What does that even mean?!

Written on: May 7th, 2016, after 2 days of inpatient care:

I never thought I would be the girl to shut myself off from the party. I’m the loud one, the inappropriate one, the one who doesn’t know when to quit. I’m the girl with the laugh that can be heard from miles away. Yet, here I sit on this cold hospital floor, surrounded by puzzle pieces, with the door closed to bring the busy noise in the dayroom down to a low rumble. From the third floor of the local psychiatric ward, the world as I knew it yesterday has vanished.

I am the girl staff has to wake from slumber, with a reminder to eat, shower, and take my medication like a good psych ward patient. Being admitted doesn’t bother me like I thought it would. Having to identify with yet another statistic DOES bother me. Questions like “Am I still good enough”? and “What does this mean for my future”? have rattled around in my brain almost constantly since the moment I saw the phrase “bipolar disorder 1” on my inpatient chart. I’ve been working towards an education for 7 years. I chose the helping profession, but this diagnosis shakes me to the core. What do I know about myself? What do I have to offer to others if I can’t even figure myself out? I do know that I need to take it one day at a time.

Today, bipolar disorder looks like a small bedroom, with windows overlooking a quaint little garden and a full parking lot. It feels like wanting to bust out of this room to enjoy some sunlight. It feels confusing. It feels like the walls are closing in. The creamy green walls in my temporary dwelling scream for creativity, but I’m sure that might be a hazard to the many occupants that make a pit stop in this room. I’m trying to adjust to constantly being watched, having to swallow meds in front of staff to ensure that I’m actually taking them.

I don’t even know what bipolar disorder is, to be quite honest. How am I supposed to accept this as my truth?

Heartbroken and confused. </3

This is a post I wrote when I first discovered that I was bipolar, less than a month ago. I'm happy to announce that I've been spending my time learning about what this diagnosis looks like for me.
I'm also very happy to be here. <3

Hopefully you are less confused now. We (probably) all experience the not knowing when to stop or the knowing but not being able to help ourselves, at times. It has a beauty to it. A more pure, honest, authentic, natural way of living. It's the rest that live a more unknowingly forced existence.

They let you close the door to your room?

Anyway, that's very well written.