[Edgar's Mom]

I can't even figure out how long this depression has lasted, it's been so long. With the exception of a couple of hypo weeks earlier this year, this depression stretches well back beyond this time last year.

I had such hopes for the ECT and it's not working. In fact, I feel worse after these past few treatments. My last (9th) treatment is on Friday and my depression feels both desperate and unbearable.

I had thought the drugs they were using for my treatments might be affecting me and making me feel depressed, but the ECT nurse said that even if they did, it shouldn't last for days after. I need Toradol for pain and it has caused depression for me in the past. They use it, and who knows what else, but since they stop me breathing, I'm guessing they are all depressants.

If it's not the drugs causing me to feel worse, then I don't know what it is, and if the ECT doesn't work, I don't know what I'll do.

I see my pdoc on Thursday before my last treatment.

I've promised my husband I'm safe (and I am), but I resent being tied to life right now. I just don't know what else I can do.... I was so counting on this ECT to work.

[mom2trips+1]

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

I can't even figure out how long this depression has lasted, it's been so long. With the exception of a couple of hypo weeks earlier this year, this depression stretches well back beyond this time last year.

I had such hopes for the ECT and it's not working. In fact, I feel worse after these past few treatments. My last (9th) treatment is on Friday and my depression feels both desperate and unbearable.

I had thought the drugs they were using for my treatments might be affecting me and making me feel depressed, but the ECT nurse said that even if they did, it shouldn't last for days after. I need Toradol for pain and it has caused depression for me in the past. They use it, and who knows what else, but since they stop me breathing, I'm guessing they are all depressants.

If it's not the drugs causing me to feel worse, then I don't know what it is, and if the ECT doesn't work, I don't know what I'll do.

I see my pdoc on Thursday before my last treatment.

I've promised my husband I'm safe (and I am), but I resent being tied to life right now. I just don't know what else I can do.... I was so counting on this ECT to work.

I am so sorry that the ECT is not working. I had 10 treatments in January and February and at the time, they were not working. However, several months after they ended my depression lessened. We had not changed much in the way of medication so I attribute my improvement to the ECT although it was a delayed response. I hope this happens for you. ECT is so tough. I know from my experience it is a lot to handle. I, too, had a lot of pain going through it. I am sorry and wish it were working. Hang in there and maybe you will see improvement in the upcoming weeks like I did.

Mom2trips+1

I hope it turns around for you. I had my course of ECT all July into Aug. I felt that the response was near immediate. However, comparing 'notes' with others in the hospital, not all of them shared my positive experience. But one woman was having her 3rd course of treatment (in 12 years) and she suggested her own experience took some time to take effect. She still felt it was positive and welcomed the opportunity to repeat the process.

ECT worked a little for me.. before ECT I'd quit eating and drinking and just stared into space all day. After 5 treatments or so, I started eating and drinking again. I've had my 51th and last treatment six weeks ago. It didn't improve my mood any.

[wildflowerchild25]

Eft for me did not start working until the 13th treatment. And I had to have bilateral. Unilateral does not work for me. But around my 12th treatment I still felt horrible and I begged my dr to stop the ect and start me on seroquel because it worked last time. She refused and said just hold on. I did and I finally started feeling better. But it doesn't work for everyone. I hope you will experience a delayed response at the very least. Sending positive energy your way!

Breadfish made an interesting comment about, despite her mood not apprently changing, she was able to function again.

[Ripose]

Hi Edgar's Mom, I have not had ECT but I can understand the frustration of a treatment not working or even making matters worse. All i can do is suggest to start Lamictal after your last treatment, it has worked very well for me so far and I just had a dosage increase in the hopes of further reducing the depression. But so far it has already helped more than any medication I have tried. I just increased to 225 mg.

I truly hope you feel better soon!

My husband required more than the basic 9 treatments. It was about treatment 12-13 that things started improving.

[raspberrytorte]

edgar'smom - I really want the ECT to work for you! I hope it does. Thinking about you. Hugs.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Are they definitely stopping at 9? That just doesn't seem like many. It seems like my hospital does at least 9 IP and then a few more weeks IP or OP at maybe a lower frequeny (I think twice a week instead of 3x/week IP). I know they don't seem to think 9 is that many there.

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Are they definitely stopping at 9? That just doesn't seem like many. It seems like my hospital does at least 9 IP and then a few more weeks IP or OP at maybe a lower frequeny (I think twice a week instead of 3x/week IP). I know they don't seem to think 9 is that many there.

Yes, I think 9 is the bare minimum and, in my experience, they evaluate at that point if they need to continue. Mine always stopped at 9 because I responded well. My husband had to go on and I think they ended up doing a total of 15 or so. At that point they felt good about stopping. It varies with the individual.

[Edgar's Mom]

I want to thank everyone for the positive thoughts and well wishes...

