[boogiesmash]

So anyone that's been following me lately know that I have some self esteem, confidence issues. I am lonely and been talking with my therapist. She told me to go to a singles event for Valentine's Day, so I won't be alone, be surrounded with other singles, meet new people, socialize and most importantly get out of the house and have fun and put myself out there. As much as I keep crying about my body being fat I also have an impressive upper body that is muscular. After my last session I (Wednesday) I felt hopeful and looking forward to going to this singles event, I was thinking getting a new outfit stinging my shoes getting rid of this depression beard pretty much looking presentable. It was keeping me going.
At work before leaving I saw on the news police academies graduating and I instantly felt low. This was my dream job that I failed to get first for physical reason, which I overcame, then I failed an interview (no biggie learning xperience and moved on) to an evaluation board failure and then I quit trying to pursue that dream. Until my friend said the test is coming up and I figured I minus well take it. I scored 2nd and was a shoe in. I was extremely happy, proud and excited, then I didn't hear anything for a while which got my suspicions up, still didn't hear anything and a friend that was a police officer in that department defriended me on Facebook, became extremely suspicious. It turns out this co-worker who I was extremely tight with and good friends (we had a huge fight and falling out) had pressed sexual harassment charges on me. I was devastated and after constant worrying developed anxiety like crazy. Every day I would go into work with a knot in my stomach not knowing what was going to happen to me. (The harassment was massaging her back, which she asked for). I would constantly go to the bathroom sick and had to go frequently. My breathing started to become heavy and I started to feel very thing closing in on me several times during the week. (It was later discovered that I have been having panic attacks and developed an anxiety disorder. During this time my mother suffered a stroke which elevated my stress to a whole new level and became worrisome crying everyday full of regret and wish I would of had a tighter relationship with my mother that might of prevented it (if it would I doubt it, it was during a hurricane, but I wish I was closer to her emotionally because I haven't been in the past due to my upbringing which is a completely different story and more into my past. I gained at least 50lbs and some of my xl and xl clothing started not to fit. I would be driving three hours to see her on my off days at the hospital and enjoyed Roy Rogers in the highway every time I went to see her. Eventually she got better and from what the doctors told me she was lucky and she has is a little stuttering problem now and for some reason added a umhmp ghetto slang at the end of each sentence.
Later on the sexual harassment charges were dropped after it was found out she initiated it. However the police department I was trying to get into had already hired their new recruits. They told me I am more than welcome to reapply and take the next test but I would be ineligible because at that point I exceeded the age requirements. Now leading a couple of months into New Years aka my birthday I was devastated. The co worker that I treated as a sister ruined my dream, I had one of the biggest scares of my life with my mother, I was filled with regret of not being close to her, I was single, no lonely and suffering, my best friend moved a thousand miles away my other best friend was working like a madman and my roommate(friend I thought) was no where to be found. I was at home alone rock bottom, I had a bottle of whiskey, ambien and naproxen in front of me. I started pouring into a glass and pick one pill from the bottle and took it. This may have gone for 5 rounds I think I did 3 ambien and 2 naproxen before my friend called to wish me a happy birthday. Then my teenage niece called to do the same. I immediately stopped and started crying for hours but at that point I wanted to live no matter how much pain I was feeling. This was 2 years ago.
I originally was going to write about how other things triggered my depression but I felt that I should explain my "rock bottom" experience. Now after two years of therapy learning what anxiety and bipolar is (which sometimes I doubt, but prior to these incidents I was living wild with sex and gambling and spending which I'm paying for now) and depression. My meds have been working till I'm just saying as a milestone till the holiday season, which started with finance being the biggest trigger; I got a second job and that is no longer a reoccurring issue, my next trigger was what is has been past few weeks being alone and lonely. I am in such desire to have a girlfriend, not desperate, but desiring; my therapist reassurance that people have to like me for me and this plan to go out to this singles event alleviated this trigger. Lastly today my failed dream I am envious of what I wanted to become.

Good luck at the event! I think you're brave for even going because I find it very hard to work up the courage to attend something like that by myself.