[cashart10]

Why does life seem so bleak? Why can't I be "normal"? Sadness has overtaken my spirit. I know I complain on here often but it seems like I am always unstable. My husband was mean to me again tonight. I couldn't take it; I just cried and cried. I just want to hide away.

[Imah]

Prior to menopause, my base mood was mania. I have wondered if your base mood is depression.

How much have you looked into eating organic, less meat, juicing, etc - for good health? (Rhetorical)

Once I cried for 3 days, started in a closet, eventually crawled into bed, unresponsive. After 3rd day when my brothers husband came into my bedroom screaming at me I finally got up. Couldn't answer phone or open door without a panic attack for a month. Of course, my husband at the time wouldn't let me see a shrink. Said I was being selfish for wanting to spend the money.

Cash, your upset with your husband, but this is the same guy that lets you call him at work, and even have begged him to come home and help you at times. I know your upset with him, but he is sometimes pretty great, right?

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I know I complain on here often

don't worry about it ... you post as much and as often as you like ...

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Imah

Prior to menopause, my base mood was mania. I have wondered if your base mood is depression.

How much have you looked into eating organic, less meat, juicing, etc - for good health? (Rhetorical)

Once I cried for 3 days, started in a closet, eventually crawled into bed, unresponsive. After 3rd day when my brothers husband came into my bedroom screaming at me I finally got up. Couldn't answer phone or open door without a panic attack for a month. Of course, my husband at the time wouldn't let me see a shrink. Said I was being selfish for wanting to spend the money.

Cash, your upset with your husband, but this is the same guy that lets you call him at work, and even have begged him to come home and help you at times. I know your upset with him, but he is sometimes pretty great, right?

I'm so sorry about the manipulation you experienced from your ex husband and that you weren't allowed the proper time you needed to be depressed. That is sad. However, I can relate to it. My husband is constantly on me about my weight (and how I need to care about myself), and about the house (how I'm too lazy to get up and do anything). It makes me feel unloved and harshly criticized. That said, he is otherwise loving and has a glimpse of understanding of my bipolar every now and then. He would do anything for me and in reality I know he loves me and that things could be much worse. However, last night, for instance, he told me he wouldn't be so critical if I would just listen to him and do what he says (mostly about taking care of myself and my mildly inappropriate personal hygiene). He said if he didn't love me he wouldn't have such fervor about my recovery, despite his fervor being plain mean. He hurts me a lot these days with his harsh view of my reality. He impedes on my recovery by crushing me when I am down. Yesterday, as he was just pounding me, I told him (sui trigger)

Possible trigger:

that I had sat in the floor and struggled with the idea of downing my seven pill bottles for the last couple of nights.

That made him both angry and sympathetic. He shook his fists in frustration and asked why I didn't tell him instead of suffering. He said if he knew this he wouldn't have been so hard on me. He says I am overly sensitive but then he always apologizes and feels bad after he berates me. I don't understand how one could be so harsh to someone they love (then again, if you could only see how his dad treats his mom). I've never reprimanded him with such viciousness. I just can't understand it.

Oh and I agree that depresson seems to be my baseline. That makes me sad as prior to my psychotic break I almost never cycled, up or down. I hope to someday enjoy that stability again.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

don't worry about it ... you post as much and as often as you like ...

Thank you love!

[cashart10]

If a version of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then I must really be crazy today. I have been on this computer for HOURS. For the most part I've just been hitting refresh on the bipolar page waiting for new posts to pop up over and over again. I have energy to do things but I don't know where to begin. I am too sad to do it. So, I have wasted my energy, almost the whole entire day, begging for new threads/posts to show up.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm sorry you are having a hard day. You sound lonely, not crazy.

You've made it almost a month into the insurance waiting period right? So that's a good thing.

I think that so much of how you feel is because your dr. messed with too many meds all at once. You are going through some of what I'm going to have to go through but for absolutely no good reason. I know that if I were going on clozaril without Seroquel being a factor I'd either be weaned down very slowly after the Clozaril was up to a reasonable dose or I'd get to a somewhat stable point and then she'd start weaning it. Pulling half a dose of AP and some other med I forget (Klonopin?) at the same time you are started a new drug and aren't even to a minimally effective dose makes no sense except to prove that you can't change too much at once without making a mess that is unnecessary. And I'm so sorry he put you through that.

Have you thought about trying some couples counseling once you are insured? It sounds like your husband needs help to understand your disease and to not try to fix it all. I think that's a typical male response but it's not a very helpful one.

I wish I had something more to say, something new or valuable. I'm afraid I don't but I'm praying for you to feel better.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I'm sorry you are having a hard day. You sound lonely, not crazy.

You've made it almost a month into the insurance waiting period right? So that's a good thing.

