Sleepless.Delusional.hallucinating.

Wakeful · Nov 24, 2015, 04:38 AM

Hello
This is my first time here really and my first post.
I don't really have anything productive to say as far as insightful and helpful words...
Was just searching for a place to express these thoughts to people who might understand, who won't try and medicate me, and who won't worry sick about it.
I don't sleep well. I'm exhausted. Yet often full of an energy that leaves me feeling ....hypomanic I guess, for lack of better wording. A wake for days or with little sleep. I might call what I expieriance mixed mood states...its all a blur anymore really. My mood swings are drastic and devastating. My thinking slow and muddled. I take lithium, straterra, seroquil, wellbutrin, and tryleptal. I was diagnosed as bi polar maybe seven or eight years ago after a psychotic break....I forget just about everything..I struggle to stay sober. The last several months have been mostly sober...I think its been the most quality amount of time spent sober. By quality I mean balanced, holistic, satisfyingly, productive...and so on.... I feel like my brain doesn't work correctly. I have been working very diligently and persistently over the last few years to not just hold myself together but find a life in which I thrive. Its exausting and sometimes I want to give it up, or take a break. A pause.
It has been brought to my attention most recently that I may be delusional. I don't believe it(haha, of course I don't,right?).
I believe that not only my body is infested with bugs and parasites, so is my living area. For like two years now I've believed this. I have kept it to myself mostly until now. I couldn't take it anymore. People I trust to be of good judgment and to tell me the truth are telling me it is not true. I'm also told that it's not normal to see and hear things that I do. I have suspected that a long time and learned how to live with it and not be so afraid of these things. I am not a fan of medication and have a very hard time with med compliance. After a talk with my therapist last Friday about these issues per his advice I see my doctor in the AM. That would be tuesday now...or today...later today. Dear god...
Anyway.
What I'm getting at here is...
I'm losing my ****. I feel like my mental health is spiraling out of control. I have good moments and bad moments. The bad are getting horrid and in them I want to destroy myself. I think about burning the house down, with all the bugs. I won't, but its nice to imagine. I do seriously think about,plan and imagine ways to hurt myself badly. Sometimes I feel like I will explode. Sometimes I want to drink to take the edge off of what I feel, to sooth the beast, calm the storm...at the same time health and stability is what I seek and drinking is not where I will find that, nor is thst found in drugs. Opiates specifically, are my poison. My consumption is also dangerous and destroying my life. It can't go on.
Often when I look in the mirror I want to break it. I am disgusted with the person I see.
I get along with folks, Ive been told from the outside I seem to have myself together, I seem calm but perky, funny, and sociable.
On the inside- i'm often terrified of every thing. Full of anxiety, rage, self contempt, despair ,hopelessness, depression...chaos, and I fight tooth and nail, it feels like, just to make it day to day without losing it, without causing major damage in my life...to myself, and to those I love and who love me.
Im tired.
Tired
Tired...
And unable to rest.
I need to sleep it's only making it worse, I know. I tell myself the bugs aren't there...and it works for a while...talking about it with people who can reassure me its not real is helpful until i am so overwhelmed and consumed by it again...
I see bugs moving that arnt there. Figgures in the shadows.
It's not all bad all of the time. I appreciate a lot in life. Life is not free of suffering and I dont have to feel okay to be doing well. I have passions, goals, and see beauty...sometimes all of this fades to grey scale and I lose ambition to even breathe.
Right now I'm very tired from all of this effort it takes to keep my head above water...sometimes....often these days, I want to swim further out to see until I can't swim anymore and let my head go under...
I hurt myself last week. I've been placed on psychiatric holds before a handful of times for being a threat to myself, once as a threat to others when I thought people were demons trying to hurt me...
I've never intentionally tried to end my own life...I have almost done so with drug overdoses and car accidents...
It's funny....the nature of life...this diagnosis....duality.
I have had others' care and lives trusted to me...I was the strong, responsible, capable, soothing, and competent one with a smile..at the same time the neurotic, insecure, out of control, dying inside, fantasizing about ending my own life, crying and screaming...
I'm sure we are all pretty similar though. Not even because of what brings us to these boards but because we are human beings.

Thanks for taking the time to read and witness my story. I feel very alone sometimes.