[Secretum]

That is just how my brain operates. Major depressions, check. Feelings of worthlessness, check. Repeated heartbreak, check.

My boyfriend and I are probably going to break up soon, and I am devastated over it. He won't fight for me. After all we've been through, I am not even worth trying for, apparently. And so I am crying and listening to music and wishing that I wasn't me.

I feel like I have the flu right now. Just an icky feeling. It's not physical, though, its the emotional pain of losing someone that meant everything to me, and the cold realization that I did not mean as much to him.

I don't know why I have to go through so much. I don't know why my life is so hard. All I know is that I wish it were different. I wish I had infinite worth and value, so that everyone would want me and no one would dream of breaking up with me.

My mom's brain is wired for pain too. You can see it in her eyes, the heartbreak because she works so hard and no one appreciates her. The sadness that comes from never getting your emotional needs met. The insecurity of wondering if you even deserve to get them met. She works herself into the ground and thinks she has no choice.

I feel cursed. I feel no good. I feel trapped.

I can't believe this is happening.

How could he go from adoring me to being indifferent towards me? Where did I go wrong?

I feel like the world is imploding in on me.

We haven't officially broken up, just talked about it. The fact that he is even thinking about it hurts my heart. Just a few months ago, he accidentally sent a sexually charged text (meant for me) to my mother by mistake. She doesn't have his number, so she didn't know it was him, but he was so scared when that happened. He was afraid I'd be so mad that I would leave him. He was so scared at the prospect of losing me. That was in May, right after I moved away.

What the **** happened to us?!

[Victoria'smom]

You probably didn't go wrong anywhere. Hopefully you can work through this.

[Secretum]

Wow, I overreacted. I talked to my boyfriend tonight, and he told me that after our earlier conversation today, he got really sad at the prospect of a breakup too, so we are on the same page. He just wanted to make sure that I wasn't in denial about his health problems and the fact that he is almost 70 years old and will unfortunately not be able to be with me for my entire life.

So relieved. It's amazing how I can get so emotional about something that it feels like the world is ending.

[Wild Coyote]

I'd left you a note on your thread on a different forum.

It's tough when relationships are challenged and people are long geographical distances apart for prolonged periods. Many fears arise. Love can overcome the fear.


WC