Lost a friend I'd do anything to get back. Now I'm going to write about it.

About me:

Severe bipolar disorder inherited from my mom. Scored 29 mania/33 depression. Have been pissing people off and driving them away all my life, but didn't know why until recently.

The long Version:

I can't post links yet since I'm new, but if anyone wants to read what happened, you can copypaste the URL:

reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/46bymm/i_25m_lost_a_close_friend_29m_after_telling_him_i/

(It's very long, though. About 2k words.)

The short version:

I had a horrible mixed episode on Valentine's day, told a long-distance friend who I knew wasn't interested and didn't want to talk about it that I loved him, got angry when he reacted badly and continued ranting at him long after he told me to stop and leave him alone. (He also has major depression and severe anxiety, which probably makes it worse.)

The aftermath:

I explained that it was a severe episode, I was completely wrong, and I've started treatment, but he didn't answer, so I don't expect him to ever talk to me again.

I told him that if he wants to email or call, he can reach me that way, then quit AIM - which was the main way we talked - scrambled my password, deleted his number, and (using a program called Cold Turkey, that's impossible to uninstall) blocked every way I have of contacting him or seeing how he's doing on social media for a month.

My current situation:

I'm mostly not eating. I don't want to get out of bed most days. I work from home and I've been neglecting it.

I can't play games anymore, because that was one of the main things we bonded over. I can't even look at Undertale anymore, because he gifted me that game on steam, we were both huge fans of it, and it was the main topic of our conversations for months afterward.

I can't watch any of the shows we used to watch together. Which sucks, because I'd like to know how Gravity Falls ended, but I can't make myself watch it.

I'm struggling to start drawing again. Drawing was another one of the main things we bonded over, and he was the main beta reader and critic for my webcomic.

As you can tell, we were very close. We talked 12 hours a day, every day, sometimes.

After coming down from that episode, I realized that I don't really love him. Not romantically. But damned if I don't still care about him more than almost anyone else in my life and regret pushing him away.

I want to keep talking to him. When he fell into his depressive episode and all but stopped talking to me, I promised I'd never give up.

I've already owned up to everything I've done, apologized, and told him how to contact me, so I know that I've done all I can, but...

If I thought it would work, I'd still beg him not to give up on me, talk to me, to just please be here for me during one of my worst periods.

But I don't think that's a good idea, so instead, I'm going to diary what happens here.

maybe he just needs some space for a while. I would give him some time and maybe wait for him to reach out to you if he feels like it.

Of course. That's why I blocked all my ways of contacting him for 30 days.

He didn't block me on chat or unfollow me on Tumblr, so... As one of my friends said, "if someone doesn't want you to contact them online, it's easy for them to remove the means to do so." That gives me just a little hope, but again, maybe it's just because he doesn't care.

Basically, I can't convince myself that he ever will, after that. And why would he? He asked me to leave him alone twice, and being at the height of an episode, I just couldn't listen, blamed him for being rude to me, and told him he needs help. If he doesn't talk to me again, I deserve it.

Plus, he thinks I'm still in love with him, which must be freaking him out. Part of me wants to reach out again and say "look, I'm not, OK? It's safe to talk to me."

But again, just venting my thoughts. I most likely won't.

You'll get stronger every day you stay away from him.

12 hours a day seems obsessive,yes?

That was back around the time we first met, when we were still considering meeting up and dating. Right before his major depressive episode, it was maybe 2 or 3 hours a day, then, after it (for about 3 months now) very infrequently, although I'd still try.

Thanks, though.

Are you diagnosed bipolar? I noticed you posted scores on your depression and mania. Did those scores come from a pdoc or did they come from psych central? If they came from psych central or any online quiz, please see a pdoc soon. I didn't read the full version of you story so I'm sorry if you already addressed this.

I ask this because I would imagine if I had convinced myself I was in love with someone (especially someone who had most of my time) and they rejected me, I would feel embarrassed which could present as anger (maybe even rage). I don't mean to belittle your situation at all and the ONLY reason I bring this up is because I don't want you to carry around a label that was earned after an unfortunate circumstance. I wish you well and hope you don't permanently lose a friend!

The scores were from PsychCentral. Two therapists have said I was, years apart, but I've never received a diagnosis from a doctor.

I went in for evaluation at a psych ward the day after that incident, and they grilled me, but... It was frustrating, because after confirming that my vitals were OK and I wasn't in any danger of killing myself, they just gave me some therapy resources and sent me on my way.

I'm being tested again on the 28th. It sucks having to wait a week to get any confirmation or to start being helped, though.

---

Also, I was going to post this anyway (hope you all don't mind if I use this thread as a diary), but regarding the "hope you don't permanently lose a friend" part, there have been other situations like this. Some my fault, some not.

