Adjusting to life

wildflowerchild25 · Dec 10, 2015, 03:29 PM

how does one adjust to a life that isn't anything like he or she expected it to be? I am referring of course to my husband dying suddenly six months ago, but also to this recurrent depression that I fear I will never be free of. I spent October depressed, then in November I was absolutely fine - maybe even very slightly hypo. It started to slide down again last week. I could feel the tendrils of depression curling around my feet, threatening to take me down. I tried to kick them away. I exercised. I slept. I tried to focus on my son. But it was unsuccessful. I am once again crushed by depression. I haven't showered since the weekend. I haven't done anything at work, if I even get there, which I didn't today. I have high urges to self harm which I have been avoiding by taking up smoking again, as it is a socially acceptable form of self harm. I'm sitting here right now contemplating how I could kill myself, but I keep picturing my son's face when no one picks him up from pre school and how scared he would be, so I've nixed that idea. Maybe when he's an adult and has a family of his own and doesn't need me as much.

My question is does anyone else think this is as good as is going to get? I know the depression will end. I know that probably by the new year I will be feeling better, if my pattern keeps up. But then I know it will be back. And gone. And back again. And every time I'm in the depression I just want to die. I try so many things to bring myself out of it and nothing works.

I know I should just be mindful of the good times. When I am feeling good I do not worry about when I will be depressed again. I just enjoy myself. So I'm able to do it when I am ok. But it just sucks falling back into depression with such regularity. I don't want to live like this but I have to. It's all made worse by the fact that my husband is gone. The grief is so much worse in depression. It truly makes me want to die. I am almost jealous of him because he does not have to experience his pain anymore. I want that peace.

How do you accept life for what it is? I've accepted this illness as a part of me but I'm still working on accepting exactly what that means.

I started taking Brintellix two weeks ago instead of Wellbutrin. I don't know how long it takes to work but it still has a chance of working I suppose. Not that I can keep taking it after the new year anyway. Damn deductible is too high. So I don't even feel like continuing to take it in all honesty.

I just don't know how to accept the ****** parts of this illness.

Pastel Kitten · Dec 10, 2015, 03:43 PM

I know just how you feel, although my pattern is much more rapid cycling. Each week or so is a new mood. Just when I start feeling great again, I crash back into depression and it feels like everything I just built up was meaningless. I can't imagine being happy, when depressed, and can't imagine being depressed when happy. I start thinking my condition is finally gone and that I worried for nothing or was just being "weak," only for it to hit me with full intensity again. It's crap. Few people around me truly understand it. I am so sorry about your loss and I can't even imagine how much it intensifies your depression.

I guess I don't really have an answer to your question because I am still trying to accept my life for what it is, with the hope that things will eventually get better someway somehow. Maybe my meds will actually make a difference once they kick in. I just wanted to provide some support and let you know that you definitely aren't alone. Many hugs to you, and I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this miserable bipolar coaster.

Unrigged64072835 · Dec 10, 2015, 03:52 PM

I find it hard given that, with the loss of my job and all the subsequent hospitalizations, my life is going to be one crisis after another. I know that hope can be a sliver during times like this, but it's really all I have. Somedays it's just one breath at a time, one moment at a time, until I can collapse into bed. I don't know what else to tell you other than to hang in there and ride it out until things get better again.

LettinG0 · Dec 10, 2015, 04:29 PM

Hey, wildflower

I am so so sorry that the depression has returned yet again and you are struggling with finding a new way of life so different from what you thought. I know the grief is hard even in 'good' mood cycle and crushing when bad.

I have no miracle answer. Just know that I am thinking of you and rooting so loudly for you to find that place of acceptance and some peace with your day to day life. Keep clinging to that beautiful child....he is a strong force even in the darkest of times.

This illness is so hard. I'm adding my strength to yours during this rough patch...because at the end of the day....we are very strong people.....fight hard sweet one.

Edgar's Mom · Dec 10, 2015, 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

how does one adjust to a life that isn't anything like he or she expected it to be? I am referring of course to my husband dying suddenly six months ago, but also to this recurrent depression that I fear I will never be free of. I spent October depressed, then in November I was absolutely fine - maybe even very slightly hypo. It started to slide down again last week. I could feel the tendrils of depression curling around my feet, threatening to take me down. I tried to kick them away. I exercised. I slept. I tried to focus on my son. But it was unsuccessful. I am once again crushed by depression. I haven't showered since the weekend. I haven't done anything at work, if I even get there, which I didn't today. I have high urges to self harm which I have been avoiding by taking up smoking again, as it is a socially acceptable form of self harm. I'm sitting here right now contemplating how I could kill myself, but I keep picturing my son's face when no one picks him up from pre school and how scared he would be, so I've nixed that idea. Maybe when he's an adult and has a family of his own and doesn't need me as much.

