[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

My husband is home right now - he came home a week ago after a month gone, and it sounds like he'll leave again Wednesday. We always have a weird adjustment period right before he leaves and right after he comes home. We're just sort of getting to the end of that from his last trip, and he's headed out again in less than 48 hours.

He has a tendency when we're a little off during this timeframe to 'poke the bear' - we always have some sort of minor blowup that then leads to an hours-long discussion about how much he hates having to be gone, appreciates what I do when he isn't home, ponders every potential future work scenario after he's eligible (but not mandatory) for retirement, talks through why we're having tension (the travel adjustment period), etc. With the exception of whatever the topic of the specific trigger is, it's the SAME CONVERSATION EVERY TIME. And I usually cry at various points throughout just because I'm so overdone by the stress of it all, even though it's not argumentative after the initial blowup part (and even that isn't really explosive or anything).

I don't know how to get out of this cycle. Or whether maybe it's just something that's necessary in order to relieve all the stress and get back to normal. But right now I have a meeting, and I'm wiped out. I wish this wasn't so hard...

Thanks for listening/reading...

[MobiusPsyche]

I don't have any suggestions but wanted to let you know I've heard you and it sounds like a frustrating situation all around.

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time with your husband.

[Wild Coyote]

That does sound exhausting!

It seems he needs to go through this process repeatedly, if I understand correctly.

Maybe he feels closer emotionally after all of the talking?

Does the talking help you?



WC

[cincidak]

Hugs!!!!!

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

That does sound exhausting!

It seems he needs to go through this process repeatedly, if I understand correctly.

Maybe he feels closer emotionally after all of the talking?

Does the talking help you?



WC

Yes, WC - that's exactly it. He is the kind of person who ruminates out loud about everything. This is the not the only conversation we have on repeat. Everything that he's thinking about it done out loud, and he processes by thinking the same things over and over again. It's exhausting in lots of scenarios, but with this particular conversation it's emotionally taxing, as well as mentally. I've spent the rest of the day so far just emotionally and mentally spent - my brain is foggy, and I just want to hide out the rest of the night. I'm already in bed, even though I need to go back out and make dinner eventually.

I'm avoiding telling him I'm spent and that the interaction we had is the cause, because I don't want him feeling bad and then needing to go through even more things out loud with me. I just can't process any more with him right now. It's all the harder, because he's really doing it from a place of love and concern - he wants to make sure I know how appreciated I am. He wants to acknowledge that we're off kilter together because he's been gone, and he knows the toll his schedule takes on us. It's hard to fault him for wanting to have the conversation - I just don't know how to get through it without being completely emotionally drained.

[BipolaRNurse]

Is there any way he can alter his schedule so he can be home more than he's away? No wonder things are so tense between you. I'd be upset too if I got to see my husband for only a few days out of a month.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

Is there any way he can alter his schedule so he can be home more than he's away? No wonder things are so tense between you. I'd be upset too if I got to see my husband for only a few days out of a month.

It's not possible with the job he has. He's in emergency services and works in a national position. All said and done, he's now in a position that's home FAR more frequently than he has been in the past. This was a particularly challenging month, as he was finishing up some critical training for his job, and it was scheduled according to someone else's priorities and preferences, not ours. It's been years in the making, so he needed to be available to it once it was possible.

A typical season will see him gone for maybe a couple of overnights, and up to two weeks at a time (but infrequently) over the 5-month busy season. Off season, he's gone for a week here and there for annual training.

He has offered to look for a different job, but he's only 3 years out from securing his retirement (he's been in for 17 years in a permanent position). At a minimum, it makes the most sense for us to stick it out to that point.

I just need to suck it up, I guess. It's disruptive to me/us, but it probably teaches our kids something about flexibility and cherishing the time we have together when we have it.

[fairydustgirl]

I was a military wife for 24 years and it is recognized that there is an adjustment period before and after each separation, doesn't seem to matter how long the separation is going to be. Beforehand, tensions seem to rise and minor arguments occur...and I think that is a component of detaching before the separation...and when they come back, it's a readjustment period for everyone...esp if it has been a lengthy one. the spouse back home has made routines, taken care of business that might have been the responsibility of the absent spouse...when the spouse comes home again, those routines are upset, responsibilities given back...a lot of adjustment for everyone, including kids. Goodness knows I remember how hard that was and couldn't wait for retirement...unfortunately for us, retirement didn't end up being what we thought it would be.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

This is a great description, fairydustgirl. I've had to do it all while he's been gone, and now that he's home we're stuck between me getting frustrated when the routines that have been established are upset, and me being frustrated when he isn't helping like I want him to.

For example, today he asked what would be most helpful for me for him to do - he had a day off. He offered to do the shopping. I hadn't planned for that, so I wasn't really sure what to put on the list. I told him that the most helpful thing would be for him to do the laundry, including the sheets/blankets from our potty-training-son's bed, and putting the bed back together. When he was setting out to go shopping anyway (even though that wasn't what would have been most helpful), I realized he hadn't started the laundry, which was going to take 2 loads. So I started it as he was leaving. Then I swapped the load to the dryer and started the 2nd load of wash. He did swap that one over later today to dry.

Tonight, I mentioned more than once that the bed needed to be remade. I emptied the laundry from the dryer into a basket outside of our son's door. I came to bed after dinner while my husband and our daughter were in a deep, cool conversation with each other. My son and I snuggled in with a book to try to help him identify and manage his emotions better. When it was about 10 minutes before his bedtime, I sent him to my husband to ask him to make the bed up. It didn't happen. So 5 minutes before bed, I crawled up into the loft bed and put the sheets and blankets back together. Which I have done about 20-25 times since my husband left last month. And I just wanted one night's break from it.

I put our son to bed and listened to my husband and daughter continuing their discussion, oblivious to all other things happening around them. I am actually thrilled that they had the opportunity to have such a great connection with each other tonight. But I'm also extremely jealous, because I don't have those long moments with either of my kids...I'm too busy getting all the stuff done that has to happen. So, watching the clock, I finally go out when it's her bedtime and send her to bed - because neither of them had any idea it was time. I asked if she had locked up the chickens (the only thing I requested of her before I went to my room), and that hadn't happened, either. So I went to close them in and came back and got the cat food/water. Because I remember the things that have to happen. And, somehow, I'm the only one who has any of that in mind when my husband is home. From bedtimes, to laundry, to caring for the animals, to making sure kids bathe and practice piano...I'm the only one of the four of us who keeps track of any of that. My kids are more helpful when he's away and not distracting them from what I've asked them to do. Which doesn't exactly make me feel loving and nurturing, by the way.

Ugh - I don't know what to do with this mess of feelings. I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad, and I want to feel happy for them all when he's home and that's happening. But I also want some damn balance in the workload and awareness on his part of what HAS to happen every day and for him not to make that process harder. It's unfathomable to me how having an extra adult in the house who is responsible for our family, too, makes it feel even harder for me to get everything done.