[B2008]

So I started a journal of moods, triggers, thoughts. For me and my husband. With a green pen. I have pages written in green. My husband has pages written in green. I lost my pen last month and my journal is on lock down. I have severe anxiety when I try to write with any other color or a different green pen in this journal. I can't start a new one yet I feel like if I wait and search again it will show up. Severe panic tears, can't move my fingers, shaking. This is nothing new. I realize it's displaced anxiety. I realize this is very ridiculous. WHY? Is this a common issue for BD? I've done stupid crap like this most of my adult life. I lose so much productive time because something just doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel right to write with anything other than that damn pen! I've tried in every different mood I've had and I just can't! I do have an obsession with pens and how they flow because I always blamed them for why I never wrote the same but this is just crazy! Does ritualistic behavior and BD go together? Thoughts please. I know it's a small issue but it's driving me crazy!

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

[CycloMary]

Sounds like possibly OCD tendencies in conjunction w BP.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Yes this is definitely severe OCD. Perhaps you're BP as well but I wouldn't think that effects it much. Are you in therapy for this? It sounds pretty serious. Would buying another green pen help at all or does it HAVE to be that one in particular? I hope you can relax some or find your pen!

Oh, and thumbs up on the journaling. Very healthy to get your feeling out on paper. You're on the right track, just need to find that damn pen!

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[Ocean Swimmer]

For one thing Ritualistic behavior is very much a part of the Bipolar world I live in, but I agree with the others. You sound like you're experiencing
Severe OCD.
Relaxation exercises can help. Talk to your T about it.
Maybe you'll find the pen. It's got to be somewhere.

[B2008]

My journal is my t at the moment I'm very resistant to change and new people. Ritualistic behavior is not uncommon for me but not to this extent I can usually get past it or just rewrite everything in a different book, take a different approach etc. Idk maybe the anxiety of knowing my time of seeing a psyc doc for a full diagnosis is coming is really hitting hard. Auditory hallucinations, whispers and music have started again. Along with this ridiculous pen thing. I'm really afraid they're gonna try to play with my meds which I'm fine with I only wants good diagnosis and coping skills not a pill roller coaster. But how well will they listen to me on that when all this is going on?

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

[gina_re]

I don't get anxiety like that, but I do understand where you're coming from. Once I start writing in my journal in a particular color, the rest of the journal HAS to be in that color. And I hate it when I have to get a new pen to write with despite it being the same color. But with such severe anxiety related to that, I would have to agree that it sounds a bit like OCD.

[BlueInanna]

I do the OCD rituals too, with pens in the past as well. Since you said this is a more intense one for you than usual - what if just a thought what if it means you're having some breakthrough with therapy? You've made all this wonderful headway with journaling & that's so awesome. When I'm finally getting to a major breakthrough in therapy, I have ran for the hills in the past like a shutdown. I'm looking for a new therapist now & see it now & going to try to not let that happen again. Just do your best, but if there's any way you can power through & keep journaling, please try to.
Also Murphy's law, as soon as you let go of the need for the special item, it sometimes shows back up. Grrr!

[B2008]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I do the OCD rituals too, with pens in the past as well. Since you said this is a more intense one for you than usual - what if just a thought what if it means you're having some breakthrough with therapy? You've made all this wonderful headway with journaling & that's so awesome. When I'm finally getting to a major breakthrough in therapy, I have ran for the hills in the past like a shutdown. I'm looking for a new therapist now & see it now & going to try to not let that happen again. Just do your best, but if there's any way you can power through & keep journaling, please try to.
Also Murphy's law, as soon as you let go of the need for the special item, it sometimes shows back up. Grrr!

This actually makes sense as I head for the hills to. My meds are working journaling is working but that also means letting go of life as I've known it for the past too many years. Change is scary positive or negative it doesn't matter for me. It also explains the hallucinations as they only come in times of high stress. I think we all know what comes next self destruction so here's to looking forward. I will try again tomorrow with this new realization with a new color to represent the future and a positive change. I can feel the panic already but it's time to start letting go. Thank you so much for the replies!

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

[cashart10]

This is substantially different from your post but for some reason my mind related it to your circumstance. When I went to Bible and Beach (a 7 day retreat to FL) as a junior in high school, I came home on a "Jesus high." I proceeded to break in half all of my secular cds (probably close to 100 or more), tear my ani difranco, janis joplin and even Beatles posters and burned them in a fire. At first, it was liberating. However, it took no time at all for me to grasp what I had done. The damage of losing SO much music which (if you know me around these parts) was anguishing. I cried and cried for months at a time not having the money to begin replacing music (this was before internet music) or the posters that decorated my room so completely. It was as though a part of me had died.