My question is does anyone else think this is as good as is going to get? I know the depression will end. I know that probably by the new year I will be feeling better, if my pattern keeps up. But then I know it will be back. And gone. And back again. And every time I'm in the depression I just want to die. I try so many things to bring myself out of it and nothing works.

I know I should just be mindful of the good times. When I am feeling good I do not worry about when I will be depressed again. I just enjoy myself. So I'm able to do it when I am ok. But it just sucks falling back into depression with such regularity. I don't want to live like this but I have to. It's all made worse by the fact that my husband is gone. The grief is so much worse in depression. It truly makes me want to die. I am almost jealous of him because he does not have to experience his pain anymore. I want that peace.

How do you accept life for what it is? I've accepted this illness as a part of me but I'm still working on accepting exactly what that means.

I started taking Brintellix two weeks ago instead of Wellbutrin. I don't know how long it takes to work but it still has a chance of working I suppose. Not that I can keep taking it after the new year anyway. Damn deductible is too high. So I don't even feel like continuing to take it in all honesty.

I just don't know how to accept the ****** parts of this illness.

I can relate to the recurrent and refractory depression dragging on interminably and my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how much that's compounded with such acute grief heaped on top and I'm glad you've been able to hang on for your little guy's sake.

I don't know what to say about the depression, but I have to hope for both of our sakes that there will be times when it goes away and that joy of life returns.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. ((((((((((HUG)))))))))))

BeyondtheRainbow · Dec 10, 2015, 05:30 PM

I don't have much to add but I am thinking about you. My uncle died last year just after Christmas and went onto hospice during the holidays and didn't really have a very peaceful last few weeks unfortunately. I know this season has been hard for his family and life still goes on which just makes the grief more difficult I think. I can't imagine depression on top of grief.

If you aren't going to be able to take the Britellnix (however that is spelled) after the new year maybe you should contact your pdoc about a different AD instead of letting your body get used to that stuff and then changing again?

wildflowerchild25 · Dec 10, 2015, 05:45 PM

I have a pdoc appt next Thursday but it's with the other APN instead of mind since mine is on vacation. Not that it matters because my APN has been consulting with her this whole time because she knows me better. I'll mention it to her then.

My son has been clinging to me today and whimpering. When I ask him what's wrong he just says " I miss daddy". He just asked me if we can see daddy tomorrow. Oh how I wish we could. I just keep telling him it's ok to miss daddy but daddy died so we won't be able to see him anymore. It's so hard to explain to a five year old. I think he's finally starting to understand that daddy's not coming back. It absolutely breaks my heart.

Wanderlust90 · Dec 10, 2015, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

I know just how you feel, although my pattern is much more rapid cycling. Each week or so is a new mood. Just when I start feeling great again, I crash back into depression and it feels like everything I just built up was meaningless. I can't imagine being happy, when depressed, and can't imagine being depressed when happy. I start thinking my condition is finally gone and that I worried for nothing or was just being "weak," only for it to hit me with full intensity again. It's crap. Few people around me truly understand it.

I very much feel the same way

Pastel Kitten · Dec 10, 2015, 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I have a pdoc appt next Thursday but it's with the other APN instead of mind since mine is on vacation. Not that it matters because my APN has been consulting with her this whole time because she knows me better. I'll mention it to her then.

My son has been clinging to me today and whimpering. When I ask him what's wrong he just says " I miss daddy". He just asked me if we can see daddy tomorrow. Oh how I wish we could. I just keep telling him it's ok to miss daddy but daddy died so we won't be able to see him anymore. It's so hard to explain to a five year old. I think he's finally starting to understand that daddy's not coming back. It absolutely breaks my heart.

This made me tear up. My heart goes out to you.

raspberrytorte · Dec 10, 2015, 06:48 PM

(((wildflower)))

alincdytyourmeds · Dec 10, 2015, 08:54 PM

I know what you mean about the Brit. being so expensive, I switched to it a few months ago, but I was more stable at the time. I also have told my t about how I didn't want to live with recurring depression. But that little boy needs his momma just like mine does. And he is worth all the pain if I don't add pain to his life. I am sorry you are going through this and pray it will get better soon. Hang in there.

