How much do your children know?

I've been reading some threads tonight and they have me thinking. I have had some vague conversations with my son about how to deal with me on certain days. We have some sort of "safe phrases" that let him know when I'm not having a good day and I need to be alone. This came after a few episodes of me yelling at him for minor issues while manic. He knows that I have bad days when I can't get out of bed. He has seen books laying around my house about bipolar disorder. He asked if I was reading one of them as a part of my job. Anyway, I wonder how much I should say to him. How much have you told your children? If you have told them about your mental illness, did you tell them your diagnosis or did you just talk about your symptoms? At what age were they when you told them?

He was 4 when we had head boo boo meds. It slowly morphed to bipolar and he's seen both sides of the disease. It's hardly ever directed at him (the anger) and he knows when to tell the other parent if he's scared. He can always request to stay with his aunt if we're to intense. He has his own therapist to process anything he doesn't want to tell us but he has BP too.

How old is your son?

My daughter is almost five, and I haven't discussed any of it with her yet. I'm not prone to blowups, I tend more to shut myself in a room when I'm having a tough episode so I don't upset anyone.

I've thought about this question myself a lot, especially because I've got more than one MI with possible genetic components. She should know our family history (I'm not the first with MI). But that's like way down the road. As far as right now, I really don't know how or when to address it.

Plus, I really don't want her going to school and carrying on about oh yeah my mom's a bipolar anorexic alcoholic and next thing I know none of her friends are allowed to spend the night. She'll need to be mature enough to understand the need for discretion. Stigma sucks.

The anorexia they pick up on fast. The bipolar we always said head boo boo until he straight out asked "the real name". We went over that some things you don't tell people. He was 4 ish when we started medication and taking it in front of him. He's 14ish now. His safety net knew.

We've been using the Pixar movie Inside Out to help my niece (almost 6) understand as she has been noticing more times when I look sad or tired or whatever. It has helped.

I was unmedicated and not diagnosed with bipolar until I was 36. He was 15. He knew I had depression. He saw me go through the beginnings of the psychosis. He has seen me manic, hypo and depressed. Though usually in bad manias and depressions my family would take him. I'm pretty open with him. He loves that I'm stable. So I'm staying on meds for him. I know in his childhood it was hard for him seeing his mom in manic rages. Sometimes I would yell at him. I've apologized profusely. He forgives me I think. He loved me hypo. I would buy him all kinds of things and we'd go out and do so much fun stuff. Of course he hated my depressions. But I have to focus on the here and now and I'm stable finally. He loves it.

I'm happy to be medicated bc I hated my manic rages. It was just verbal but I hated when I would get that way. Luckily it didn't happen often...

My son is about to be 14. a slip up from him could potentially get back to my employer. My son has his own therapist and she knows. He knows I take meds but he does not know why. I think he thinks they are for sleep. I can't remember all of the conversations that we have had.

My girls are teens and I just came out to them as bipolar last year. They always knew I had depression. They still don't understand it fully but I think they will in time.

My daughter was too small to remember anything from before I was getting treatment. She visited me in the hospital when She was 2 but doesn't remember it. My T is a child mental health specialist and she finds my kid to be pretty much unaffected by my issues. My son was born after a long period of stability that has gone on for over3 years now. I don't plan on telling them much until they are older.

I told my daughter when she was 8. I didn't name it, but I discussed it in terms of the emotional ups and downs all people experience, and that I sometimes experience either higher 'ups' or lower 'downs'. We discussed that sometimes I stay in that place longer than most people, and that it's an issue in my brain chemistry. I discussed with her that sometimes it makes me say or do things that I feel bad about later. I'm very good about apologizing when I can tell my BP moods are negatively influencing my interactions with my kids and making sure to tell them that I'm feeling a certain emotion and it's making me short-tempered, tired, easily frustrated, etc. I emphasize that I'm sorry for reacting in whatever way and then either tell them that I need some time/quiet to pull myself together, or have a do-over in my reaction (for example, if I automatically say no to something that sounds overwhelming to do, I may reevaluate that it's a totally normal request, and then explain why I said no and revise my answer).

My daughter is pretty good at knowing what's up with me. I've gotten pretty good at identifying when I'm needing extra time/quiet and letting the kids know that I'm in a mood or space where I need that. I'll let them know that whatever they're doing is a totally awesome idea, but it has to be outside (away from where I am).

