[cashart10]

Left a beautiful group for the evening. I was able to pay close attention but my focus was on believing everyone in the group noticing my insanity. I came home to over an hour long shower. I tried to praise The Lord but it didn't work. I began by cleaning the hard to clean soap scum off my walls with my thumb nail. Yuck; I know! Then I tried so hard to fall in love with Jesus the way I used to love him. When I am alone...when I am alone...when I am alone just give me Jesus. It didn't happen though. Instead I realized just how crazy I have become. I wanted somehow the outside to match the inside of my insanity...like it used to.

Possible trigger:

As ludicrous as I now see it to be, I tried to scratch the agony out of my gut to let the Holy Spirit have a clean entrance. It left me with painful scratches and blood blisters only that burned in the water and the soap. I only pray my husband doesn't see it.

I tried to recreate my joyful psychotic incident, holding hope that it wasn't psychotic. I sat down, laid my head under the water and listened to the powerful sound of the water muffling my ears. It sounded a bit like the ocean. I smiled and stayed there until I realized it was maddening. I got out of the shower and couldn't cry. Now I only pray I'll sleep. My world is simply falling apart and I want NO ONE I love apart of it.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

You aren't "too far gone" but you are in a bad place and you need to keep in close contact with your pdoc. You probably should let him know about this sooner rather than later.

I hope you get some rest. I think maybe you need to let your husband see and to let him help decide if you need some help with the kids for a few days until your meds are working at the new doses. This sounds like too much to handle all by yourself.

You're not too far gone. But you probably know its time to take a prn and try to settle for the night.

[Pastel Kitten]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time, but I agree with the others that you are not too far gone. I do think you should get in contact with your doctor if you're feeling this way. It couldn't hurt, but not doing something could. It will get better.

[cashart10]

Thank you all very much. I went to lunch with my husband this afternoon and got into the subject of me being the god of proficiency. He asked me if I really believed that since "I didn't seem to get anything done." I told him that I am a god of proficiency because I see and understand the world better than anyone else. I advised him that my thoughts are the most proficient. He said I wasn't making sense and wasn't in touch with reality. As a result, he is on his way home from work because "he doesn't believe I should be alone" and "doesn't know what to do." Well, I am afraid with him coming home early and no kids here, he will want to make love and then he will see the blood blisters all over my stomach. I don't know how I will hide them or what I could say to make sense of them. What if he tells my mom and/or my sister? He will freak out. I can't tell him for a second I was trying to release pain and allow the Holy Spirit in through cleanliness. He will completely lose it and think I am going to start casting demons and acting like a maniac again. What do I do?

[Victoria'smom]

Tell him you don't want to make love.

[cashart10]

That would be the logical solution but he usually mags me to death if there are no kids around because it happens so infrequently. But, I had to pick my daughter up before he made it home and when he got home he said he had to go straight to the garage and get to work. Off the hook for now.

[cashart10]

Plus, I thoughtaybe I could get away with telling him I laid on my back with my stomach under the water for an hour and it itched and I didn't realize how badly I had scratched. Is that terrible?

[Victoria'smom]

Making an excuse? That's not bad but be honest with pdoc and t.

[cashart10]

Sorry to keep harping on this. The last time I felt so far gone, so out of control, it was a good 6 months before I regained sanity. 6 months. I can't survive that again. I was unmedicated at the time but, at the same time, medication has not served me well thus far. I just got further and further out of touch until I just disconnected which I have already began. I crave isolation and loathe spending time with my family for the most part. It's getting worse. I feel afraid and not remotely ecstatic or gleeful at the moment. God-like, yes; masterful, yes; superior, yes; invincible, yes. I keep waiting for that moment for the Lord to take over, to provide that heavenly high that is so indiscriblable, and to make me his own again. But, it won't, because it isn't reality. And I know it. But, I can't help but chase it.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

What has your husband said since he got home?

Are you sure you don't need to go IP to stop this train before it derails? This time does not have to be like last time. In fact I find that even though I expect it to one episode is never like another, at least not fully and often they are alike enough to scare me that I'm repeating hell but are actually different when someone else describes what they are seeing (that someone else generally being my therapist or pdoc because I don't trust anyone else's perceptions).

Going IP isn't just about safety, it's about stopping the uncontrollable thoughts and you know that it is easier to do that the less they have taken root.

You just sound like you are in a very precarious position and that it scares you and I think IP may be the fastest way out of that. And much easier than trying to make up stories to cover injuries or trying to drive or do anything requiring a lot of focus when you feel like this.

