[Curiosity77]

So this week has been wild, very wild. I don't even know how to begin to explain. Except it's 6:23 am and i'm in another country, awake, wide awake, and such a crazy intense couple days. I need to go home, on sick days, but need to get back. All i want to do is stay awake, dance, have lots of sex with lots of people. It's so exciting, but also scaring me. Hooked up with 2 guys i don't know at all, and a girl who os my friend. It lasted hours and hours, and ended up just me and one of the guys. And sending sexts to another guy st home. I said goodnight, and now it's morning. I'm so energized. It's been amazing, but also scaring me because i feel so giddy and out of control. Trying to navigate a safe landing, but all i want to do is dance. I know i need to peace out of seroquel for a bit, but everything is electrally charaged and amazing.

Basically i'm having fun, but scaring myself with complete nihlisim. I just don't care, feeling reckless and insatiable. I knpw things aren't right, but i can't fix it

Please send thoughts for me to find a soft landing. Having fun, but terrified at the moment.

I don't have a clue who these guys tonight were. Like no clue. Should i be happy or scared.

Can't type.

Hugs and kisses, mad love

[Icare dixit]

Maybe you can focus on something less hedonistic, nihilistic or damaging. Your actions are consequential and can be beneficial or disadvantageous.

Maybe try to analyse why you basically damage yourself. I think there is a reason behind it, even though you think it's mostly nihilistic. It might be, but it doesn't have to be. If you don't feel you purposefully do things doesn't mean that you indeed don't.

Find the purpose, the reason, and you'll find a way to prevent such behaviour, doing the things that serve that same purpose, but less damaging.

A part of it, the direct causes, are probably losing excess energy and seeking stimulation. Find ways to do that in different ways. Just walking through crowded parts of a city, just observing, helps for me. Walk fast, walk in countless circles: whatever helps and gives less cause for feeling guilty. Or find ways to channel aggression.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Please take that seroquel and rest! Call pdoc ASAP!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Curiousity It's good to see you again.

Well, that all is very intense. Yikes. You said you have the Seroquel. But don't want to take it. Take it. Why? Because I said so!

But seriously, besides that (not that that isn't reason enough ), there is a part of you that recognizes that it should be scared. Grasp onto that, because that's the one telling the truth.

I care. You know that. You also know that I'm not always the best follower of Shoulds. So it's not coming from a persnickety spoilsport kind of place. It's from a place of caring. Of not wanting you to get hurt. Here's the objective truth: This has WAY too great a likelihood of causing that to happen. In so many ways...

In the meanwhile I'm sending good thoughts for strength and objectivity your way. Please take care and keep us posted, ok?

Sending you hugs!!! The good thing is you are able to recognize something is wrong. I'm sure in the past, this would happen without even knowing something wasn't right. You are Ina dangerous place by the sound of it and need some help. Stay connected to your self reflection.... Hugs and wishing you a soft, safe, secure landing.

[Curiosity77]

Thanks everyone. I'm home now, took some clonazepam, and got a few hours sleep, and actually ate some proper food. I don't really know what to think. That was an amazing week, but i know i can't keep that pace going. It's just not sustainable. I look back at the week and think maybe i'm just a different kind of person than i thought i was. Not going to shame myself about it, but maybe i just need to be wild right now for a bit.
There were a bunch if things that triggered all of this, and some of it was very disturbing and intrusive flashes of past memories. I thought about that stuff, and finally got angry about it, instead of feeling shame and low self esteem. But it was bumpy, irritable, and then elevated. I think a lot of what i'm doing right now is reasserting my power and agency over my body. The thing is i know i'm taking pretty big risks with some of it, and i need to be more careful, because i don't feel like self destructing. Actually that's pretty cool, because wanting to self destruct was with me for many years. Now it's more like feeling powerful, and like fireworks, and seems like there are so many people out there who want to experience extremes and celebrate. It's like i'm a magnet for all of that right now.

I didn't take much seroquel over the weekend, because i was traveling and didn't really want to feel sedated or have the time to sleep. Back to work tomorrow, because my medical note only covered through til now. But that's ok. I think i'm going to be able to sleep well tonight, it's actually hard to stay awake. I'll probably take a half dose tonight to get used to it again and go from there. I think as long as i make sure to sleep it will all be fine.
Thanks as always for reading and responding. Nice to know i'm not just shouting out into nowhere. Peace

[Ocean Swimmer]

I feel like guard up too. A tough week ahead. International travel clearing customs, it can be very triggering.
Please follow all the above advice.
Sleep. Vitamins. Food. Watch out for implulsive actions. Think 3 times and do once.
Love and luck.