Building a life you want

When I'm depressed, one of the things that makes me feel suicidal is the idea that my life is just going to be a string of interruptions. I never made it through theater college because I wound up in treatment for mental health, I managed to cobble together a BA in theatre later on but couldn't do Honours or my 4th year because of bipolar disorder, I dropped out twice due to hospitalization and the dean's office sent me a letter saying they wouldn't be lenient next time.

I see people who went to my theatre college working professionally and that's where I always thought I'd end up. But I haven't. I'm turning 32 in less than a week and I'm still chipping away at my second undergrad degree in music. I know what I want to do for a living now - I want to be a vocal coach for transgender men, because I went through the voice change alone and it was hard but I figured it out and would like to help other people in the same situation. I also want to be a playwright. I've had a play produced already, last spring.

So I know where I want to be, but the hard part is finding the courage to commit. Especially if bipolar is hanging over my head, threatening to ruin these plans too.

How do you build the life you want?

It sounds trite, but through sheer willpower.
You have to convince yourself that there is no out, no exit, that you have to finish, must succeed.

I honestly have no idea what I want to be. I'm 20 years old and the entirety of my teen years was spent battling this disorder and doing my best to survive. I haven't really been living. I enjoy art and music, but I don't know how to incorporate that into a career because my motivation is just so inconsistent. I rapid cycle so every time I think I'm better and fully motivated, depression sneaks its way back in and tries to break down everything I've built up.

Getting past the fear of whether bipolar is going to mess up your life is going to be key. It may or it may not. The thing is do you want to delay or drop your dreams due to an illness you may have no control over? If you truly want to do theater or music then go for it. If you don't have a psychiatrist or therapist you should do that so you get meds for stability and coping skills for everyday living. Do everything you can so you can pursue what means the most for you.

Thanks for the responses. I didn't notice them until now.

I think it feels harder to build a life I want when I'm depressed. I'm thankfully no longer depressed, and I can see many ways to build what I love into my life. I'm going to enter a play in a festival, I'm trying to produce a musical I wrote, I'm in a play right now that is so much fun and we had a rehearsal today. Sure, bipolar messes with my schedule, but I think it can't really take away my love for things permanently.

You have three big things going for you: you're still young, you were diagnosed early, and you have a couple of ideas for things you want to do. As to how to build the life you want, as Standup2me said, it takes willpower-- and you do it the same way you eat an elephant-- one bite at a time. I'm glad you're no longer depressed. That helps a lot (in so many ways) and bipolar can't take away your love for things permanently. Congrats on getting your play produced btw!