Wander · Dec 10, 2015, 09:33 PM

Words fail me but I just want to give you a great big hug right now

wildflowerchild25 · Dec 11, 2015, 08:06 AM

Thanks everyone. Today I took off work again. I imagine I might be disciplined at the end of the year for being absent so often but since I'm looking for a new job anyway I don't much care. Yesterday I slept all day but today I feel more energetic. I think I'll try to get some Christmas shopping done. Just chill out so I can be better prepared for Monday when I get a new student. That will bring me up to nine. There used to be a time where my students all respected me but not anymore. I haven't been able to form connections with this group of boys, probably as a result of both our disabilities. It's tough dealing with mentally ill and behaviorally challenging teens when you're mentally ill yourself. But there's only one and a half weeks left until winter break so I'm sure we can make it. If I can kick this depression I will try harder to connect with them.

I think this self imposed long weekend will do me good. Sometimes you just need a break.

Still have high self harm urges. But I don't want my son to see. He will alert my mother and I don't need that. So I will stay safe for now.

I'm going to buy myself a peppermint mocha today as a treat.

saturdaybell · Dec 11, 2015, 08:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

how does one adjust to a life that isn't anything like he or she expected it to be? I am referring of course to my husband dying suddenly six months ago, but also to this recurrent depression that I fear I will never be free of. I spent October depressed, then in November I was absolutely fine - maybe even very slightly hypo. It started to slide down again last week. I could feel the tendrils of depression curling around my feet, threatening to take me down. I tried to kick them away. I exercised. I slept. I tried to focus on my son. But it was unsuccessful. I am once again crushed by depression. I haven't showered since the weekend. I haven't done anything at work, if I even get there, which I didn't today. I have high urges to self harm which I have been avoiding by taking up smoking again, as it is a socially acceptable form of self harm. I'm sitting here right now contemplating how I could kill myself, but I keep picturing my son's face when no one picks him up from pre school and how scared he would be, so I've nixed that idea. Maybe when he's an adult and has a family of his own and doesn't need me as much.

My question is does anyone else think this is as good as is going to get? I know the depression will end. I know that probably by the new year I will be feeling better, if my pattern keeps up. But then I know it will be back. And gone. And back again. And every time I'm in the depression I just want to die. I try so many things to bring myself out of it and nothing works.

I know I should just be mindful of the good times. When I am feeling good I do not worry about when I will be depressed again. I just enjoy myself. So I'm able to do it when I am ok. But it just sucks falling back into depression with such regularity. I don't want to live like this but I have to. It's all made worse by the fact that my husband is gone. The grief is so much worse in depression. It truly makes me want to die. I am almost jealous of him because he does not have to experience his pain anymore. I want that peace.

How do you accept life for what it is? I've accepted this illness as a part of me but I'm still working on accepting exactly what that means.

I started taking Brintellix two weeks ago instead of Wellbutrin. I don't know how long it takes to work but it still has a chance of working I suppose. Not that I can keep taking it after the new year anyway. Damn deductible is too high. So I don't even feel like continuing to take it in all honesty.

I just don't know how to accept the ****** parts of this illness.

I don't think ill ever completely accept bipolar but i have come to terms with the probability of being in and out of hospitalization and out patient programs. I hate that i will always have episodes and struggle with relapses of self harm and suicidal thoughts. The only reason i haven't km is because 3 friends killed them selves and I see the long lasting side effects. Also i have the fear the catholics are right and suicides go to hell. I don't see the point to do something where i would end up suffering even worst. I think if it wasn't for those two things i would have ended it along time ago. Just try to remember there are moments your episodes will improve and things you can do to make stabilization last longer. And btw im sorry about your husband. My grandma died 2 months ago.

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avlady · Dec 11, 2015, 08:36 AM

i feel so bad for you. my sister comitted suicide and i've had several friends pass away, which when i think of them i feel such an empty loss feeling.i feel your pain about your son too. i have a 24 year old son who had an unintentional suicide attempt, meaning he took too many pills at once. i will hope and pray for you and especially your son.

wildflowerchild25 · Dec 17, 2015, 05:16 PM

I felt better over the weekend but it was just a fluke. This week has been hard. We've done precisely nothing in class. I don't care. It's almost winter break and hopefully I can regroup over the break and feel better.