I saw my pdoc today. He signed me up for another 6 tx. I asked about another 9 and he said he doesn't like to do more than 15 and 6 is the most he'll do.

He wants me to go IP. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I haven't been IP since I was in my early 20's (I'm 46 now) and it was a horrible time. I feel all sorts of things, but mostly dread. It makes sense why he wants me there, but my reaction is visceral. It takes me back. I feel triggered back to some very dark times. Paper slippers and med line ups.

I also have a house full of animals to make arrangements for as well as my horse and the new little part time job I just got at his farm. I haven't been able to work in years, and this tiny (3 two hour shifts) job means a lot to me, as well as makes my horse's board much more affordable.

He wants me to be ready to go in the last week of October.

I told him that I don't have much faith in it helping me anyway as I'm extremely articulate and out-going. Even those who are closest to me can't tell how depressed I am most of the time since I seem very high functioning. And being around people makes me even more so. It's why I withdraw when I'm depressed because it's exhausting to be around people.

Anyway, changes on the horizon.

I'm scared.

[Edgar's Mom]

Originally Posted by Ripose

Hi Edgar's Mom, I have not had ECT but I can understand the frustration of a treatment not working or even making matters worse. All i can do is suggest to start Lamictal after your last treatment, it has worked very well for me so far and I just had a dosage increase in the hopes of further reducing the depression. But so far it has already helped more than any medication I have tried. I just increased to 225 mg.

I truly hope you feel better soon!

I'm very happy that Lamictal is working for you Ripose. I just came off of it in order to have ECT since it is an anti-convulsant. I had been on it since 2006 along with Seroquel. They were a new med combo that my pdoc at the time was keen to try.

I'm not sure if I'd be going back on it, but I doubt it since I took it for 9 years... I've lost 20 lbs since going off of it and Lithium so that's good, although my pdoc doesn't think so. I was pretty overweight so I think it's good.

[tigger_57]

I hear your fear over ip ... but will it not be worth it short term , if the treatments help ...

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I know it is scary but hospitals have changed a LOT in 20+ years. Not a paper slipper in sight at mine (we all get grippy socks and can wear slippers or slip-on shoes and I think we can check out sneakers during the day although nobody ever does and I'm not sure about that). There aren't med lines because the nurses document on computers and need to see everyone individually. At my hospital that's changed just in the last 6 years. 6 years ago there weren't med lines but meds were passed in a hurry, a cup of them per person. Now they open each packet and go through each med they are giving you and mark it off and also do a little assessment each time. I know every hospital is different but all of them will have changed for the better in that long. There are so many changes in privacy laws and patient information/right to know what is going on with your care laws and accountability for staff and the like, it's just all changed.

I know that probably won't help until/unless you get there and see it for yourself (because that's how I felt before I went in the first time 6 years ago this month; nothing I was told except for a little that my pdoc told me about the specific unit I was going to be on really helped.) But when I got there I wound up crying for the first 3 or 4 hours because I felt like I had gotten to somewhere that I was safe and could just be me, the depressed me I was fighting so hard to hide, and it was ok to be how I felt. And also I cried in relief because it was so not scary as I had pictured it in my mind.

Hopefully the extra ECT is what you need. But if you have to go IP it's really probably not at all like you remember. They're never perfect although mine got rid of the nurse I hated and improved the food about about 800% so I have few complaints (crappy social worker is about it).

[tigger_57]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

But when I got there I wound up crying for the first 3 or 4 hours because I felt like I had gotten to somewhere that I was safe and could just be me, the depressed me I was fighting so hard to hide, and it was ok to be how I felt.

that is beautiful ... so wonderful .... thank you for sharing ...

[Edgar's Mom]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I know it is scary but hospitals have changed a LOT in 20+ years. Not a paper slipper in sight at mine (we all get grippy socks and can wear slippers or slip-on shoes and I think we can check out sneakers during the day although nobody ever does and I'm not sure about that). There aren't med lines because the nurses document on computers and need to see everyone individually. At my hospital that's changed just in the last 6 years. 6 years ago there weren't med lines but meds were passed in a hurry, a cup of them per person. Now they open each packet and go through each med they are giving you and mark it off and also do a little assessment each time. I know every hospital is different but all of them will have changed for the better in that long. There are so many changes in privacy laws and patient information/right to know what is going on with your care laws and accountability for staff and the like, it's just all changed.

I know that probably won't help until/unless you get there and see it for yourself (because that's how I felt before I went in the first time 6 years ago this month; nothing I was told except for a little that my pdoc told me about the specific unit I was going to be on really helped.) But when I got there I wound up crying for the first 3 or 4 hours because I felt like I had gotten to somewhere that I was safe and could just be me, the depressed me I was fighting so hard to hide, and it was ok to be how I felt. And also I cried in relief because it was so not scary as I had pictured it in my mind.

