[nicole_hello]

I’m 35, have Bipolar II and was misdiagnosed with depression for 18 years until 2 years ago. I’m now medicated and in a new city, and very stable.

There were just a few work situations where I was inappropriate with coworkers in my life, but I have been an excellent at my job, building a private practice in a new city with a wait list half of the year. Now that I am on the right meds, I am MORTIFIED by the way I acted before my diagnosis, especially on Facebook. I deleted all social media accounts two years ago due to this. However, on Facebook from 2010-2014, I was terrible. I complained on my newsfeed of people that others knew (never naming names, but it was obvious). I was negative and whined constantly about my life and how others were "treating" me. It was completely inappropriate and immature.

I’ve decided to move home to a better housing market and my much-missed maternal family. However, the decision to move back to my hometown has caused immense anxiety about my past behavior. A few of my former work colleagues and a lot of my high school friends were on my newsfeed. The majority of people I knew stopped talking to me. I can't stop thinking about what others must think of me!

Although I find self employment extremely stressful and would rather find a job in an organization, I'm terrified that I will end up working with someone I have been cruel to or that had observed/heard of how I acted. So I feel forced into starting my own business as a sole practitioner.

How do I deal with this anxiety and what job I choose? Or has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you get through it?

[vjdragonfly]

Hi nicole, sorry to hear the stressful situation you are under. Unfortunately we cannot change anything we have done in our past, just remember it was your illness making you act this way. First of all, you have to forgive yourself and try not to hang onto those experiences. I know it is embarrassing to be around people that know of this but you are stable now. I wouldn't let that keep me from getting a job in an organization. People will see that you have changed and if you are comfortable about talking about you diagnosis you can explain if someone says anything. Again forgiving yourself is the biggest step and you might find others to be more forgiving of you. I wish you the best of luck as you travel this new path.

[Skeezyks]

Hello nicole_hello: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Well... the Skeezyks has left a long trail behind him of people he was not nice to. (Some of them deserved it... some did not.) Anyway, in my case, I never went back anywhere where I might encounter any of them. And, nowadays, I lead a pretty-much thoroughly solitary lifestyle. So it's unlikely I will ever encounter any of them.

As I'm sure you're aware, starting up your own business comes with its own set of anxieties. So to some extent whether you look for a job with an organization, or start your own practice doing whatever it is you do, it becomes a matter of choosing which set of stressors you prefer to deal with. In reality, it may be that you are more sensitive about things you did in the past than are the people you did things to.

Personally, I would think that for you to start your own business as a sole practitioner in order to avoid encountering someone you think you may have been mean to at some point in the past is not a good way to start out in self-employment. But then, you know more about your situation than I do obviously.

If possible, perhaps you might consider checking out the possibilities as far as working for an organization goes first. And if that appears not to be feasible, then consider self-employment again. As far as how to handle your anxiety goes... well... if you can't get past it on your own, then the "mainstream" answer is, of course, therapy... someone you can talk how you feel about all of this through with over a period of time. But, then, perhaps you are a counselor or therapist yourself?

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Unrigged64072835]

You are not your illness. Even if you made bad choices, you're still a good person at heart. Otherwise you wouldn't feel ashamed.

You can't change how other people feel, so it's fruitless to worry about it. It just causes more anxiety than you need at the moment. Be compassionate with yourself and give yourself some credit for working on getting better.

Only you can decide what you want to do job-wise. Choose what would make you happiest and go for it.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Hey there... We share the same name. I think it's normal for many of us to think about our past BP behaviors and be mortified. I could write a book about my moments and work is a bad one too. I can't even work now because I'm not stable but my last job, when I got fired I flipped the whole office off before storming out. I still delete fb posts too. Whenever I sign on to fb now and they show what you posted years before, I get pissed. A lot of photos of me drinking like an idiot, posts of me sharing way too much info etc. I don't know a way to fix these thoughts but I want you to know that you're not alone in this!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Nammu]

I'm going back to my home town in my home state to care for my mum and fear running into folks I knew from back then too. It's been 40 yrs I'm hope ing most of them have mellowed and forgotten. No great wisdom here but just letting you know your not alone.

Alway... to PC bipolar forum

[tanto]

I've learned that most people get over things pretty quickly. I'd say just keep going as you are, but remain conscious to not repeat bad behaviour. If you ever run into someone that was a victim of your behaviour, it is a great thing to apologize with the sincerity you obviously have. You really can't do much more than that. Hiding from them, in my experience, causes far more stress and anxiety than a short confrontation and an apology ever will.

Honestly, I've seen way worse from people on social media - regularly (not to mention from our very own republican presidential candidate...). I empathize with the stress it's causing you, but if I were you I'd just try to let it go and move on - you didn't try to hurt anyone (and if you feel you did, you could always just apologize - that can go a long way).

I once texted my professor very inappropriately when I was hypomanic, which was not only embarrassing but potentially damaging to his career. Lucky for me, neither one of us ever mentioned it again and just pretended it didn't happen. Usually people are more than willing to 'forget' for the sake of social ease

[Wild Coyote]

Hi nicole!

Insightful advice from our friends here!

Welcome to PC!


WC