I took off early today for a pdoc appt but when I went to pick up the Invega the pharmacy didn't have it. They won't have it until Monday. So that's great. I changed my pdoc appt to Monday night. I honestly don't even want to go. I've come to the conclusion that nothing at all will help with the depression. I just have to wait it out. That's part of the adjusting to my new life. This is my life.

I don't want to live this way but I don't have a choice. I can't hurt my family by dying. It all just feels so hopeless. Why am I damned to this existence. I must have been a ****** person in a past life, not that I believe in that stuff anyway.

I can barely peel myself off the couch and I am just counting down the hours until I can go back to sleep. I wish my husband were here to help me. It's doubly hard doing everything on my own. I have my mother though. She has been helping by giving my son a bath when I can't manage it. She would do more if I admitted I needed more help.

I just don't want to be living. Ugh.

LettinG0 · Dec 17, 2015, 05:25 PM

Thinking of you.....

Let your Mother help.....

thom2297 · Dec 17, 2015, 06:01 PM

Hi Wildflower, I'm BP 1 with psychosis and I understand your frustration, For me it's like a roller coaster ride sometimes. I've been in a depression for 18 months now and it sucks. I do what I can. The mania will come when it wills.

I try to be gentle with myself and meet as many of my obligations that I can. I know it is hard with a young child and a job. My condolences on the lost of your husband. Not hurting yourself is a good thing. Your baby needs you a lot.

I try to lighten my load as much as I can. My daughter and husband help around the house. I'm on disability so I only work when I am able. My heart goes out to you. Let your mom help you, maybe?

Fighting depression is an uphill battle. But I don't think I can wait it out. I've been waiting for 18 months. And I've been in a hole of depression for 18 months. Now I have to fight it with a fervor.

Holistic methods are beginning to help. I walk, try to exercise as much as I can. I take vitamins and minerals, especially vitamin D and Fish Oil. I also try to keep up with the meds. Time will tell. I have to learn to do these things everyday. Not just sometimes. I have to find a routine and stick to it.

It is an uphill battle and an everyday struggle to fight depression. Try to be positive and keep your chin up. Try to find the little things that keep you upbeat. A run, a cup of tea, sitting in the sun? Shopping? The little things help. Sometimes just window shopping helps me.

I hope you get through this.

BeyondtheRainbow · Dec 17, 2015, 06:11 PM

I don't know if this is true for you or helpful (I know you are on ADs) but as we've been trying to figure out treatment for me these last many months my pdoc told me that invega wasn't really an option for me right now because it is great with mania and not much with depression. So maybe you need something that is going to boost the ADs more while you are going through this period of your life? I know nothing more than that but I remember thinking that was interesting since I know a lot of people really love Invega (I also can't reasonably try it since I'm very allergic to risperdal but I was begging to even try risperdal again so was certainly willing to risk Invega).

I also wanted to thank you. You said what I needed to hear the other day about all my excuses to avoid clozaril. I have picked a date to start tapering if my pdoc agrees (it maybe be slightly before or after depending how fast she's going to taper while OP) and am done fighting it. If I go in and they offer ECT I'll do that instead but I think that Seroquel is just not doing what it used to do (except making me fat) and I need to accept that and move on. You really helped me make up my mind to quit fighting a treatment that I need and prolonging feeling bad. So thanks. A lot.

wildflowerchild25 · Dec 17, 2015, 07:02 PM

Thanks beyond. Invega doesn't do anything for my depression at all. It's excellent for the mania and mixed though. The only ap I remember helping with depression was seroquel but it was so sedating I couldn't take it. I'd be falling asleep driving to work, which is obviously quite dangerous. I don't have anyone who could drive me to work anymore so I can't even try it to see if the sedation wears off.

I don't even want to take my ad anymore since it does precisely ****. I'm unwilling to try any others. I'm unwilling to try anything because I'm convinced nothing will work. My pdoc is at a loss. She says I should just get back into ect. Well that's a nice thought but if I have to have ECT for the rest of my life I might as well not even be living. I can't work getting ECT because they only do it during the week and how would I work? I can't be on disability. I know how much they pay as I was on it before and it would barely be enough to pay my bills on, much less buy food and ****. Plus I would hate my life on disability. I love teaching, I really do, even with the difficult students I deal with. I don't want to give it up. Even though it is nearly impossible when I am feeling this way.

