[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

[Warning - I didn't realize when I started this how long it would get - I can't stop on this topic right now...it's making my heart hurt, and I sort of don't understand why I can't let it go now.]

I have sent my daughter to the same summer camp for 4 years running. She LOVES it. She can't wait to go back each year; she has some friends that she only sees there, and she loves playing with them, getting to swim, the counselors, etc.

This was the first week for this summer. She came home kinda quiet and with some smaller complaints the first two days. I made a phone call about one and got it resolved (they hadn't provided any shade for the kids for the first 4 hours of the day - on a sunny, 105 degree day!).

The last 2 days, she came home in tears about how she's being treated by the counselors and the decisions they're making about what she can/can't do. She has been deliberately separated from her friends because they just want to play with each other. I get they want the camp to be inclusive, and I don't want my daughter to be a "mean girl", but I think there's also a place for allowing her to play with the friends that she has. After the 3rd day of camp (the first day with tears), I brought it up to the lead counselor. We had a good discussion, I thought. And my daughter told me the first half of that day was much better. But then another girl wanted to play with my daughter specifically while she was playing with her other friends. Despite my daughter trying to set boundaries kindly (she didn't want to play with her right then), the girl kept pestering her. So my daughter lost her patience and told her she wouldn't play with her at all because she wouldn't stop pestering her. (I'm sure this wasn't said in a kind way.)

I get that her reaction should still have been kind, but when her boundaries are invaded and kindness doesn't get the message across, I understand losing her temper. And she's 10. The counselors jumped all over my daughter; they wouldn't let her explain herself. Rather than figure out both sides of what was going on, the lead counselor told her that she was mean, she hurt the other girl's feelings, and that she could play with her friends, but 'not at MY camp'.

I am livid. That is such incredibly ****** conflict resolution. My daughter apologized to the other girl, was not allowed to explain herself, and was punished after apologizing with denial of the opportunity to socialize with her friends at all at camp.

I hate seeing her upset over not being able to feel heard or understood. I get what they're trying to accomplish (inclusion), but the idea that 40+ kids of ages 5-12 will ALL get along with each other ALL the time is ludicrous. To not have the skill set to peacefully manage conflicts between kids AT A KIDS SUMMER CAMP is unfathomable to me.

This isn't the only issue, either. For example, the kids are split onto teams; if one kid isn't participating in everything or has a bad attitude, their whole team doesn't get to swim later or gets their swim time reduced while the rest of the teams get to go. This is packaged as an 'incentive to participate' but is used to discourage complaints from the kids during the day. My take is, if you can't develop a program that ACTUALLY engages the kids and make them scared to tell you for fear of losing swimming time for themselves AND their whole team, you have no business running a camp for kids.

The big take-away I have is that this camp is now focused on compliance and everyone doing the same thing at the same time without complaint or discussion. And if you fall out of line, you and your peers all get punished together. Sounds like a super fun summer for a kid, huh?

I pulled her from the camp, but I spoke to management today to share my concerns about the way conflicts are handled and some other issues. It was clear during my conversation that the manager is the one who set the program up this way and is more concerned with making sure the kids are engaged in activity than whether that's actually a positive experience for the kids. So clearly, this is not going to work for my daughter. (Incidentally, my son loves it - he's 6 and doesn't have as much independent drive as my daughter - he's happy to go along with what he's told since it's all new to him and seems to be really geared, activity-wise, towards his age group anyway.)

So, I pulled her, said my piece, and should be done with it now, right? WRONG!

My BP has kicked in hardcore on this, and I can't stop perseverating, both on the actual events/discussions and on the emotions. I'm practically shaking with both anger at them and hurt for my girl.

She's never had an adult react to her like this; she's has great mentors at all the schools, camps, classes, etc., she's ever participated in. She has adults ask about her long after she's done with their activities to see if she'd want to come back and do something else, or to invite for specific kinds of activities (small group backpacking trips, other camps, private lessons, etc.). I can't figure out why this counselor has it in for my kid, and why she would ever think it's OK to approach a situation with a child in her care in a way that sends my not-easily-rattled-child home with tears and trying to fake a stomach ache to avoid returning.

Sorry for the novel - I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish in posting this. I don't have many outlets for this IRL at the moment, and I guess I'm partially hoping that if I get it all out here I can move past the perseveration. Or maybe I'm looking for someone who understands what it feels like to advocate for your kid when another adult treats them in a way you don't like. I don't know...I'm just so emotional over it!

[cincidak]

I'm so sorry this is plaguing you. Have you tried meditation. Mindfulness meditation has helped me , maybe it might help. You can look it up online. There are also guided meditations on YouTube. I hope your daughter is okay. I know how hurtful it can be for a child to not be able to explain, or defend themselves. They should be ashamed. People say aromatherapy and white noise can be very calming as well. I listening relaxing music , and meditate. I hope you find peace concerning this.

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[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Thanks, cincidak. Writing it out really did help me a lot; when I get like that, it feels like it all just rolls around in my head until I can give it a full outlet. I think it also helped that we left for vacation the next morning, so since I wrote that I've been more distracted with packing, getting the house ready for the sitter, and lots of traveling. Friday actually ended up working out really well. I'm still a little concerned that I made a mistake by not letting my daughter try to figure out how to deal with an imperfect life situation, but in the end I think her summer will be MUCH better at home. And after getting it out and giving it a little time, I was able to relax about it more.

Sometimes I get just as frustrated trying to figure out why I'm reacting as strongly as I do. This was one of those times...trying to get to the core of what was really my issue here.