[LadyShadow]

Hello everyone!

I am kind of feeling empty today. The weekend is coming to a close and I did some writing so now I want to know your opinions.

When you were manic did you ever communicate directly to God and nature? Did you feel a special connection spiritually that you lost now that you are medicated and stable?

I have been feeling numb lately. Not exactly depressed but kind of you know, lost. I feel like there is a hole inside me that used to be filled when I was manic and felt connected to everything.

Do you feel being by being bipolar and medicated that you have lost your connection with spirituality?

[Wild Coyote]

Hi LadyShadow,

I. personally, have not felt that loss of connection. However, many people have described this loss to me, so I know you are not alone.

Does anything help?
Music?
A walk out in nature?
Other?

(((((( HUGS ))))))

wc

[tydygy]

GREAT TOPIC!!

I have felt the presence of spirit (spiritual experience) both in mania and not in mania...on medication and off medication. I can't get that warm fuzzy communion feeling when I'm depressed or apathetic.

I do think some meds block me spiritually though. I know gratitude, love and the like are high vibration frequency states and I want to feel them so I can feel that cool connection...but sometimes no matter how hard I work at it, I just can't get the good stuff connected.

I had spiritual experiences on Saphris, Welbutrin, Zoloft, Stelazine and Xanax or Valium.

Overall, I think meds are more likely to prevent the spiritual experience or at least the frequency and depth of them.

[BipolaRNurse]

I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I have definitely noticed the change in my spiritual connectedness since I've been adequately medicated. I miss it. I used to thrill to sacred music and the liturgy; now it seems I go through the motions. But I think God understands that I need to stay on meds, and He knows my heart.

[Ndscisyv]

This is a question I’ve been considering a lot lately too. I restarted medication last September after too many years off and getting myself in trouble. Through all the cycles over those unmedicated years I generally felt very connected spiritually, fulfilled even. That empty space was entirely filled. Now, though, I feel empty, searching once more. I seriously question if that spiritual connection that I had once was nothing more than a manic delusion.

[BlueInanna]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Are you open to Bach flower essences? Kundalini energy meditation? That sparks me up well.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I'm sorry you're going through this. Are you open to Bach flower essences? Kundalini energy meditation? That sparks me up well.

Great point!

I think I feel the connection because I am often blessed with high kundalini energy.

Thanks for raising this point.


WC

[OctobersBlackRose]

Good topic, my answer is yes and no. First let.me.say I have to be careful with spiritual things as they are a trigger for delusions and all of that. But I do notice with and without meds in mostly depressive states I am apathetic to anything spiritual. I am technically agnostic, but still have my personal spiritual beliefs, I just have to be careful with what I read about spiritual stuff. Sorry, I know this may be a rambling mess, and not make too much sense...

[Amy Today]

I used to be an intuitive consultant and felt very connected to the spirit. My chakras were open and the spirit in me was a beautiful thing. I lost it during the last four years through three bad manic episodes and depressive episodes in between. I don't feel like I can get balanced enough to get back to that point, though I hope to.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

[MusicLover82]

OMG, YES!!! I'm so glad you posted this. When I'm really stable, I don't give a rat's *** about spirituality, most of the time. When I'm manic or depressed or mixed, that's when I care about prayer and spirituality. Otherwise, when I'm stable, I'm happy to be just down-to-earth and grounded in reality, not spiritual stuff. It's so strange. My beliefs don't change, it's just my need to be focused on them that changes.

I have had blissful prayers/ connection to God when hypomanic. I also have a Reiki 2 attunement and I can give Tarot/ Divination card readings. I'm a highly intuitive person at times. Interesting what these meds do to us, isn't it? I personally would rather just be stable all of the time, even if it means I'm not that spiritual.

For me, getting overly spiritual and hyper focused on issues of religion around the world is a clear indication of mania. It starts off good. I think I'm a "chosen" person by our creator. I get special messages and insight. I feel important and special. I'm one with the world and I feel connected to everyone and can help all people and the world. Then it turns ugly and I'm being persecuted and all the insight and messages are torment. I still feel "chosen and special" but I don't want it. I feel forced into a battle of good against evil. Meds have taken a month or longer to take effect and so I often doubt my meds have anything to do with my cycles. Maybe I haven't found the right combo.

I guess I miss the good parts but I do not miss the bad parts.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope you can become connected with your spirituality in a healthy way. (((Hugs)))

[LadyShadow]

Thanks for all the responses! I have had some insight on this. MusicLover82 you are right and you bring up a good point. Is being stable worth losing my connection with spirit? That's often what I question. ElsaMars, I agree, I often feel "chosen" and for me it feels good, but it sends me off on all these ridiculous tangents.

I just wish I could keep the good feelings you know? Feeling beautiful and confident. Not this horrid mess of reality that I am constantly faced with. I don't know for me I just want to be in that fantasy world where I feel "special" because I gotta tell you these days I don't feel special at all.

Just alone and old.