I just feel so hopeless. I hate feeling like this yet nothing stops it, and even though it's only for a month at a time, that works out to half a year feeling like ****. I'm tired.

Well at least tomorrow is Friday and then I have the weekend. I have to make an appearance at my brother's birthday party on Saturday. Hopefully I'll be feeling better by then. I don't want to show up for an hour and then bail out but I may not have another choice.

BeyondtheRainbow · Dec 17, 2015, 07:08 PM

Have you ever tried an MAOI? Emsam has been a miracle drug for me. Not this year obviously but I think that is more that I still need Seroquel to help with depression and it isn't. But before Emsam nothing touched my depression and I tried everything. It's a nice MAOI because at the lowest dose there aren't any food restrictions. At the middle dose there are but my pdoc doesn't make me follow some of them. On the high dose which we've only rarely used I do have restrictions but they aren't a big deal once you are used to them. (I do miss cheese). It's very effective for a lot of people who haven't responded to other ADs and it doesn't stop working like some ADs do. It is activating much more than sedating; I actually needed more sedation once I was on it. It caused weight loss and really has no side effects at all except that it's a patch and very rarely I get some redness at a patch site that goes away if I just avoid that site for a few days. But it works so well and I'd given up hope that any AD would do anything.

A lot of drs are wary of MAOIs; the huge hospital I go to only starts about 10 people per year on Emsam. But it is truly the best drug I've ever taken.

wildflowerchild25 · Dec 17, 2015, 08:27 PM

I've never tried an maoi. Thanks for the suggestion! I will bring it up with my pdoc on Monday. I don't know if she'll go for it as its not my regular pdoc but it's worth a suggestion. I'd be willing to try something in a different class of drugs, I'm just through with ssri/snri/etc. they don't do anything at all, or they make me out of my mind.

You've given me hope again. Thanks so much.

BeyondtheRainbow · Dec 17, 2015, 09:18 PM

No problem. None of the traditional ADs worked for me either. I did well on Remeron before i was diagnosed and for a little bit after I was diagnosed and imipramine kind of helped for several years but the dose had to be changed constantly because too much and I was manic, too little and I was very depressed and so I had 10 mg pills and adjusted the dose around a 30 mg range. Then it stopped working and that left only MAOIs; I'd been on everything else. I hadn't tried every tricyclic but enough that there wasn't a point in trying more.

The only bad thing is that you have to be off the AD you're on for 2 weeks before starting the MAOI. I was able to taper and go on the Emsam right after I stopped but I started it in the hospital because I couldn't handle the taper and because of so many bad reactions in the past my pdoc wanted me in the hospital anyway just in case. But once you adjust they are great drugs. I haven't tried the others (Nardil, Parnate, Marplan), mostly because Nardil and Parnate are generics but require taking pills more than once a day and I honestly am very bad at that. Sleep is so hard for me that I fall asleep at 3 or 4 and waking up to take an AM med doesn't happen until too late because I'm knocked out cold from the sedatives. They remain an option in the future though and I'd try them before I would try other ADs probably. (I now have some ADs that I've never been on because they came out in the last 6 years).

Some drs are not very comfortable prescribing MAOIs because they aren't used much and have food and drug interactions. Your best bet is to argue for Emsam with its' reduced restrictions (it's a patch so it bypasses the stomach). But I think that you have a very valid argument of "You want to do ECT again, why not try this which is less complex first?". My pdoc told me that the people she has put on it have all had no problems with it stopping working like so many ADs so it could potentially reduce the need for ECT permanently. Nobody is positive that my problems aren't from Emsam not working but since I'm having hallucinations and worse paranoia than ever and I've improved when the dose was increased albeit slightly we're going with Seroquel is the problem.

I have never loved a drug before but I do love Emsam. Before I started it I was always sedated and struggling to work. For the nearly 2 years I took it while working I had no problems at work. I had a sleep cycle for the first time ever. I got documentation done on time and managed my assistants better than ever before. I wound up stopping working after a random drug given with anesthesia messed up my cognition but had that not happened I'd still be working and doing well because Emsam just took away work problems. I got fired twice in 2 years, started Emsam a few months after the 2nd time, and from then on was never less than very good at my job, no complaints from employers, etc. I had energy and focus and it was amazing.

I hope it works out for you. I wish more drs would try them more often b/c they are pretty amazing at how they work for people who have no response to any other AD.

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