In every case, the person has come back, or has answered my messages somewhere between two months and three years later, even though I was convinced we'd never speak again. In one case, he ended up being my most reliable friend.

...Except one, that is. There was one time I messaged a girl I was fairly close friends with too much, and she just disappeared without a word. It's been three years since I've heard from her, and I kept sporadically reaching out (once a year or so) the whole time. That one was painful.

I sometimes wonder if maybe every close friendship comes to this point - where one does something truly vile, they don't talk for a long time, but if one reaches out and the other forgives them, that's when a lifelong friendship is formed. That's just a passing thought, though.

Right now, I'm still hurting tremendously and can't get over the idea that it's my responsibility to keep talking to him, and there must be SOMETHING I can say to get him to talk to me.

It's kind of a mindf--k, because all through the two major depressive episodes he's had, he'd ignore me, so I'd do that and it always worked if I was persistent enough. I'll admit the stress and fear from it ate me alive, though.

---

(Also, yes, I've heard that compulsively talking this much about things that bother you is itself a symptom of BD.)

Ended up cracking and sending an email saying "I don't love you, I was having a mixed episode, and I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I hope you're doing OK."

I don't know how he'll take it, but at this point, I guess it doesn't matter.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I hope he responds to your email. Hugs.

Thanks, everyone.

If he doesn't... Right now, I feel it's fine.

My aim isn't to talk s--t about him behind his back, so I won't go into specifics, but I have to admit I couldn't stand who he turns into when he's going through a major depressive episode. He almost constantly ignored me or stonewalled me when I tried to talk to him or bring up something that bothered me. It's just like all those stories you hear on mental illness forums about how "my [friend/relative/partner] was so nice, now he's a different person! What happened?"

I know those are common MDD symptoms, which is why I swore I'd put up with them before, but I don't want to drive him even further away by trying to talk to him more in this state.

Anyway, my new therapist had an appointment open up for tomorrow, so at least there's that.

Also, I just realized how much I've been unconsciously repeating myself when it comes to describing his MDD. That's definitely a sign that it affected me.

--Entering journal mode--

...And yeah, it did. I'll admit I have severe abandonment problems. My parents separated before I was born, my mom was abusive growing up, I've moved a lot, and as I've mentioned, I've pissed off, been disappointed by, or grown apart from a lot of people. In large part due to my BD, I guess, a lot of people I cared about have just ghosted.

My last ex started ignoring me and stonewalling me in the exact same way towards the end - but in her case, it was for different reasons - and I responded by lashing and out and exploding at her, after which she told me she never cared about me and just wanted to use me. I'm over it now, and we did end up talking again last Christmas, three years afterwards, and she revealed she was a diagnosed psychopath... ("But psychiatrists don't use that term," you might be thinking. And you're technically right, but she is. It's a long story.)

...But at the time, it was so hurtful that I remember it as being one of only two times I've gone catatonic for days and just barely spoken or functioned beyond the bare minimum. Had nightmares about it right up until the time we started speaking again.

When I became friends with this guy, I was convinced I'd finally found someone I could rely on, and that even though we weren't relationship material, no matter what happened with this guy, we'd stay close, lifelong friends. And it was even worse because he promised he wouldn't do that and we'd always work things out.

(When he'd ignore me for long periods while still updating social media, though, I'd sometimes snap and accuse him of trying to, though, which is - in the end - probably why this is happening. The cumulative effect of it was just too much.)

Anyway, when it started happening again this time... Forgive my Tumblr language, but it was a huge trigger. I clung way too hard, fell into a deep depression, and lost 15 pounds over two months. I hate to use the term "traumatic" to describe something that most people could just tank - and he'd probably be a mixture of freaked out and disgusted with me if he knew I was writing all this - but... Yeah. All the same nightmares, panicking, trying to get in touch with him multiple times a day, trying to bargain, etc.

Doubly so after the friendship ended. After the initial denial period, I'll admit I was suicidal after realizing I'd ruined a close friendship AGAIN. It's passed now, but that's why I had to go to a psych ward. I realize it's not anyone's responsibility to put up with that level of neurosis, and it's too much to ask of most people. Which is why I'm sorry for my half of it even though he's the one who ghosted me.

I did warn him over and over that I had BD, though, and that things like this might happen. I'll admit I'm extremely angry sometimes, but again, it's not my aim to smack-talk him when he's not around to defend himself.

--Exiting journal mode--

But strangely enough, I'm starting to recover in... Physical ways, I guess? After we stopped talking, I started eating again, I've been sleeping less, getting to work on time more. I still feel mostly horrible, but that's progress?

I know it's possible he'll come around eventually. And I probably will end up talking to him again - maybe after the 30 days have expired, maybe before - and wishing him a happy birthday next year, at least - but for now, it's just safer to operate under the assumption that he won't, and that he either doesn't give a s--t about talking to me anymore, or he's so angry that he's just done. Very cynical perspective, I know, but it's better than false hope.