[Wander]

In the past, while manic, I have believed I was sent by God to be a world famous healing evangelist. It was so clear to me; I had a powerful healing gift as well as that of a prophet and the world would soon know. The experience was intoxicating as were many other spiritual experiences I have had. In the end I had a breakdown and was medicated. The experiences slowly went away and I lost my faith in God. Now I am kind of a spiritual atheist of sorts. While I miss the spiritual highs I feel I am on the right path for me. No longer am I harassing people to convert and heal them. My family have breathed a sigh of relief as I am not longer super-spiritual. I am at peace with my spirituality. I am me.

I genuinely wish you peace with your search.

[Amy Today]

I'm so glad to see this topic and to see that I have so much in common with so many of you. Since I was a child I felt like I was chosen for something special by God. I was always intuitive and have had many spiritual experiences that led me to believe this was the truth. In college, I used to give psychic readings to the girls in my dorm. Things took off from there. I had so many people encourage me to develop my intuitive abilities from college professors, instructors, and others.

In my mid 30's I received a Reiki attunement and I felt like it went uphill from there. My spiritual awakening happened so fast. I began channeling and having very accurate psychic readings. Something was working through me that taught me things like how to open chakras and qi gong and yoga. I was taught things I never knew existed and there was no human teacher. It was all within me somewhere or from some spiritual source. And this is the truth. Who wouldn't feel chosen by God when you learn techniques from a spiritual being instead of from books or human teachers?

But what I think happened is because it all happened so fast, that Kundalni fire rose too fast and I ended up with Kundalini syndrome, which looks an awful lot like a manic episode.

I spent a couple of years in that spiritual high, mixed with these manic episodes. But the depression stayed away. During that time, I was very creative and I helped a lot of people mostly through this channeling of what I felt like was an actual spiritual being. I still believe it to this day that is what was really happening.

My marriage was falling apart due to this practice, so I up and quit one day. Just like that. And then it went all downhill from there. Since that time I have not felt connected to the spirit. I have been mostly depressed with intermittent manic episodes about once a year. (But they are bad manic episodes.) Oh, and my marriage fell apart anyway.

What I find interesting here is that so many of us have a similar experience, especially during manic episodes. Scientifically, I want to say it's because of the chemical imbalance in our brains. But spiritually, I want to say it's because we are vibrating at a higher spiritual energy level when we're manic and that is why we are usually more creative and intuitive during those times. That is also why we may feel "chosen". Because in a way, the spirit has shined a light on us during those times, maybe just because we are more capable of reaching those higher energy levels than others.

The problem I think, is that we try to stay there and we aren't meant to. We can't exist in the spiritual realm because we are human and need to stay grounded on earth. But it's so tempting because it feels so good to be closer to the spirit. That's why we lose it during manic episodes and crash coming down.

But I feel like the meds over ground me. Like I'm weighted so much in the earth I can't get any of that light to shine in me anymore. The depression is overwhelming without that light. And my manic episodes have just turned into a constant anxiety.

This does not feel better. I don't talk to my therapist about any of this, because I just get "that look" - inflated ego, delusional, etc... But I feel like it's real.

I know I wrote a long post here. I try not to do that, but I read similar experiences and am curious what people think. Do you think being Bipolar is really more of a spiritual crisis than it is a chemical issue? Or do you think our brains are just wired to make us delusional and think we're living in the spirit during manic episodes when we're really just falling apart?

[LadyShadow]

Those are some tough questions Amy, I will try and answer them the best I can.

Do you think being Bipolar is really more of a spiritual crisis than it is a chemical issue? Or do you think our brains are just wired to make us delusional and think we're living in the spirit during manic episodes when we're really just falling apart?

I think it is an imbalance that leads us to a spiritual crisis. I am not sure if we are wired to be delusional but definitely living in the spirit leads to us falling apart. To me these are questions that have burned in my mind the past 6 months as I am recuperating from my last hospitalization. I was under the impression that "I was the universe" and that I could control the weather. I had a really nice room with a big window and would spend hours just staring out there trying to move clouds. As insane as that sounds it was "my truth"

That's an interesting thing isn't it. "My truth" My truth right now is not only am I not the universe but I am just this fat lump of flesh with no reason for being on this Earth. Isn't that worse though? And this is supposed to be a good thing, me being stable, when I have such a negative outlook on myself?

Ugh. Its not fair, at all.

[Amy Today]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

That's an interesting thing isn't it. "My truth" My truth right now is not only am I not the universe but I am just this fat lump of flesh with no reason for being on this Earth. Isn't that worse though? And this is supposed to be a good thing, me being stable, when I have such a negative outlook on myself?

Ugh. Its not fair, at all.

This is exactly how I feel. It felt so much better when I thought I could heal the world. At least I felt useful then.

[Sad Mermaid]

It sounds to me that you are not exactly stable, but more in the low grade depression. About me: when manic and psychotic, sure, I felt that I created the world when it started off positively and ended up attempting to mutilate myself when I thought that I was in hell . I feel super grateful for the hospital that saved me from long term consequences of the attempt to mutilate myself. So these chosen moments have definitely had their flip side for me.

