[annmaria]

Hi All

I am a married woman, with 2 almost grown up children. I have been recently diagnosed with BP1/psychosis and somatoform disorder. I am 45yrs old

I had my first hospitalization in December 15, I am still traumatised from the experience. I am struggling with everything from, acceptance of dx to been in hospital, to having psychosis and all the crazy **** I did and said. The pdoc is saying that I had underlying BP for years but manage to function until now. During the last 4yrs I had a number of bereavements and slowly was cracking up. I put my behaviours down to grief, probably knew deep inside it was more. My childhood friend whom also was family died suddenly in July 2014. This was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I still haven't recovered. Shorly after her death the Pdoc wanted to put me in hospital but I refused. They tried to get my husband to sign me in he didn't. I then hibernated in depression for 9 months, started to function again. Don't know what triggered mania/psychosis was pretty wild frightened everyone in family and mental health services. I knew I wasn't feeling well but no way would I believe it was my mind that was ill.

I called 19 ambulances convinced that I had a physical ailment to do with my heart. My heart was racing like beating out of my chest, I was convinced that the hospital wasn't treating me properly. Convinced they wanted to send me to psych ward because of conspiracy. I think I also suffer from anosognosia no way was I mentally ill. I left hospital 29 December 2015 and stopped all medication and support immediately. it's only the last 2 weeks I have accepted the dx.

2 weeks ago I plucked up the strength to have a discussion with my husband. Whom is a wonderful man that I have treated pretty rotten whilst ill. I listen to his opinions and we decided that I return to services and try medication. I have sunk into deep depression since february and suicidal. I have started treatment since wednesday last week. I have been struggling with wanting to end it all. The thoughts constantly in my mind a one stage, now they come and go but very strong.

It's the whole 4 years of bereavements and what's happened recently playing constantly in my mind. Embarrassment, sadness, guilt, worthlessness, ****ed off, pissed off, had enough, so so ****ing tired.

I am taking risperdal lowest mg it's helping, I have had weekend contact with crisis nurse by telephone which has helped also.

Even as I write this, i just think **** it all. Sorry for a miserable introduction, I am a humorous, funny person, that can laugh at all this at times but she is gone missing at the present.

Hoping my venting might get me out of this hole. Thanks for reading.


Annmaria

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm sorry you're struggling with all this. I lost my husband about a year ago so I understand the bereavement part of it. He was my biggest supporter with this illness and without him I've been lost. However, there is hope. Even though this dx is big and scary, you can learn to live and even thrive with it. Are you in counseling for the grief? That can be a big help. Medication can only do so much.

Hold on. Even through the worst ****, hold on. It can and does get better.