[B2008]

Just read on another thread about talking and laughing with people that aren't there. Then it hit me. My way of thinking has always been if I was truly ill when I was having my conversations then I would have to see the person I was conversing with. But what throws me is during my talks I would get this overwhelming feeling and need to do so. I would have to hide away so my kids did not think mom was crazy but sometimes they would catch me or driving in the car I would just disappear into a world of me and my friend before realizing I needed to shut my mouth. I thought this was just loneliness. Or having an adult imaginary friend. So where is the line drawn? Oddly enough I did this for about 14 years until November when I started meds. I don't feel the pull to converse anymore but I'm only on mood stabilizers. However I am learning and attempting to correcting my behaviors so that could be why also. Anyway to the main point I'm terrible at staying on it is this a mental illness symptom or just a call for some adult conversation? Adult conversation where I can sorta make up both ends although it doesn't always feel like I run both sides. Ok well I think I just answered my own question but I'm gonna post anyway as I'm in tears now and a wasnt prepared to deal with this.

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

[Keegan2015]

You bring up a good question ... one which I don't really know the answer to.

I've always thought in terms of sound/words (I've heard other people think in terms of pictures/images) so I have a constantly running internal dialogue of sorts.

I also talk to/converse with myself (not so much after stopping drinking and starting on meds) and laugh at jokes that I come up with in my mind. I guess from the outside perspective that would come across as pretty weird
This usually happens during periods of time where I'm experiencing an extreme lack of sleep or am under high stress and feeling lonely.

[cashart10]

Since you are potentially speaking of my post, I will explain what I was talking about and hopefully ease your mind a bit. I experience pressured speech. At my worst, I would converse in my head and it would just burst out of my mouth...and I couldn't control it or shut up and didn't always even notice it. My oldest daughter and sometimes even my husband picked up on it and knew it was abnormal and would call me on it. My laughter was a nervous laughter. It was usually caused by me recalling something I had done embarrassingly (which is pretty much everything when I'm manic) and then bursting into laughter, again my daughter picking up on it. She knew these things were odd. I did my best to explain things and it wasn't incredibly hard since she was still so young.

[B2008]

It was yours cashhart10 but I had a huge eye opener which is a step forward for me. I reached out to my aunt who has had a really messed up life and mental illness history. It's hard be sure since I have yet to seek therapy. something I might not ever do until it's absolutely necessary. Anyway. I have a lot of trauma from childhood on to adulthood along with living a very solitary life with an older man from infancy to about age 10 then another abusive solitary existence from 18-25. We think because everything is anxiety based the conversations just became my coping mechanism I got so good at it i really hear the voice talking to me. It doesn't affect me negatively and only manifests after high anxiety situations. I always thought it was normal but not normal enough to talk about I guess. Idk I've never dealt with my past I don't want to I have my own family to raise. My environment is very stable I guess I'm just holding tight to the meds will work so I don't have to go down this road

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

[cashart10]

I'm so sorry for your past. My past is relatively trauma free and it still hurts to bring up the stings. I cannot imagine your shoes. I hope you do whatever brings you peace. All my love.

[B2008]

I'm never sorry for my past! I am the first in a long line to raise my babies and never leave their side. Plus I've been able to keep the mental illness at bay because of them. Like you said your past is trauma free but you still have mental illness. I could not have come this far without knowing the pain of being tossed aside by my mother and abused. I thank the lord for the experience. I believe I'm here to have and raise good children it might sound silly but the road to 4 children is a funny story in itself. Even though I regret nothing it's still surprising and painful sometimes when I realize just how much I convinced myself I was fine. But that's another stepping stone to growth. No I'm not a positive person by nature but it's a practice I have to do or depression sits in. I am thankful for my past and I am thankful cashhart helped me realize another piece of the puzzle. Happy hugs!

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!