I am now stable and an atheist, which is my baseline state when I am not manic or psychotic or depressed. But, I am happy and relieved being an atheist. That you are unhappy signals a low grade depression to me.

Stability - true stability - does not come with that feeling of emptiness or caring a hole within you. True stability feels great - just not too good. It feels grounded and firm, and self-assured with the ability to plan ahead.

So I would go back to the psychiatrist and discuss if there might be low grade depression lingering with you.

Good luck and thanks for opening this great thread!

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by Sad Mermaid

It sounds to me that you are not exactly stable, but more in the low grade depression. About me: when manic and psychotic, sure, I felt that I created the world when it started off positively and ended up attempting to mutilate myself when I thought that I was in hell . I feel super grateful for the hospital that saved me from long term consequences of the attempt to mutilate myself. So these chosen moments have definitely had their flip side for me.

I am now stable and an atheist, which is my baseline state when I am not manic or psychotic or depressed. But, I am happy and relieved being an atheist. That you are unhappy signals a low grade depression to me.

Stability - true stability - does not come with that feeling of emptiness or caring a hole within you. True stability feels great - just not too good. It feels grounded and firm, and self-assured with the ability to plan ahead.

So I would go back to the psychiatrist and discuss if there might be low grade depression lingering with you.

Good luck and thanks for opening this great thread!

Thank you for the well thought out response! I think you may be right, I may be lingering around in low grade depression. I mean when I say "stable" I mean getting up out of bed and doing things, like going out to eat, taking a shower every day, cleaning up and well functioning.

But I never really thought about it that way. I mean to me its like I know I am alright, I am very grounded in reality but I have no beliefs and no connection with my higher power anymore. As an atheist, you may not understand what I mean, but you do understand the emptiness.

I think I will discuss it with my psychiatrist and my therapist when I see them next. Thank you for bringing up such a good point!

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

Hello everyone!

I am kind of feeling empty today. The weekend is coming to a close and I did some writing so now I want to know your opinions.

When you were manic did you ever communicate directly to God and nature? Did you feel a special connection spiritually that you lost now that you are medicated and stable?

I have been feeling numb lately. Not exactly depressed but kind of you know, lost. I feel like there is a hole inside me that used to be filled when I was manic and felt connected to everything.

Do you feel being by being bipolar and medicated that you have lost your connection with spirituality?

Absolutely! But, I believed God was actually talking to me and I would obey the things he said. I also once believed that God was allowing me to experience heaven. I have never experienced anything so magical and so peaceful. I don't think any kind of drug could ever make me feel this way.

These kinds of delusions, though I wanted to believe them, were potentially deadly as if "God" had advised me to cause danger to myself or someone else, I would have obeyed.

And, yes, I feel like a majority of my lack of spirituality is stinted by meds. I hate it but it at least (for the most part) makes me aware that my delusions and hallucinations are exactly what they are, delusions and hallucinations.

I try to remember that my spirituality is beyond my feelings and encouters. Personally, I am Christian and I try to remember that it is not based on me; it's based on how well I love others. I hope you are able to fill that void.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Absolutely! But, I believed God was actually talking to me and I would obey the things he said. I also once believed that God was allowing me to experience heaven. I have never experienced anything so magical and so peaceful. I don't think any kind of drug could ever make me feel this way.

These kinds of delusions, though I wanted to believe them, were potentially deadly as if "God" had advised me to cause danger to myself or someone else, I would have obeyed.

And, yes, I feel like a majority of my lack of spirituality is stinted by meds. I hate it but it at least (for the most part) makes me aware that my delusions and hallucinations are exactly what they are, delusions and hallucinations.

I try to remember that my spirituality is beyond my feelings and encouters. Personally, I am Christian and I try to remember that it is not based on me; it's based on how well I love others. I hope you are able to fill that void.

Thank you for posting! I know they were delusions too, but I can't help but want that euphoric feeling back. That I belonged, that I mattered. The void gets blacker every day, and I even contacted my therapist about it, I will have a session with him tomorrow, it may help. But I totally get what you're saying. I was totally out of control when I was in touch with "spirit" or God. I just feel like there is NO voice now. Just emptiness.

[Nammu]

Is it really spirituality if being stable on meds ends the connection? I'd rather have the quiet contentment of stability than the euphoric " connections" I get when hypomanic or manic. My location on here comes from the way I feel when manic. It is intense but is it real? What is reality?

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Is it really spirituality if being stable on meds ends the connection? I'd rather have the quiet contentment of stability than the euphoric " connections" I get when hypomanic or manic. My location on here comes from the way I feel when manic. It is intense but is it real? What is reality?

To be honest I don't know what reality is, but the one I am in SUCKS! And its not the quiet contentment of stability that bothers me is the emptiness I feel in my soul. Its like there is a gigantic hole there from when I used to have my "connection" with spirituality.

I don't know if it makes sense or I am just rambling, but when I am on meds I lose my touch with the world. Its definitely spirituality I lost touch with, well it is in my head. It may be different for others, I don't know, but it upsets me that's all.