[Jensitive22]

...that's how I feel sometimes. Like a struggling fly trapped alive in a drop of amber, watching life move around me. Most days and most of the day are spent in the safety of my home. I get out for appointments and group meetings at the mental health clinic, I go to the grocery store with my husband, and I take my dog for walks around the trailer park. That's it. Anything else, particularly social events or visits with family, fill me with dread and anxiety. My life wasn't always this way.

I have always struggled with depression and anxiety, but I functioned. I raised my family, went to college, and became a teacher. There were days I felt like I was swimming upstream in a river of depression and anxiety, but I was able to keep my head above water. I didn't let it pull me under. When I hit my forties, I began to slip. Several life events weakened my capacity to stay on an even keel. In 2009 I had my first significant manic experience. It began in the spring, peaked in August, and I crashed in September. A suicide attempt at the start of October would put me in the hospital where I was diagnosed with BP II and put on more medication than I have ever been on in my life. Three weeks later I returned to work, struggling with side effects from the drugs and the speculative glances and concerns from fellow teachers and administration. Later I would find out that my principal, teachers in my department and even some students knew why I was in the hospital. I would work for five more years until another breakdown would bring an end to my teaching job and ruin my professional reputation with the school district.

Fast forward two years later to the present. Unemployed, unproductive, and unable to restart my life. The social workers that I see at the mental health clinic say that I am making progress, but two years of inertia makes me feel stuck like a fly in amber.

(((Hugs))). I'm sorry for all you've been through. I relate. My life took a turn for the worst in my 40's and I crashed and burned at my career. It feels like too much to bounce back from. Keep moving forward. If they say you are making progress, I'd take their word for it. Congratulate yourself on your accomplishments. (((Hugs)))

[Jensitive22]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

(((Hugs))). I'm sorry for all you've been through. I relate. My life took a turn for the worst in my 40's and I crashed and burned at my career. It feels like too much to bounce back from. Keep moving forward. If they say you are making progress, I'd take their word for it. Congratulate yourself on your accomplishments. (((Hugs)))

Thank you, ElsaMars. It's good to know others can relate.

[cincidak]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

(((Hugs))). I'm sorry for all you've been through. I relate. My life took a turn for the worst in my 40's and I crashed and burned at my career. It feels like too much to bounce back from. Keep moving forward. If they say you are making progress, I'd take their word for it. Congratulate yourself on your accomplishments. (((Hugs)))

My life also took a dive when I turned forty. I went into major depression after a period of extreme mania and psychosis. Fast forward five years and six pdocs later and I'm stable, happy, calm, and peaceful. It was little bits of progress at a time. Please keep slogging forward. If they say you are making progress believe them and keep going till you feel stable.

Sent from my SM-T550 using Tapatalk