Hopefully the extra ECT is what you need. But if you have to go IP it's really probably not at all like you remember. They're never perfect although mine got rid of the nurse I hated and improved the food about about 800% so I have few complaints (crappy social worker is about it).

Thank you so much for this. It does help to hear all of this.... very much. He wants to admit me anyway, even though he's already signed me up for another 6 ECT. I guess I might be IP for some of them if I go...

One thing that I rebel against is the fact that I'd be voluntarily giving up some freedoms... I'm middle aged and I'm used to doing what I want. The idea of needing permission to come and go, needing a pass to leave, and not having access to a computer or my phone grates on me a little.

My family all seem to want me to go. I guess I should take that as a sign that I need to go. Except my hubby will have a hard time as he works long shifts and we have three dogs. So I'd have to get a dog sitter in to look after them.

I'm not optimistic about the food situation. The food might be tricky because I'm vegan, but I can bring in some of my own.

What would I do in there all day? Sleep?

I think I will probably agree to go and have already started making arrangements... I told the barn I work at and they are supportive, and I've called on some friends who might help with the dogs. I'm very nervous about it though...

Your post was very helpful, and it makes sense that it's much different today.

I'm also much different than I was then and am not in the same kind of crisis I was in then. It's painful to be reminded of it though... as my last series of hospitalizations were punctuated with self harm or suicide attempts. It's not a time I like to remember.

[Ripose]

I understand completely your fear and hatred of going IP. I would do anything humanly possible to stay out of the hospital. I see no benefit to be put IP when doing so would create more damage than it helps. I still think I have PTSD from just the one time I was there, I guess being a loner from the Alberta forests at the base of the Rockies is what really causes my fears.

I know you are a lot braver than I am and more rational too, so I think you might be uncomfortable going but you would handle it very well. I wish you all the best when the time comes.
Oh and raise a little hell while you're there.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Even the phone/computer thing may be better than you think. My hospital has 2 phones for patient use (and free long distance) that are on all the time except for group times and late at night. There is also a computer. I don't think that's as common but various people have had access in some way to email, there was a thread about this a while ago.

Where I am there are groups that keep us fairly busy during the day. There are visiting hours which I always have to find things to fill because I'm too far from home for visitors but they always have some craft stuff out or I read or if I can sometimes I do sleep a bit. I usually take in a few logic puzzle books. It's hard to do them when I'm that unwell but it does give me something to do for a while. There's a TV but I don't watch TV at home so I generally don't IP either. Last time I did watch a few episodes of a marathon of something. The other thing that I did a LOT of the last time was just talking to the other patients. Once we played a game to fill some time. My unit even has a Wii.

We get lots of food choices and cobbling together a vegan menu wouldn't be impossible. We also have access to snacks and a refrigerator where we can keep stuff from home plus it is supposed to be stocked with some snacks like fruit and yogurt.

I'm glad you're finding solutions to the problems that go with IP. I have had to try to deal with getting 2 cats boarded or having someone go up to take care of them in the past and it felt like one more enormous thing I had to handle and was completely overwhelming. Right now I still feel like the worst part of ECT would be the stress of being away from my very old, can't possibly have that much time left, kitty for several weeks.

I know it is hard and the anticipation is the worst part but hopefully they can help you. I know my pdoc said that the biggest trick for me would be coming up with an effective AD to start after ECT was over (b/c I've been on pretty much everything and the only one that has worked is the MAOI I've been on the last 6 years and it's not working as well now.) I still blame the Seroquel for that but regardless I will need an option or two.

Take care

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

Thank you so much for this. It does help to hear all of this.... very much. He wants to admit me anyway, even though he's already signed me up for another 6 ECT. I guess I might be IP for some of them if I go...

One thing that I rebel against is the fact that I'd be voluntarily giving up some freedoms... I'm middle aged and I'm used to doing what I want. The idea of needing permission to come and go, needing a pass to leave, and not having access to a computer or my phone grates on me a little.

My family all seem to want me to go. I guess I should take that as a sign that I need to go. Except my hubby will have a hard time as he works long shifts and we have three dogs. So I'd have to get a dog sitter in to look after them.

I'm not optimistic about the food situation. The food might be tricky because I'm vegan, but I can bring in some of my own.

What would I do in there all day? Sleep?

I think I will probably agree to go and have already started making arrangements... I told the barn I work at and they are supportive, and I've called on some friends who might help with the dogs. I'm very nervous about it though...

Your post was very helpful, and it makes sense that it's much different today.

I'm also much different than I was then and am not in the same kind of crisis I was in then. It's painful to be reminded of it though... as my last series of hospitalizations were punctuated with self harm or suicide attempts. It's not a time I like to remember.