Crawling out of my skin...

I've been feeling super anxious lately, and at the same time really vulnerable and starting to dip to the lower end of my spectrum. I can't concentrate for any length of time, which is impacting my work and my home life. I am still attending things I'm committed to, but I really don't want to be there; it's draining to put on the "I'm OK" show. My husband can tell something's starting to be a little off, but I don't really know what to say to him. I've told him I feel like I'm starting to feel lower. I get agitated easily, and have started quieting my kids all the time again - every noise they make is grating.

I want to just climb back into bed and stay there, to disappear, to release all responsibilities. Or to drive away and not look back. I hate the feelings running through me and am trying so hard not to turn those feelings which are part of the chemistry of this illness into thoughts that self-perpetuate and try to drag & hold me down. Ugh.

You might also be burning out from mundane responsibilities and need a break from wprk and chores and kids?

Do you live near relatives or have friends that could watch the kids for a weekend? Can you take a few days off work? It's really important to practice self care and take breaks.

I don't think the US culture is good at identifying when it's time to vacation and I think part of that "gogogo culture" makes people feel bad when they have to stop. I take time off every 3ish months or I'll burn out and get really low. Work is draining. Kids are too. XD

That's a good point. I do have a 4-day weekend from work starting Friday, but my husband leaves town tomorrow morning for 6 days, and our good friends are also leaving for the long weekend and I'll be watching their daughter for the 4 days I'm off. So even though my work has a break, my 'domestic' responsibilities are increasing. And my husband will only be back for 2 days before he leaves again for another 8-day trip. He has another week out of town next month, then he agreed to participate in a heavy work period (at home, but will be long hours) during our kids' Spring Break. So I'll have the kids then, too, and either have to work while they're off school and at home with me, or take time off, but still be fully responsible for them during a week I had thought we would be doing something as a family. Come May, his busy season kicks in, and he starts working 12 days on, 2 days off, long/unpredictable hours; I won't be able to rely on him again for relief until the end of October.

You may be totally right, as I re-read what I just wrote - I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed, and am anxious about how much is on my plate and how long it will be until there's an opportunity for a real break...

When your friends come back talk to them about taking your kids? If you're going to watch their daughter they should be willing to watch your kids.

If you have a friend you haven't seen in a while you could use that opportunity to see them. Or see if husband wouldn't mind you visiting during their business trip? Or even a 3 day movie marathon by yourself where the only time you move is to eat and shower? Don't feel guilty for needing time to yourself.

You could even talk to them about scheduling date nights where once a month you guys watch one another's kids while one married couple gets to spend time alone. I'm fairly certain my parents did this with my sister and I when we'd go to her friends house overnight.

Those are good suggestions. We've tried swapping kids with our friends, but they're really overwhelmed with parenting in general, and my kids' patterns aren't at all compatible with their lives (my kids rise early, eat often, and are really active - our friends rise late, don't expect to have to do breakfast when the sun comes up then food every 2-3 hours, and generally have a pretty quiet household). They've watched the kids before, but it's clearly been a stressful experience for them. I don't really have any other good friends where we live; I don't make friends easily, and I don't keep many good friends in general. I only have the energy for one or two close relationships outside of my marriage/home life.

I think for the time being, I need to rely on the beautiful weather and the fact that my kids know me. If I ask them to play outside and tell them I'm worn down, they will generally give me space and entertain themselves pretty well; we also have a great neighborhood with lots of kids to play with outside. I have to let go of the guilt for sending the kids to be away from me when their dad is gone, too. I hate that part of this.

At least with my husband gone, I can get plenty of quiet time to restore after the kids go to bed without feeling like I need to continue to interact. That on its own can be stressful when I start feeling like this.

When was the last time you saw a pdoc or a therapist? What meds are you on? Maybe an adjustment is needed. Can a mom or sibling come stay awhile with you?