My Mental Diaries. +++Trigger+++

There is a transformation going on. I can feel it. Almost smell it.
Mother Mania wants to come back. 4 or 5 hrs day before yesterday.
Couple of hrs yesterday and 4 or 5 hrs today again.
I notice not caring about the small stuff anymore. Not even the medium stuff.
What was a crisis a few days ago, is light fare right now.
I'm confronting my wife as an equal. And she's paying attention.
I hung up the phone on my yongest son. I'm not his buffoon anymore. He can find someone else to kill time in traffic.
Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Oh no... Call pdoc and make sure you're taking meds correctly. I know that high feels oh sooooo good but think of the crash.

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Hey there!
Do what you know to slow down. Breathing excercises. Extra sleep.
Herbs and vitamins.
You are a child of the universe. No less than the moon and the stars. You have the right to be happy. ( from an old poem)
I'm listening to books on CDs. It helps to keep me thinking about things outside of myself.

"Mother Mania" might want to come back, but you are making some good choices before she arrives, it sounds like. Remember to get your sleep and maybe she won't arrive to mess things up.

Broken sleep. 4-5 times up to raid the cold box. 6-7 hrs. Not bad.
Body aches. From swimming yesterday. The Lady is asleep. Wake up!.
We got things to do, places to go, people to piss off.

Whatever you do, don't follow Mother Mania, she's up to no good and will lead you down paths best left unexplored...

Thanks guyz. No worries, I got this.
Mother sent her daughter instead. Never new Hypo before this forum.
I was preparing for a 440v jolt, and got 220v maybe. Disappointed.
Brushed and vacuum the pool. Backwash filter. Adjusted Ph and hosed the patio area.
Swam a bit. Back hurts, as a normal human being. Superman didn't fly today.
I said I was going to the supermarket. Me and my big mouth.

Remembered the NAMI meeting..... and went. Sad situations. Totally handicap girl her mother took. She's new, but didn't cry. One of the old ones did.
In spite all this drama, it was the meeting that we laughed the most.
I promised one of the girls I will put the top down. And I did. That rag top has been up for 10 months.
I don't like Hypo. She gets on my nerves. Makes me jittery.
All was car related. Backing out the garage, I hit the screen doors. Bumper scratched.
Late for the meeting, I cut in front of a semi. I sped like 20-25 over. No more, I swear.
There's a road crew with a brushing machine, and my car is getting hit by pebbles.
I needed to make a left turn, and I see two trucks that I think are part of the crew.
Cut in front of one, and I'm still hearing the horn.
Went to the front and turned. Maybe taking the light. Hope not.
When I was a few blocks away of the house, remembered.
Turn back to the supermarket. I bought six items. We need sixty.
And that, in a nutshell, has been my day.
Tomorrow, I'll wait for Mother before killing myself. No real energy from Hypo.

Hard to get up. Dizzy.
Slow to make breakfast. Muscle pain too. A lot.
Took the whole .5 xanax by mistake and hurry.
I'm eating bread in bed when I should be sleeping.
Avoiding inmsomnia. Maybe I should get up every time. Exercise.
Boat mechanic coming today. Need to be sharp or will overpay.
I'm bored and tired. Xanax is definetly a downer.

Keep us posted. xo

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Three days have gone by without any major incident. Only the mechanic's bill.
I'm doing normal stuff like a normal person. Running errands. Talking to people.
Anything but going to the supermarket. Maybe is better. I haven't cooked either.

I'm feeling normal. Not good. I want to feel manic. My manic.
Lots of energy, lots of happiness, ready to party and live life on my own terms.
I guess it requires spending money. My accounts are frozen by the other half.
THe SS check is such a joke, I can spend it in lollypops. And not buy many either.

If She doesn't come back soon, or I don't get a hold on serious money,
there will be nothing to write about in a few days.
Mother, please, don't let your favorite son down. Not again. Not ever.

Went to a Mexican-Americanized place for late lunch.
Beef and shrinp fajitas......and a Margarita. Non virgin Margarita.
Had a good time listening to mariachi music........... another Margarita.
This time the 24oz. So the poor waitress didn't have to walk so much to the bar.
My wife went for her second, which gave me time for...... a shot.
Men don't drink margarita in Mexico. Why should I?. Horale, another shot amigo!!!.
By this time, she was rushing to close the tab.
Got out of the place a little alicorated, but not impaired.
The fight for the keys is a given. I won. Drove home at the posted speed,
without any incident.
Only strange thing is I had a rush for sweets. And "baked" blueberry muffins.
I have a blob that looks nothing like. But it's sweet, and ugly.
I'm gonna try the drinking next weekend again. Maybe without company.

PS We have liquor, wine and beer in the house, and I never touch it.
I don't drink in the house. I like to ridicule myself in public.

My mother mania is mean. I hope your mother mania doesn't get you into any trouble like mine AlWAYS does.

I'd call your doc before you crash.

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Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone. Thanks John. I know.
When the walls come tumbling down, I want to be in good company. Mother Mania to my right. The devil himself to my left. The three of us together, like in the old days.
Firing all our guns at once. In harmony and precision. Nothing will stop us now, Grace.
Despising authority. Fighting lost causes. Helping the poor. Repelling the rich.
Always giving. Too proud to receive.
Cranked the box today. The old iPod all dusty. First time in 10 months. What a waste. I have but few to live. I've been the only one suffering. And for what. The world keeps turning with or without the old warrior.
Music does me good. I'm even dancing sometimes. But the party pooper is home.
No loud music allowed. Another rule. Another one to break. She can use my shooting plugs. I'm happy tonight. Thanks to music and Mr Lithium.
I hope it lasts. At least to my final day here. Thank you Mother. You're rearing your beautiful face.

Bend me, shape me anyway you want..... Almost.
Man proposes, God disposes.

Being dreaming about this weekend.
My mother's 102 Bday. Going for a drink. At Gulfstream.
Try my luck at holdem. And visit with friends after. Winner or broke.

None of the above. Terrible stomach virus on Friday.
As bad as thinking hospital.
I have to start cutting on excess. I'm a 66 yr old kid.
The Good Lord is showing me the way. His way. Only the hard way.
There is much more to lose than my mind.