Anyway, those deep-seated issues are what I'm hoping to work out in therapy.

If you're still reading this, thanks. Having a consistent place to post all this stuff, where people can follow the whole story and respond, instead of trying to talk to random people about it, helps massively.

I'm reluctant to keep writing, because I don't want the people of this forum to think I'm some kind of obsessed stalker. Plus, if he knew I was saying all this stuff, he'd probably never talk to me again.

But... This is a better outlet for my feelings than giving in to the temptation to break down and talk to him, I guess.

My mind's swinging wildly between extremes right now.

Right now, mostly, the anger I'd felt towards myself is being turned outward.

"I'd never do this to someone I cared about unless they were threatening my life. Never, no matter how bad things got. Yes, we argued a lot, yes I made a lot of mistakes, but so did he. Is our whole friendship invalidated because of this, after I spent months helping him out? And he used to post stuff on social media about forgiveness, where is it now?"

But I can't let that bubble over.

I'm also scared. I can still use chat on my phone, so I've considered asking if we could talk about this, but every time I've gone on, he's been offline. As I said, he didn't block me, so I know he's legit offline. Which is weird. The whole time I've known him, he's been online without fail every night. He hasn't, lately.

Keeping things as vague as possible, he's got a very sick family member. Last time he stopped coming online like that, that family member was in the hospital. So I'm conflicted. What if that person's dying or something? Shouldn't I try talking again?

No. Don't ruin the dignified apology I made. If this is over, that was the best note to leave it on.

Can't wait for my therapy session tomorrow.

Ehh... F--k it. F--k this whole situation.

More updates if mood changes again.

I have been the "depressed stalker" more than once in my life and it has always occured when I was manic. No need to worry about our opinions on that. You name it, we've seen it. I hope you find relief from this situatuation soon.

I'm not stalking him. The opposite, in fact. Aside from when I checked to see if he was online, because I wanted to talk things out, I haven't been looking at his online presence or social media at all.

I decided not to try talking to him again, anyway.

I've - much faster than I anticipated - moved on to that phase after every breakup/end-of-friendship where you just want to run to the opposite end of the planet, hide in a cave, and hope they never so much as think about you again.

Deleted all the games he gifted me and abandoned the Tumblr account he's still following.

--Journal mode on--

Also, I went ahead with the therapy appointment yesterday. It was just the second part of my... I forgot what they called it, but the session where they take down all your info.

Part 3 is on Monday, but after that, I won't be able to see a doctor or the therapist they'll permanently assign me for another month.

That means I have to look forward to a whole month of being a mess, with no help. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I've been able to talk to the therapist about this situation a bit - although he may or may not end up being the one I end up with - and he told me not to keep trying to contact my ex-friend, and seemed confused and irritated that I'm this upset over someone I don't know IRL.

I tried to tell him, almost desperately, that I don't know why, and I know it shouldn't be affecting me this badly, but it is.

He says that it's because I just can't relinquish my need to control situations, which is what got me into this mess in the first place. (i.e.: continuing to talk to ex-friend after he told me to leave him alone.)

That's true, but... I told him those are BD symptoms, and he didn't answer. Maybe he's right, though, and it's not an excuse.

--Journal mode off--

Strangely enough, despite feeling the way I did yesterday, I woke up with the overwhelming urge to try talking to him again. (I guess the mood swings like that will go on for a while.) I didn't, though. Every time that happens, I usually just post here instead.

I've been taking L-Theanine and St. John's Wort for a few months now in hopes of controlling the episodes until I can get real meds. They work a bit, better than nothing, but not all that well. But I forgot to take them last night, ended up getting absurdly emotional out of nowhere during a movie, breaking down and messaging him on my cell, asking if he could block me to make it easier.

He said he didn't want to talk to me yet, but he didn't want to block me either, so please leave it at that. I did.

Am I happy I got a response from him?

I don't want to say "yes." Mostly, I'm humiliated that I just couldn't shut up and leave things alone.

I'm fairly lucid, or "normal" right now - whichever term is more appropriate - so I'm aware that none of this has anything to do with him, and most of that stuff I was feeling (and venting) earlier was just my own delusions projected outwards. But soon, I probably won't be.

It's bittersweet having moments like this.

On one hand, they're what keep me from turning into someone like my mom, who's alienated everyone around her and ended up in the hospital with full-on psychosis twice, but doesn't see anything wrong and refuses treatment.

But on the other hand, it is kind of like being an alcoholic and having morning-after regrets, except you don't choose to drink.

I don't know whether I should wait the month to see a psychiatrist at the clinic I'm currently using, or try to find another one that can see me faster. The lack of focus and forgetfulness I've been experiencing lately is really starting to piss off people at my job. They're talking to me about it.

I don't know how I'll make it a whole month.