[aussiekiwiguy]

I am a New Zealander who moved to Australia in 2010 and everything was going extremely well for me until I moved from Melbourne to Norfolk Island in June 2013 at age 24.

I started to get paranoid, emotional, impulsive, irrational.

A "friend" of mine in mainland Australia took advantage of my paranoia and convinced me that he was working for the federal government and I needed to fly back to Melbourne, for "government protection." So I left all of my stuff on the island except 2 bags with my laptops.

Shortly after I arrived in Melbourne my "friend" ditched me and thats when I began to unravel.

I started to talk very fast. I quickly lost touch with reality.

The first time I became very paranoid that I can recall is when I thought my roommate in the hotel i was staying in was an assassin sent to kill me, hired by someone from the "dark web".

Then, I thought everyone I had ever met knew exactly what I was thinking in real time.

Over the next few days I would cycle in and out of different delusions. One hour I thought I was on my way to Hogwarts. The next hour I thought I was in a final fantasy game. And so on, there were dozens of different ones that I can't all remember.

A few days later I worsened and I lost my bag which included my phone, laptop, passport and wallet... so i couldn't pay for a room, food, leave the country, or call anyone (in any case I think I had run out of money by this point). I was wandering the streets for 10-16 days, suffering from hallucinations, delusions, maybe imagining physical people who weren't there.

Got on a train 3 hours out of the city to a place called Aubrey for some reason, and was wandering around the dimly lit streets at night thinking the characters in the vampire diaries were at a house nearby hosting a party for me. I could hear the celebration in my head. But there was no party and when I figured this out I was very upset. In the morning I begged the train attendant to give me a ticket so I could travel to Queensland. For what reason I do not know, I have never been to that state. I did not get a train as I had no money.

I ended up on a highway at one point. I must have walked a lot of distance because all I did was walk around, and for some reason most of my memories are at night time only. I got into someone's car at one point and he drove me to a police station where I asked if I could sleep there and they told me to leave. My grandmother in NZ rang them because she had no idea where I was and they told her that they recalled me and that I seemed "retarded".

I had no plan or purpose. I completely lost the ability to reason, think, and take care of myself.

Possible trigger:

I could have jumped off the top floor of a building I was standing on, but decided against it.

I was vulnerable and not contactable. My family in New Zealand did not hear from me for a month and my grandmother was climbing the walls worrying about my safety, ringing hotels, hospitals and police stations across Melbourne and Norfolk Island. Weirdly, no one thought it might be a good idea to actually file a missing persons report.

I would simply walk from place to place out of my mind for another two weeks or so, but I can't be sure how long it really was. I mean at one point I thought I was a character in a video game being controlled by someone else remotely.

I kicked off my shoes and socks in the middle of the road because I believed the devil was controlling me through them. Some more cops found me a few days later and put me into a 4x4 sealed room for hours and I literally was under the impression that I would be killed.

They let me go after a while and sometime later I jumped onto a metal skip floating in the Yarra river that collects rubbish. I tried to untie it and sail off into the sea.

Someone called the police and they arrived and convinced me to get off. There was a large crowd of people watching me, so it would be interesting to see if any of them are reading this and remember me that day. It was then that finally the coppers actually took me to the psych ward at the Alfred hospital. I was an involuntary patient but was allowed a few hours outside every day to explore the city after I recovered. I was also able to go to a gym for free and they fed me nice meals for 6 weeks. I met some really cool people in there who im still friends with! But I was put on so many antipsychotics I have no memory of my first week there.

I was highly confused that whole time, I had no sense of time, hunger, shelter etc. I just would sleep under churches. Sometimes I would get terrified and run away from people who I thought wanted to harm me, one example I vividly remember being when a man simply walked past me at night while I was trying to make a call on a pay phone. Luckily I don't have a violent nature at all, so even though my psychotic mind was controlling me I never lashed out any innocent people.

I was living in Australia as a Special Category Visa holder with no support from family or eligibility through centrelink for social housing, sickness allowance or even the special benefit. New Zealanders are excluded from this payment because of the 2001 law changes that restricted eligibility to most welfare payments for life, and, citizenship.

I'm glad the police helped me in the end, but I dealt with at least three officers in those weeks who, as far as I can remember, did nothing to help me. At one point they put me into the boot of a police car and drove me to a hospital that did not treat me and let me walk out the next day. I called for ambulances 4 times via payphones and was taken to hospitals each time but not treated because I was a New Zealand citizen without my Medicare card and they couldn't figure out what to do with me and just released again and again and again. I was billed $3500 for the pleasure of these ambulance rides afterwards (after sending an explanation to Ambulance victoria) and it took me two years to pay it off. When I finally got treatment in a psychiatric unit I had to stay there for 6 weeks because I was ineligible for any government support and they refused to release me back into the community. I was finally allowed to return to New Zealand when my grandmother flew over and collected me. And there I have been ever since, slowly recovering.

[Bolivar83]

... a "virtual hug" seems inadequate... happy to read that you are recovering with family. You've certainly been through the wringer, and I hope there are resources in place for you... Glad you are here; hope you will find the support you need, and can find some beneficial resources at PC.

Take care

[Unrigged64072835]

What a story. I do hope you recover fully and regain your life.

[jacky8807]

I went through a pretty dark psychotic break and I know the recovery is tough. But you will recover!
Do u find it hard to wrote that down? The first time I wrote my whole experience down in a notebook I had a panic attack but then felt much better later
Wishing you well!

[Wild Coyote]

Thanks for sharing your story so candidly.

It really helps people to understand more when we share more.

I, too, am glad you are with family and are recovering!

Welcome to PC!


WC

[OctobersBlackRose]

Thank you for writing your story, glad you're starting to recover, and I hope you make a good recovery. And hope.you have the support you need as well. Sending you hugs.

[LadyShadow]

Wow what a story! Someone was shining down on you for getting through all of that alive. I am so grateful that you are home and recovering. Welcome to PC and I hope to see you around the forums! ((Sending you big hugs))

Your story is so very sad, touching and scary. I'm so glad to know that things have turned around and are looking up. I've experienced some pretty bad delusions and paranoia but never to such a degree. Your story has made me seriously consider getting a medical ID bracelet. It's sad that you were in a position to received help from law enforcement and hospitals yet they failed to see the danger you were in. Going so far as to label you retarded, and not go the extra step to ensure you safety in such a vulnerable state. My heart goes out to you for what you experienced. (((Hugs)))

[lacerta]

I'm so happy you have such caring grandma! She is precious! Keep safe!

[Takeshi]

Hey what's up? How u doing today?

That's just such a tragic story, I feel a bit of anger after reading your story. You weren't like wandering around in wilderness, anyone who had contact with during those psychosis could have thought more and realized that you needed serious help, a ticket home could've been a lot cheaper, right? I'm glad that you're alive here today and sharing this story, this'll be something I'd remember for a long time. You could've been a victim of an accident or a crime from what I've read, this definitely was a story worth sharing. Keep on recovering!