You had some really good, low medication months. The sooner you have meds that are working aggressively the sooner you can get back to those times instead of the misery. Can you work it out to take the haldol regularly for a while until the med increases have time to work? Or get back into IOP if you don't want to do IP?

I'm worried about you. I don't want you to be like me, stuck in an episode that won't stop after nearly 11 months and facing several weeks IP without a big surprise in the next few weeks (b/c I have to be IP for either of my last 2 treatment options==ECT they don't think will work well or to get off Seroquel (meaning out of control brain in a way that terrifies me) to go on Clozaril.) I so wish I'd gone many months ago and increased my chances of this not happening with a short stay.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

What has your husband said since he got home?

Are you sure you don't need to go IP to stop this train before it derails? This time does not have to be like last time. In fact I find that even though I expect it to one episode is never like another, at least not fully and often they are alike enough to scare me that I'm repeating hell but are actually different when someone else describes what they are seeing (that someone else generally being my therapist or pdoc because I don't trust anyone else's perceptions).

Going IP isn't just about safety, it's about stopping the uncontrollable thoughts and you know that it is easier to do that the less they have taken root.

You just sound like you are in a very precarious position and that it scares you and I think IP may be the fastest way out of that. And much easier than trying to make up stories to cover injuries or trying to drive or do anything requiring a lot of focus when you feel like this.

You had some really good, low medication months. The sooner you have meds that are working aggressively the sooner you can get back to those times instead of the misery. Can you work it out to take the haldol regularly for a while until the med increases have time to work? Or get back into IOP if you don't want to do IP?

I'm worried about you. I don't want you to be like me, stuck in an episode that won't stop after nearly 11 months and facing several weeks IP without a big surprise in the next few weeks (b/c I have to be IP for either of my last 2 treatment options==ECT they don't think will work well or to get off Seroquel (meaning out of control brain in a way that terrifies me) to go on Clozaril.) I so wish I'd gone many months ago and increased my chances of this not happening with a short stay.

I am so sorry for all that you are experiencing. I know that it is and has been horrible for you. I hope that you have a short IP stay and that which ever direction is taken will work thoroughly for you so that you can find some relief. You deserve it.

Thank you for your concern for me! Yes; I certainly did have several wonderful months on very low medicine and I am inclined to forget about it right now. Shame on me for that. This is scary for me. I am still afraid to read everything I have to say to my therapist and may read some and hold some back. I think I will decide based on her reactions and in the spur of the moment.

I understand your feelings about IP but mine are in strong opposition. My doctor is monitoring me very closely and said himself he would prefer I did not go in as he could not control or maintain my meds. I am supposed to be very freely using the Haldol right now and I have a feeling I will soon be medicated to a zombie like condition. Honestly, I still do not know if the strong meds will help. I feel like I am a lunatic. Seriously. I think my husband is not in disagreement. He has been unconcerned about me since he got home. He has been in to check on me and the kids but mostly in the garage working on a car. He just wants me to be locked away, taking 5 minute showers, not driving except out of necessity, keeping the TV on constantly, and spending every waking moment in someone's sight. I can't say that I blame him. But, I don't allow him to control my showers. I told him he must give me something I need; he must give me some form of compromise so I often take and hour long shower or just stay until the water freezes over. It is my sanity (or often my necessary insanity). I often talk to myself and debate with myself over whether or not I have lost my mind. I told my husband I am talking to myself again and he asked if I am hearing voices. I am not but that concerns him greatly. I am wrapped up in music so heavily that it has overtaken me, become my breath. I listen, I sing, I dance, I live it fully almost constantly. There is nothing about reality inside of my mind it seems. I just need to steadily return to my family, to my reality, to my daily life and I must figure out how to do it along side of my medications.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I hope you know that I am just saying what I said because I care. I didn't mean to seem like I was shoving IP at you and I think I did even though I was trying not to do exactly what I did. I also didn't mean to be "poor me" in there; I'm actually doing a little better right now although I'm cyling a lot so I'm trying not to get excited (plus the time change-blech). But I think if I were where you are I would be too afraid not to go. You have a better sense of your far limits than I do about mine; I rely on others well before you are unable to decide for yourself.; even right now I'm on the "if my therapist says I need to go I go" plan. But I know if I was scared of how I felt I'd want to be somewhere safe. (Having said that I realize I've stayed out of the hospital a number of times before when I was terrified of how I was feeling.......I used to lie to avoid it.)

