I have a friend that I don't think I want to be friends with anymore...but I wonder whether I'm being unfair.

Here is the situation in a nutshell: we met in school 5 years ago. Have always had a tumultuous friendship, in part due to my mood issues and her own mental health issues (unclear what they are exactly - sometimes she says OCD but I think she has a personality disorder). In the past we went an entire year without talking after a big fight. We had another big fight in October and I haven't spoken to her since. I just received a second email from her apologizing and wishing to make amends, but I just don't know. I'm an incredibly forgiving person and I do not hold grudges, but I worry that she may actually be a bad person. She plays the victim constantly and always thinks everyone is against her. Then she'll get totally obsessed with how she has been 'wronged' and lash out in ways that are totally inappropriate (for example, posting private personal emails on facebook). It seems she turns on people with the flip of a switch - very jekyll and hyde. On top of that, she can be kind of nasty to people who aren't on 'her side' (like making fun of how much weight someone has gained if she thinks they treated her badly).

I feel conflicted because on the one hand she is not the type of person I want as a friend (even if she is nice enough to me) - and I don't think I could ever really trust her again. However, I wonder if her behavior is due to some kind of illness or disorder, in which case it seems unfair for me to abandon her. I mean, we did use to be extremely close...

[tanto]

I have had to drop a few long term friends for the ways they act. You can only go so far before it becomes THEIR responsibility to change THEIR actions. A mental illness can only go so far as to excusing bad behaviour. It's up to you to decide if the benefits of the relationship outweighs the stress and anxiety it causes you. Perhaps it would be healthier to focus on the relationships that give your life consistent positive reinforcement than to play caregiver to someone, but that's up to you.

[Skeezyks]

Well... the Skeezyks probably isn't the best person to be replying to this since I don't have any friends at all, by choice. But it seems to me that one has to take care of oneself first. You don't know what is going on with this person, really. And it's not your responsibility to figure it out... much less to save her from herself. So, from my perspective, if this is not a friendship you want to maintain, & it's not contributing to your personal wellbeing, then cut the cord, as they say...

[Unrigged64072835]

Considering that she flips on people quickly I would be hesitant to meet up with her again. She may very well have a personality disorder but if she acts the victim she is not going to get help. At some point you need to decide if the friendship is worth walking on eggshells with her.

[xRavenx]

I understand it must be difficult to deal with the conflicting emotions with this friend. It's especially hard when you have a history with the person, making it hard to cut ties completely. It plays with your emotions. I've been there. However, not every friendship is meant to last, and some friends grow apart, and that's okay.

A few things you pointed out: You aren't sure that you can trust her, she can be mean, she plays "victim" a lot. Ultimately, it is not your responsibility to help her with these types of issues. She needs to seek professional help and work on herself. It sounds like this friend is bringing a lot of negativity into your life, and friendships should go both ways. Maybe taking a break from the friendship is needed at this time? It's something to consider.

[Wild Coyote]

I've been in similar positions. It's a tough call.

Most of us move forward in life with regard for others, even during times of conflict. As you describe things, this friend takes it all too far in lashing out, etc. Kind of sounds like a PD. She'll never see the importance of looking at her own "stuff" if there aren't clear consequences for her behaviors.

If you don't resonate with her, why pursue a close friendship?
Just be kind as your paths cross?

It's very challenging, often quite stressful and full of conflict, to be close friends with someone when their core values differ from our own. I'm concerned this might be a "high conflict" relationship, stressful for you?

It's great to show compassion! Remember self-compassion!


WC

[99fairies]

I had a friend that tried ruining my marriage. I leaft my husband twice because of her influence on me. I cut off all ties with her and have had an amazing marriage ever since. This was 4 years ago.