[kkrrhh]

Hi. I'm really sorry for what a long mess this is, and will try to come back and edit it a little better in the morning.

I had my first and only psychotic episode at the end of 2014/beginning of 2015. It was pretty severe and very traumatic, and the way I dealt with it after was basically trying to push it out of my thoughts and force myself to think about it as little as possible and distance myself. I also went on lamictal a bit after the worst part was over, which I know may have helped lessen my emotions and make them manageable.
It wasn't exactly great in the months after, but once a couple of months had passed I was pretty surprised at how not-terrible I was doing. I do remembering kind of having a feeling of, "hmm, is it really just gonna go away, like that?" I'd had a feeling I'd have to really face this and reflect at some point but was just trying to run away from it, and eventually it did just seem in the past and escapable.
Now I'm kind of unsure, though. At some point some time after, I was reading things online and saw people say it took them a year+ to recover, and I was confused and didn't know what I was missing, because I wasn't great but didn't feel like there was some big recovery I was working on - what was I even supposed to be doing? I know I was still experiencing different funkiness, it was just hard to put my finger on. I wasn't feeling great and functioning amazingly, but I never am because of anxiety/depression, so it was hard to separate which issues could've been unusual. Now I wonder, though, if there are smaller ways (like emotionally) I just wasn't allowing myself to recover in, and I just considered myself fine just because I was outwardly sorta functioning.

I was reading about psychosis again recently, and this time the year or so+ recovery stories hit me differently. I wonder if there's other parts of healing I need to go back and do. It almost feels like I "missed out" on having a true recovery (I mean, I wasn't under any sort of consistent decent treatment to help and was pretty much on my own) and am not as well as I could be. I'm afraid that I'm just hearing of other people having that experience though and thinking I "have" to do the same, because why would it just go away so easily on its own. Like it's making me doubt whether I've gotten better and think I'm wrong. And I'm also worried that, being depressed and unwell now, I'm just looking for something to point the finger at. But I do see how being so terrified and refusing to let myself fall apart in any way for fear of going back could have not only kept me from dealing with issues, but convinced me I'd been better than I was, even before this new worsening depression.
I've always been iffy about the whole "emotions resurfacing" thing, and think in some cases people are encouraged to purposely "process" emotions when it isn't necessary and causes more harm than good. So I'm wary of just dwelling on things and making things worse if that's all it is. My depression's been worse lately so I worry that points to it being the negative thoughts focused on the past that depression can always bring, but at the same time I've spent almost a year now constantly telling myself I'm fine and happy, not always believing it...I wonder if being in a spot where I can no longer deny I'm not 100% well lets me accept I might need to face these past things, too. I've also been passing the 1 year mark and going through the time of year it happened in the past few months, and that's bringing more thoughts about it back, but I don't know whether they're things that should be dealt with or just inevitable memories I should try to push away. I've also been getting hit with a lot of emotion because, hey, it was horrible and sad and embarrassing and life changing. Again, though, I don't know if I need to try to move past them, or...I don't know, do something with/about them. This is another reason I really need a good therapist again. :l
I know I felt a need afterward to let out just some of the crazy things I'd experienced and how my brain was thinking, but have really only cautiously and incompletely done that with a few family members or friends, who I don't wanna weird out and they already seem uncomfortable. Sometimes just when I think I'm getting over it better, though, I'll start going over and remembering things from that time in my mind and just feel so sad, scared, humiliated, etc. I don't know if some sort of good therapy letting it out would help lessen the emotions at all, or whether they'll just always feel that way. It seems like there's just too much to cover to ever get it all out anyway.


A big problem it brings me back to is the whole thing that's been driving me crazy with lamictal, where I wonder if it just brought me to a relatively normal state I'd never experienced, or whether it just helped some and made things easier partly by lessening emotions and making them easier to ignore TOO much. Like maybe it was holding down the emotions, which may've even been beneficially and necessary for a while, and now that I've been messing with the dose, part of what Lamictal had been covering is coming out. Orrr, it's just depression coming out, and is actually a sign I need more. I don't know!
I went on the lamictal at a totally weird and not normal time, and then have spent a year on it, and I don't feel like I know what normal is and what isn't normal anymore. I feel things or notice changes and don't know whether it's me feeling more emotional and like me, a change coming from depression, or what. I can't even tell what changes are positive and negative sometimes.

And also, how do I know the difference between dealing with emotions that need dealt with, and just dwelling on things in a depressive way? How do I separate the two?

[Ocean Swimmer]

You should have the help of a great Theripist and Pdoc to sort things out.

Yes. I feel like the trauma in life can be hidden by the brain and then like a long semi circle pass in front of you again years later.

Abuse. Unhappiness. Unfulfilled desires. It's all possible to lay dormant then resurface. Imo.

[TishaBuv]

In general, when we experience something traumatic, we live it in the moment. We might go into survival mode or shock. Later, there might be disbelief and confusion. Much later, there might be anger, shame, obsessive thinking.

Your experience adds a psychotic experience and a psych med. So, these add different variables to my experience with trauma.

I agree, your psych professional will be best to help you deal with your feelings and concerns.