I do understand about the pdoc being involved thing. Mine isn't at the hospital I go to but within the same hospital system and up to now the dr I've seen IP has always been great about consulting with her and not doing things to my meds that she didn't want to be done. He is leaving this week so it will be different now but hopefully his replacement will do the same. I've even gotten to see her once when I was IP and she was on weekend call and she made an immediate change, removing a med she didn't want me to be taking. Before she worked for the hospital she tried hard to keep me out so that someone else wouldn't adjust the delicate balance of my meds without talking to her first. So I know that's important (and how blessed I am to have the particular system I have that lets the drs. communicate and that acknowledges that she has treated me forever and knows what is likely to work).

I'm glad the showers help. Once when I was IP and it was weekend so the drs. weren't there a med I had been given to try to calm me that wasn't doing a great deal anyway had a paradoxical effect and made me even more agitated. The nurses kept encouraging showers and I think I took about 4 of them that day. The next day I had a 1:1 aide but still took several showers. I guess just be honest with at least your pdoc about everything going on in the shower and I know you are. I do think if the self-injury progresses at all you may need to reach out to him sooner than your next appt. but he seems to be pretty accessible unless he is on vacation so that's good.

I know telling a new therapist all of this is really hard; like I said I was once in that position and it was hard for both of us. I had to adjust to an entirely different approach to handling things than I'd had in the past and I think he would agree that we both had adjusting to do. But one thing was good: we formed a bond and started working well together very quickly because we had to. I'd never had that happen with a therapist before and those first few months have played a role in how we've done well for nearly 10 years. So as nerve-wracking as it is it can be good to have someone with a fresh perspective there in a difficult time.

I'm sorry, I'm kind of hypomanic and I'm babbling on. I apologize and I also apologize for being pushy earlier. I know that doesn't help anything.

Just please take care of you. I hope you get some sleep and tomorrow is a little better.

[Victoria'smom]

How are your kids handling this?

Hugs. Have you brought any of this up in group or with your T? Does writing it all here help contain it? Hope so

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I hope you know that I am just saying what I said because I care. I didn't mean to seem like I was shoving IP at you and I think I did even though I was trying not to do exactly what I did. I also didn't mean to be "poor me" in there; I'm actually doing a little better right now although I'm cyling a lot so I'm trying not to get excited (plus the time change-blech). But I think if I were where you are I would be too afraid not to go. You have a better sense of your far limits than I do about mine; I rely on others well before you are unable to decide for yourself.; even right now I'm on the "if my therapist says I need to go I go" plan. But I know if I was scared of how I felt I'd want to be somewhere safe. (Having said that I realize I've stayed out of the hospital a number of times before when I was terrified of how I was feeling.......I used to lie to avoid it.)

I do understand about the pdoc being involved thing. Mine isn't at the hospital I go to but within the same hospital system and up to now the dr I've seen IP has always been great about consulting with her and not doing things to my meds that she didn't want to be done. He is leaving this week so it will be different now but hopefully his replacement will do the same. I've even gotten to see her once when I was IP and she was on weekend call and she made an immediate change, removing a med she didn't want me to be taking. Before she worked for the hospital she tried hard to keep me out so that someone else wouldn't adjust the delicate balance of my meds without talking to her first. So I know that's important (and how blessed I am to have the particular system I have that lets the drs. communicate and that acknowledges that she has treated me forever and knows what is likely to work).

I'm glad the showers help. Once when I was IP and it was weekend so the drs. weren't there a med I had been given to try to calm me that wasn't doing a great deal anyway had a paradoxical effect and made me even more agitated. The nurses kept encouraging showers and I think I took about 4 of them that day. The next day I had a 1:1 aide but still took several showers. I guess just be honest with at least your pdoc about everything going on in the shower and I know you are. I do think if the self-injury progresses at all you may need to reach out to him sooner than your next appt. but he seems to be pretty accessible unless he is on vacation so that's good.

I know telling a new therapist all of this is really hard; like I said I was once in that position and it was hard for both of us. I had to adjust to an entirely different approach to handling things than I'd had in the past and I think he would agree that we both had adjusting to do. But one thing was good: we formed a bond and started working well together very quickly because we had to. I'd never had that happen with a therapist before and those first few months have played a role in how we've done well for nearly 10 years. So as nerve-wracking as it is it can be good to have someone with a fresh perspective there in a difficult time.

I'm sorry, I'm kind of hypomanic and I'm babbling on. I apologize and I also apologize for being pushy earlier. I know that doesn't help anything.

Just please take care of you. I hope you get some sleep and tomorrow is a little better.

