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

Weird,huh? I only have journals of when I am happy.

Ditto. I mean, I track ups and downs in a mood chart regardlesss.

But the personal journal that I keep detailing where I go and what I do with whom is intentionally written through rose-colored glasses. That way I only look back on happy times. I'll just skip days if there's nothing interesting/good to say

[neverending]

I destroyed my old journals too.

Originally Posted by sidestepper

That's a great idea...wonder if I can get me to do that?

It is a great thing to do. It is really cheery, to read it later, when you are depressed.

I have gratitude journals too. But they can make me feel worse as I dont feel any happiness from it yet.