[darkcomesoon]

My entire life i've had weird personality traits, it was very clear that I had ups and downs and although it took me to get into my 20's before I was diagnosed with bipolar 2, I never really showed overly obvious symptoms.

Into my 20's I loved going out with friends, I loved being looked up to whether I should have been or not, I thrived off of loving other people and making them feel special, I loved drinking, meeting new people, going to clubs, parties, work events, I was motivated and truly enjoyed life as anyone my age should. I experienced ups and downs, some which if I had talked to a therapist at the time could have easily diagnosed me, but nothing near what anyone would consider overly worrisome. I moved away across the country for work for about a year to a new state where I did not know anyone, it started out as an incredible experience which I enjoyed. This was a red flag in itself because I was never the kind of person to just decide to move across the country. About 5 months into the experience I became severely depressed. I had never before experienced not wanting to get out of bed, crying uncontrollably, wanting to isolate myself all the time, yet still managing to function at work and once I pulled myself out of bed there was not much of a struggle to get my job done and be genuinely happy about doing it. I was very lonely, I had no friends, nobody other than my friends and family back home which I did not see, just spoke to over the phone. My depression got worse and I ended up moving back home because I could not handle being so far from what I was used to.

After moving back home, my life seemed to regain what I considered normal. I was going out again with friends, and back to my old self. We would all plan trips and I was thrilled to go, we would go out almost every weekend and i was always game. I met a wonderful guy who I got very serious with and became engaged to. I got in a very big falling out with my fiancee which had nothing to do with my mood swings, we co owned a business together and had some financial differences and ended up breaking off the wedding. The break up was very nasty and after being angry I became absolutely devastated and depressed. I became obsessive, and would not leave him alone begging his forgiveness, it was pathetic. My best friend decided to take me on a trip to new york and lift my spirits during the hard time. We went out one night and I had the normal amount to drink but absolutely lost it. I was very intoxicated but made some decisions that I had never made before and will never make again, I was fully aware of what I was doing and enjoyed it, and made it a point to make the same decisions every single night that I was in New York. When I returned home It didn't phase me, until years later when I realized how out of character that was for me and was diagnosed with BP2. I think maybe this was a manic episode or something.

In a matter of about a year, I became the person that I am today and for the life of me I cannot figure out what happened. Sure, anyone can say "you're bipolar, thats what happened" but how would this change my personality so suddenly? It's as if I became a completely different person, nothing about my personality or behavior is the same as it used to be. I don't even know myself. I went from being the person who loved going out with friends, struggled with the occasional mood swing a few times a year or so and suddenly became this person who absolutely despises answering the door, answering phone calls, having to say hi to my neighbors, going out with friends to parties and clubs, I struggle so much with being affectionate to other people, I no longer thrive off of people looking up to me or admiring me, I have a very hard time loving people back, I no longer care for my ex, its not something I'm sad about or hold on to, so it does not effect me, nor does much of my past. I will make an effort to go out with friends and end up regretting it immediately and wanting to go home. Im not afraid of crowds, or noise, business, nothing like that, as a matter of fact I really enjoy going to concerts, plays, conventions an things of that sort. But pulling my car into my parking structure and seeing my neighbor getting out of her car makes me just want to sit and wait till she goes away so that I don't have to speak to her.

The worst part about this is that I go through the most severe swings at work. I will have a good few weeks where things are great and I am motivated and love working with the team. Then I will turn into an irritable, very withdrawn, insecure, even paranoid person.

Has anyone else experienced someone have such drastic change like this?

[zepchic]

In short, yes.

I can relate to a lot of what you have said. Overall, it has made me temper my personality as a whole. Like I try not to be too outgoing, because then that is what people expect from me and I can't be it when down. Mostly, I just avoid people as a whole when I am depressed. I can get away with this because I don't work (for the most part). I totally relate to the neighbor thing though. I am always, like hiding my face so xyz doesn't see me and then I have to make conversation.

The aspects of this that are most disconcerting to me is the fact that my personality is soooo different that I feel like I am not the same person. I feel like, what have I gotten myself into? why did I do this to myself? It is hard to live with the choices I have made kind of thing. Yeah, it sucks. But I just try to find the things that bother me most (like my big mouth and oversharing) and try really hard to control those things. Or really think twice before signing myself up for anything long term.

Yes, I can relate to much of what you wrote. (((Hugs))). I hope you find your center and balance soon.

[darkcomesoon]

Originally Posted by zepchic

In short, yes.

I can relate to a lot of what you have said. Overall, it has made me temper my personality as a whole. Like I try not to be too outgoing, because then that is what people expect from me and I can't be it when down. Mostly, I just avoid people as a whole when I am depressed. I can get away with this because I don't work (for the most part). I totally relate to the neighbor thing though. I am always, like hiding my face so xyz doesn't see me and then I have to make conversation.

The aspects of this that are most disconcerting to me is the fact that my personality is soooo different that I feel like I am not the same person. I feel like, what have I gotten myself into? why did I do this to myself? It is hard to live with the choices I have made kind of thing. Yeah, it sucks. But I just try to find the things that bother me most (like my big mouth and oversharing) and try really hard to control those things. Or really think twice before signing myself up for anything long term.

Long term commitments and opening my mouth are huge things for me too!