I felt nothing discouraging or pushy about your remarks; I was just sharing my opinions as such. I know, in may ways, you are right. I just feel certain it's not the time. Also, you are not "babbling on;" I always appreciate your perspective no matter how much you have to say.

I hope I have a similar experience as you had with my new therapist. I am STRONGLY drawn to her (I am worried it is in obsessive way as I have been known to do in the past to people, although never a therapist) but I know that there are clear boundaries between a therapist and her client. I am SO appreciative of that. Anyway, I am a trusting person to begin with and I feel like I could tell her my life story. My ONLY issue is since we don't have an established relationship she may think I am unfit to care for my children or want to throw me in the hospital. Otherwise, as you are saying, she is being thrown into quite the situation.

The showers do help immensely but I must admit they are a tad bizarre at times which is why my husband is so apprehensive about them. I'm glad you have, at times, found solace in them as well.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

How are your kids handling this?

My older kids notice little except maybe I am a lot shorter with them than usual. They are almost always busy with my niece and nephews (who I keep most of the day after school) and notice little from me. My husband does most of the cooking, homework, dealing with them as I just can't handle being around anyone for much of any time. I still don't think they think much of it. I am still emotionally available to them, tuck them in at night, etc.

My youngest daughter (two) drives me insane (which is partly normal as she is in the fit throwing, scream her head off at everything, etc stage) and I wish she would stay away from me all the time. I stay at home with her and she is constantly in my face and in need of attention (obviously). However, despite how I am feeling, I still wrap her in my arms, hold her closely, kiss her and tell her how much I love her at least part of the day. If I am taking long showers, I bring her in the bathroom with me with lots of toys and she usually leaves me alone. However, if she insists I need to get out, I will. I am also a lot shorter with her but she is so little, I don't think she notices much. I do love her and all of my kiddos so much, I am just in a stage where I want to be COMPLETELY alone ALL of the time. And, it is just not possible and no one understands. If I could stay in therapy all day long, I would do it.

I do lose my temper much more than usual but it is mostly directed at my husband. I am also sooooo agitated but that is directed mostly to my husband, mom, and sister. It is only getting worse.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Supanova

Hugs. Have you brought any of this up in group or with your T? Does writing it all here help contain it? Hope so

Thank you so much. I have brought all of it, except for the bizarre scratches (which I will), to my pdoc's attention but not at all in group. The group is overcoming adversity so I find dicussing mental illness is bizarre to them. I get plenty out of the group but I keep my own conversation limited. I intend to share most of this (although I haven't decided how much) with my new t today.

[Victoria'smom]

Good luck with t.

[Nammu]

You probably don't want to hear this but a hospital will give you time to totally work on healing and doing what you need to do for getting stable without the distraction of trying to wear a mask all the time.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Hope you're doing ok

[cashart10]

Well, my therapist appt went VERY well. I explained to her that I was about to read her something that I had read to my pdoc and that I wanted to read her but I was afraid she would want me hospitalized or think I am unfit to care for my children. We talked a bit about why my pdoc didn't think I needed to be hospitalized and then she surprised me. She told me since I read it to my pdoc, she wasn't sure I should read it to her. She said I COULD but that reading something I had already processed with my pdoc would just be reliving a traumatic experience. I advised her I did want to read her some so she would understand some of what is going on with my mind and how it seems I am a little disconnected. She said that was fine but that she might stop me to discuss as we went along. It wasn't far into my reading that she stopped me to further discuss my showers and my music. That was the remainder of our discussion and it was a very good one. She told me not to listen to toxic music (music that feeds my "insanity" and puts me in an unhealthy loop) and to set a timer for my showers and to begin incorporating deep breathing. Just as we were finishing, I mentioned the scratching and broke into tears, apologizing to her. She told me of course not to apologize to her. She said any form of self harm is just an expression of pain on the inside and I had no reason to feel badly about it. She gave me some suggestions on how to handle it and reassured me very lovingly. I have so many tears right now but they are tears of relief.

[cashart10]

I'm already broken down again. I am crying my eyes out. I need to be in therapy every minute because I can't live any minute without it's safety. I was crying when talking to my mom and she called my sister who plans to come over and bring pizza tonight. I don't want to talk to or see anyone. I am overwhelmed by my emotions. I'm overwhelmed by my anxiety, my agitation, and my illness. It is simply to much for me to handle.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I'm overwhelmed and wish I could be in therapy right now too

[cashart10]

I'm so sorry Hallibeth! I wish I could give you a real hug. I have texted my pdoc and told him about the scratching and the bizarre reason for such. I hope he will call me back tonight. I always feel so bad for texting him.