My son is learning all that at 6 and aware that I have different tolerances for the same actions/noises/behaviors on different days. I've told him that sometimes I have a hard time controlling my emotions or moods, but that's about as far as I've gone.

They've both seen me taking my supplements every day, and I've said it's to help me keep my moods balanced when they ask. They take stuff (Vit. C, Vit. D, etc.) from time to time too, though, so it doesn't seem like a big deal to them.

My son is 21 and doesn't really know what's going on. I had a "nervous breakdown" recently and he just kept saying he doesn't know what's going on with me. I've tried to explain but he isn't really interested. He just knows there are days I just stay in bed all day and probably thinks I'm just lazy.

My bipolar was diagnosed when my daughter was 6 months old...I went from post-partum depression into mania and suicidal ideation. I raised her knowing that "mama's brain is different, and hurts sometimes." From that, I used the term bipolar disorder so she would always know, and also know what her own risk factors were. She's 21 now, and just got her beautician's license, so something worked for her in that.

Orders teach ignorance, explanations teach intelligence.

That was my philosophy.

Children are supposed to be adults at age 18, that means they stop being told what to do by 17 1/2. By age 13 my children began getting freedoms as a gift each birthday. I will no longer tell you when to go to bed, I will no longer tell you (as hard as this is...) how to dress. They looked forward to their new right as much as a gift.

I used the term "bad day" and would stay in my room with the explanation - you are doing nothing wrong. I am not able to moderate myself today, and to protect you from unreasonable responses, I am staying in my room. I am not trying to avoid you - I love you and like when we talk. But today, I cannot. Please only come to speak with me if it is something important. I trust you to make the right decisions.

My children went through a lot- they are both balanced and responsible adults who love me in spite of all my mistakes. Not sharing reality with them wasn't something I ever did.

Edit addition: At age 14 there should be nothing you cannot share with him. Ate age 14 he understands sometimes social secrets are necessary, if he doesn't he needs to learn. Part of your explanation should be that stigma society puts on mental illness. What mental illness is. How it works on the brain. This is a great bonding opportunity. We cannot forget that we are raising people who might have issues themselves, or children with issues and we need to be honing them into acceptance without judgement and discretion without repression and pretense.

my ip hospital would not let me leave until the entire family came ... they got the short story from staff before I was ever let into the room .... two boys age 14 and 22 ... they have never asked anything from me ... but I also know they (as well as my wife) have never told anyone ...

All of mine were grown before I got my diagnosis, so they understood when I told them I was bipolar. I still had to tell them what it was and how it explained all the craziness when they were younger, which was a good thing because they'd always wondered about that. As a result they were able to forgive me for my inconsistency and my rages and my manic spending while they were growing up.

One day I took my daughter to my pdoc. He explained to her Bipolar II and how it is not the same as the stuff she sees people with MI doing on TV, like schizophrenia. But hey, who knows in the future? It has been getting worse for me. I may end up scaring her just the same. I hope not.

Thanks so much for your responses. They have been helpful. I've been diagnosed for two years now so the concept of having a mental illness is still relatively new for me -- especially since I kind of bounce between denial and acceptance on any given day. Right after the diagnosis, there was a divorce. Lots of changes and sorting out of feelings versus mood. I recognize that he is moving into some critical years where symptoms could develop if he has been so blessed to carry on my legacy. We will continue the education process as opportunities present themselves.

I started talking to my son about it at about age 7/8. He is now 10. I use it's correct name. He has ADHD and some mood issues and takes medication, so it's easier to talk about I think. Just like he needs to take medication to to help his brain, I do as well.

I found it necessary to discuss it some with him because I get irritable and snappy. He needed to know that it was not because of him. I haven't explained bipolar in great detail though.

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My son is 16. We are very very close. I've been completely and totally honest with him about my bipolar. I've always treated him more like an adult than a child, and we have a very open relationship. We talk about everything and try not to close off emotions from one another. It's worked very well with us. He appreciates knowing what's going on because being in the dark makes him worth more than trying to understand what I go through.

I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until a few years ago, but my daughter knew of the depression since 12. She's now 19 and has her own issues with depression and anxiety, but we all seem to be holding up well.

My breakthrough moment with my son (now 24) was when we went to see "Silver Linings Playbook" together. At the end, he turned to me nearly weeping and said, "Oh mom". I knew then his eyes had been opened and he finally had some understanding.