I do see that "Jesus high" as hypomania in disguise and the impulsiveness as part of it also. I tend to make drastic, sometimes important decisions on an impulse and I'm sad to say I've always done this...with my friends, ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, and family members. I attach like a leach, usually to people outside of my frame of reference. But, that also doesn't quite relate to this thread. I guess I just want you to understand that obsessions/compulsions can happen with bipolar disorder and only appear in episodes. My pdoc has hinted at but never actually diagnosed me with OCD. And, if I am not in an episode, my obsessions and compulsions are primarily nonexistent.

It may sound petty to an onlooker but to you, it is huge. I won't belittle you or it. I certainly hope you stumble across it soon.

[B2008]

Originally Posted by cashart10

This is substantially different from your post but for some reason my mind related it to your circumstance. When I went to Bible and Beach (a 7 day retreat to FL) as a junior in high school, I came home on a "Jesus high." I proceeded to break in half all of my secular cds (probably close to 100 or more), tear my ani difranco, janis joplin and even Beatles posters and burned them in a fire. At first, it was liberating. However, it took no time at all for me to grasp what I had done. The damage of losing SO much music which (if you know me around these parts) was anguishing. I cried and cried for months at a time not having the money to begin replacing music (this was before internet music) or the posters that decorated my room so completely. It was as though a part of me had died.


I do see that "Jesus high" as hypomania in disguise and the impulsiveness as part of it also. I tend to make drastic, sometimes important decisions on an impulse and I'm sad to say I've always done this...with my friends, ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, and family members. I attach like a leach, usually to people outside of my frame of reference. But, that also doesn't quite relate to this thread. I guess I just want you to understand that obsessions/compulsions can happen with bipolar disorder and only appear in episodes. My pdoc has hinted at but never actually diagnosed me with OCD. And, if I am not in an episode, my obsessions and compulsions are primarily nonexistent.


It may sound petty to an onlooker but to you, it is huge. I won't belittle you or it. I certainly hope you stumble across it soon.

So this makes sense though it's hard to look back and remember but I do know the compulsions I do have go from minor to major but never in between and do coincide with my moods. But now that I'm on meds only since November, I'm experiencing the moods in a different way and cannot always notice the fluctuations it's like learning myself all over again. Life is better but then stupid crap like this happens which leads to another symptom that hasn't been this strong in years. I'm mean yes I hear things I see things I have to do things in a way that feels right I even have to mow our yard in a freakin square but it's always been easy to let myself be a little uncomfortable and cut that one corner or ignore the hallucinations, not have to feel exactly right before the task is complete. It all points to change life is changing I would rather wallow in my own self despair than have to deal with change. That is in the deepest part of myself because change means dealing with all the things pushed down down down all my life. I journaled it was leading me to this point and I couldn't handle it... bring out the ocd. I know this might be senseless rambling to some but I'm gonna post so I cannot delete it. It's a breakthrough for me. Tomorrows tasks in purple- the things I need to deal with to make my positive change

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

[mattjstead]

Do not feel bad. I am the same way. If I start a journal/class notebook/etc, all the writing has to be in the same pen. If not I get horrible anxiety over it and obsess until I can find the right pen.

[BlueInanna]

Hey how are you doing? How'd it go with purple?
I found an old random favorite green pen in my purse! It magically appeared I don't even know. And I am beyond delighted. I immediately thought of you - I have your green pen! How did it just appear so strange! I love it!
I think it's a sign for me to write again? So cool and trippy. And I'm so giggly over it.
Thought I'd check in and let you know.

[violetgreen]

I totally get what you're talking about and moving on to purple is a cool choice.

[B2008]

The purple pen and my journal are sitting together getting to know each other. Blueinanna maybe you should start writing! That's kinda crazy! What is it with green? I was thinking of all the things I have as stressors of green and realized there's more than one. In the spring the grass needs mowed and I love to mow but it's a stressor cause I have to do it in squares which wastes gas and irritates the hubby not enough for me to stop lol but the feeling of having to square is stressful and the feeling of I gotta mow no one else can it's hard seeing someone else mow my green grass not in a square. When I have audible hallucinations i can feel it like there's a green translucent blob with a radio in the middle. I'm a country girl I love the woods, I hunt, fish, ride, live on a few hundred acres of green yet it seems to be a very distressing color. I just don't get it. Funny enough purple is the universal color for no trespassing and I'm good with that. Just can't put the two together yet.

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!