[ToxicCupcake]

"Depressive episodes with irritable episodes"
"Depression that doesn’t respond to antidepressants (or gets worse, or “poops out”)"
"Depression with periods of severe insomnia"

This is how my bipolar feels to me. I don't feel like I can relate to Biplar I or II symptoms very well, but these three descriptions above really hit the nail on the head for me.

I've been searching desperately to find some clarity to this craziness I'm living. I sometimes find myself actually whistling while driving or doing housework and I stop myself, thinking, what the hell are you whistling for? You are depressed and angry and irritable at the drop of the hat. Can't sleep if I wake up in the middle of the night, because I have conversations in my head over and over and over.....just crazy. Sorry for rambling, but I can't tell you the relief I feel right now. I can see this has been coming on since my early 20's and when I got pregnant with son #1, I started the downhill slide. It was horrible. I describe what I went through as a breakdown because that's what it felt like. My OBGYN said it was postpartum after son #2 was born. But after I had a crying spell for a week straight, and she told me I had to go to my GP treatment, I had a breakdown.Horrible. Then another one about 3 months later. I searched out a mental health outpatient treatment center just to find someone to help me as I had severe anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts continuously. I was afraid for my children.They tried to convince me to voluntarily commit myself into a hospital and I said no. It was crazy. Now almost 2 1/2 years later I'm on Lamictal and Vyvanse (because, guess what, I have BED too) and I'm better than I was but still far from ok. I'm trying really really hard. I don't want my boys to grow up with a mom that snaps and yells over the most trivial things because I just don't have the patience and I feel like they are the reason why I'm so crazy. Of course I know they aren't the reason why I feel like this and I don't want them to suffer the repercussions of what my brain does to me on a daily basis.

Anyhoooo....I just felt the urge to get all of this out because I don't have anyone in my life I could tell all of this too without them wanting to commit me. My husband is already concerned, but he doesn't really think there's anything wrong with me. He even thinks the Vyvanse I take is a diet pill, because I'm losing some weight due to me not binge eating.every.single.day. Whatever. It feels like the only thing I do have control over these days. I'll take it.

Thank you for letting me have a place to "let it all out". It's a relief. I can go to bed now Have a good night all.

TC

[Wanderlust90]

I have trouble relating to a lot of the experiences others with bipolar have. Although in some cases I read a paragraph, normally written by someone here who experiences mixed episodes (dysphoric hypomania/agitated depression) & I'm like wow it's like I wrote that. I don't often get the euphoric elevated states, mostly depressions & ?hypomanias superimposed on depression. It's like I'm missing the fun part!

[Ocean Swimmer]

Glad you could share. It's great you want to be a good mom. Even with bipolar you went thru 2 pregnancies and produced two wonderful children.
My grandparents raised me most of my upbringing. When it came time that I might get married and have children they were opposed. My parents too. He!! No was the refrain. They even tried to drive the man from my life. Not because of bipolar either.
It was because I had a great education and career by then and they said kids would ruin everything.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

That website was how I realized what was wrong with me. Way back then it had links that helped me get help as well.

[4infinity]

I can really relate to what you said about the yelling and irritability. I was undiagnosed during raising my kids. I would go to bed crying cuz I didn't know what was wrong with me. They paid a heavy price cuz of this insidious disease. My heart still breaks when I recall something I said or did. If only... Well we know where that takes us. But by the grace of God they love me and we're close.

Bi polar 1, PTSD

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by 4infinity

I can really relate to what you said about the yelling and irritability. I was undiagnosed during raising my kids. I would go to bed crying cuz I didn't know what was wrong with me. They paid a heavy price cuz of this insidious disease. My heart still breaks when I recall something I said or did. If only... Well we know where that takes us. But by the grace of God they love me and we're close.

Bi polar 1, PTSD

It was the same way with me. I wasn't diagnosed until after all the kids were grown and gone. I wish sometimes that I could get those years back, but all four have assured me that they've long since forgiven me for my behaviors and we are all close in heart, if not geographically. They're my favorite people in all the world.