I think that so much of how you feel is because your dr. messed with too many meds all at once. You are going through some of what I'm going to have to go through but for absolutely no good reason. I know that if I were going on clozaril without Seroquel being a factor I'd either be weaned down very slowly after the Clozaril was up to a reasonable dose or I'd get to a somewhat stable point and then she'd start weaning it. Pulling half a dose of AP and some other med I forget (Klonopin?) at the same time you are started a new drug and aren't even to a minimally effective dose makes no sense except to prove that you can't change too much at once without making a mess that is unnecessary. And I'm so sorry he put you through that.

Have you thought about trying some couples counseling once you are insured? It sounds like your husband needs help to understand your disease and to not try to fix it all. I think that's a typical male response but it's not a very helpful one.

I wish I had something more to say, something new or valuable. I'm afraid I don't but I'm praying for you to feel better.

Thank you...I must be lonely...and pathetic. My husband just got a call from another company he had applied for and he decided to take it. That means he has to give notice to a company he's worked for for only a few weeks He is stressed about it. But, he will have outstanding insurance and a great pension. My therapist wants him to come in a few times so that we can communicate better (or at least for him to be kinder). You are probably right about the medicine, my therapist sounds the same.

[Wanderlust90]

You are not pathetic! Your hurting. The only thing I know to sag is this too shall pass cash.

I'm glad hubby has found a new job, good luck to him!

[Imah]

Cash,

Wow - what a great change for your family (even though during the transition it will be stressful).

I am sorry I didn't know what a cad your husband could be. You always tell such nice things. I am supremely proud of him to be willing to go to counseling to learn more. Also, that he really does care about your wellness and not just his opinion of your appearance and how you keep house. It sounds as if he really loves you greatly and wants the best for you and the family.

I wish you all well.

[intergalactictraveler]

Originally Posted by cashart10

If a version of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then I must really be crazy today. I have been on this computer for HOURS. For the most part I've just been hitting refresh on the bipolar page waiting for new posts to pop up over and over again. I have energy to do things but I don't know where to begin. I am too sad to do it. So, I have wasted my energy, almost the whole entire day, begging for new threads/posts to show up.

That manifestation falls into the category of mixed state; your brain is cranking but all you can do is sit in one spot, lethargic and paralyzed. I'm there a lot. Spouses or significant others, aside, some of us(me included)are often too hard on ourselves. We're afflicted with a serious mental illness, not a case of the blues or something momentary. Even medication doesn't always straighten things out. I'm stating the obvious, but bipolar illness is extremely difficult to live and cope with. That's why we go on psych forums and other related sites to be part of a community where we are welcomed, accepted and embraced. We all need that. The world is a hard place and our lives are sometimes barely manageable. A safe, calm harbor, out of the storm, allows us to take a deep breath and let go of the tension.

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry to hear that your husband was mean to you. Hopefully he will go to therapy with you. My husband goes with me occasionally for this reason. He might also need outside support so he has a place to let his frustrations out instead of on you. You've both been under stress so I'm sure that's not helping either.

[Disorder7]

Maybe I misunderstood one of the posts here. It sounded like a doctor abruptly took you off Klonopin, or maybe some other Benzo..?????
I REALLY hope I misread something.

[raspberrytorte]

cash - Have you thought about your husband holding your meds for you? And then get a pill box so you can fill it three days in advance (or more). That's what I'm doing right now. It's working quite well. Hugs!

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Disorder7

Maybe I misunderstood one of the posts here. It sounded like a doctor abruptly took you off Klonopin, or maybe some other Benzo..?????
I REALLY hope I misread something.

He abruptly lowered me from 2.5 MG of Klonapin to 1 MG and then abruply from 2 MG to 1 MG. I am still taking 1 MG (1/2 in the morning, 1/2 in the evening).

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

cash - Have you thought about your husband holding your meds for you? And then get a pill box so you can fill it three days in advance (or more). That's what I'm doing right now. It's working quite well. Hugs!

I've had to do that before but it was short lived. It is probably a good idea for now though so the temptation is gone. I will talk to my husband about it. I'm surprised he didn't suggest it.

[Disorder7]

Originally Posted by cashart10

He abruptly lowered me from 2.5 MG of Klonapin to 1 MG and then abruply from 2 MG to 1 MG. I am still taking 1 MG (1/2 in the morning, 1/2 in the evening).

Klonopin is not as short acting as Xanax, but that's still a 50% abrupt cut. Damn. Most people who are tapering down cut about 10% every one or two weeks. Some even use liquid titration to make tiny cuts.

Well, he's the doctor. I won't say your benzo cut and withdrawal are linked to your current problems. But I will say it very well MAY be part of your problem.
Take care.