Ultra ultra rapid cycling...? Just me being confused, basically.

Ok, so this turned into a longer mess than I'd meant to when I started typing it out.

I've always had this problem, and it seemed to be a lot better or gone during this past year or so of (sorta) stability/doing better, but I feel like now it's unmasking itself again (due to lowering lamictal and/or just general mental worsening). I've always felt like I had so much more going on in my brain outside of just depression/anxiety/that sort of thing, something about the way my brain works. I've just never really known how to explain it all. It's like I've got an overactive mind, but to the extreme. And I don't even mean just conscious racing thoughts. Even if my conscious thoughts seem to be moving slowly sometimes, it's like there's just a lot of "extra" going on in my brain (which I've thought might be why lamictal helps me so much, stopping excessive brain firing or something, but I could just be pulling that out of my ***).
My perception of the world and myself are unstable a lot of the time, when this is going on. I don't know how to explain this, but it's like I've got an unstable sense of reality but not really in an actual psychotic way. It's like I can feel shifts in my brain and the way it sees things/myself constantly. I know I have derealization and depersonalization, but it feels like it's not just that.

Anyway, I guess I'm trying to figure out if some of this weirdness is related to bipolar or what.

I guess what got me thinking is this thing about my moods recently, which tends to happen when all of that ^ is worse.
I'll be going about my day, and my mood will change or something good/bad will happen, and it's like my brain automatically goes to work reframing everything and practically reassessing my whole life, according to how I'm feeling I guess. Let's say, for example, I've been looking for a new job and have been kinda worried about it. I'll get in a bad mood or something bad will happen and suddenly I'll be thinking that it's just not gonna work out, I'm too anxious, I can't do this, etc. Then, sometime later, something good will happen, and my brain jumps into thinking, "see, it's fine. I'm doing well right now, I'm going to get a good job and it'll be great," and picturing things positively. This might not sound too crazy, but it happens constantly throughout the day and is really distracting. And it's not just with the one thing, like getting a job. My brain will do this about every little thing happening in my life, all day. It's like the world's going to end multiple times a day, then things are suddenly ok and things are gonna be ok, then it feels like the world's gonna end again.

I don't know whether I ever saw actual clear mood swings (back when this used to be a bigger problem, or now), just a general instability for sure. But now I've wondered if I experience some sort of extremely fast cycling and that could explain what's going on. And the thing is I don't typically go into hypomanic territory with this, or at least sometimes I know I don't.
I've only really looked for and noticed cycling on a longer scale the past couple of years. This other stuff was a big problem before that, when I wasn't aware of the whole bipolar thing and just knew I was depressed/anxious/unstable/whatever. A lot of this wasn't as bad this past year or so while I was doing somewhat better, coincidentally while on lamictal, and I think lowering the dose is possibly (at least part of) what's starting to bring it back again...

I feel like I need to know what this all is while I'm trying to get off lamictal/mess with my meds in general. You'd think I would know my own brain better, but it feels like all I know right now is A. my mind was a horrid mess before lamictal B. my mind has been a very improved mess on lamictal C. I don't even know why exactly lamictal helps so much. I'm afraid I've been underestimating how much lamictal helps me, and I want to get off of it but don't even know what I need to look for to replace it. I started it (for depression) right around the time I started really suspecting bipolar, and the timing has made things confusing.
I'm sorry this is such a mess. I feel so stupid when I freak out and type out a big mess and then am too tired and unfocused to make it less messy, but I'm desperate. It feels like lowering lamictal is unleashing the mess in my brain and I'm just, AAH.

TL;DR Can anyone who's experienced extremely fast cycling explain what it's like? I feel like that's a kind of vague question, sorry. Can anyone who's experienced it, or anyone, really, answer any of these questions?

-With extremely fast cycling, is it hard to notice the actual "cycles" sometimes? Sort of like it just blurs together or something?

-Does extremely fast cycling ever mess with your view of the world/sense of reality/view of yourself?

-Does anyone ever get ultradian cycling without going into the hypomanic side?

-Does anyone experience extreme sensitivity with people when doing worse? When I'm like this it's even harder to try to keep a stable mood as soon as I'm around people... The past few days I have been extremely sensitive to others' moods and things.


Thanks for any help.

I don't know that my mood/perception of myself & the world nessecarily changes like yours throughout the day anymore but it once did. I feel like I could have written much of this, particularly when you say your entire view of the world & your life would change with how you were feeling right at that moment. So sorry your feeling this way, it's incredibly confusing.

Sounds like what happens to me with my BPD, emotional regulation (a DBT module) has helped me immensely.


My BP is not affected by my environment or people unless the circumstances are extreme (BP = allergic to stress) and or I'm already on the verge of a cycle change or an episode.


My sense of self (or complete lack thereof) and the view of my life is largely affected by my BPD too, although my BP can definitely affect it when deathly depressed or extremely hypo.


Also I only ultradian cycled when I quit my meds cold turkey and even then the cycles were completely untriggered, random as all hell, which actually just makes it worse because there is NOTHING you can do when you wake up suicidal except wait it out and be happy when the hypo kicks in lunch time.


So in essence, yes I do relate to you, but not so much from a BP standpoint, but more from a BPD one, although I am in no means trying to dx you.

I completely agree with Trippin2.0. I mean, she's really nuts so she knows, or just nod in agreement convincingly, or she'll go off. Nod unconvincingly, and you better run for it.

And she's not on meds, which is typical for people like her, so what does she know!?

Did I mention I completely agree?

Seriously: it does sound like a personality thing which can be part of BP or just appear like it, parts of a borderline personality, but a diagnosis would be less "exact" or "categorical" than BP anyway and it's really not just a personality thing. I really agree completely with Trippin2.0 ().

But it also has an "actively destructive" component which makes it dysfunctional. If you don't have that, it could just be similar but not essentially like BPD.

Basically, if you need mania, depression, opposition or assurance to stabilise your self-image, good or bad, you might just be borderline crazy if not crazy (you can be both, like you are from what I read, BP "crazy", at different times).

Reading Icare is like lifting Luois Vanai's bible.
Lots of knowledge, but inmense.
Lost all my energy to reply. Next time. Good luck.

I really admire how in tune you are with how your brain works and your moods, you have a lot of insight!

It sounds like you're on a rollercoaster ride of being affected by (or quite sensitive to?) what's going on around you, in your environment, and this sounds confusing and very difficult, as it would be for anyone

The only other thing I'd say is that precisely since your moods seem to be dictated by your interactions and environment, perhaps you're on less of a mood rollercoaster, than an emotional roller coaster? BP moods tend not to be terribly affected by interactions with others, though it's true that everyone has their triggers (commonly, lack of sleep and lots of stress, but as I say, everyone's different).

Maybe therapy might help to maintain a more stable sense of self and to not be as affected by your environment to the point of being on this roller coaster ride. You could also consult a pdoc, if you don't already have one, regarding diagnosis. Best of luck to you, I hope the professionals can help you clarify some things and help make you feel much better!

Thank you guys.

I don't think it's BPD, since I don't meet all the criteria n stuff.
I am hoping to find a (better) therapist soon, I've just had trouble because of my insurance and limited options. I've considered trying DBT, because though I don't have BPD it sounds helpful, but again, it's so hard to find anything more than just generic talk therapy.

I have an appointment with my (also ******) pdoc tomorrow, and I'm not sure wth I'm gonna ask for.