HAVING A BI-POLAR DAY...............

Hello everyone!

I am wondering if I can get some feedback from someone who understands what this title means? I call my bad days by the name "Bi-polar" day. It usually means
I'm having a bad time, or upset, or have been triggered.
Yesterday I sat with my 3 grandkids for most of the day while my daughter went shopping for school clothes. My eldest gr.child is Autistic, and requires attention 24/7. While
I understand SOME things about his dilemma I am fighting
my own as well. I do NOT do well with kids in general, although I like them. Kids, I mean. I am going thru some rough edges now that haven't quite gotten smoothed over.
Anyway, he gets intense and I go berserk....it triggers something in me and I get very angry. I keep having to remind myself that he's different from my own kids....not to
be too hard on him. THAT'S MY PROBLEM. I can't stop the
monster inside me!!! I'm so tired of dealing with it. I would sooner kill myself as hurt one of my grand children in a bi-p
episode!!! My quality of life is over, but his hasn't begun yet.
I feel sooooo depressed now and angry with myself. I have been crying for 24 hrs. and I can't forgive me for tossing that chair across the room narily missing him!!! I told my husband I can't be allowed to be alone with him babysitting anymore. At least, not ALL day things. I can't control my own actions at times, and babysitting is not my forte. Motherhood wasn't my forte, either. I was so MEAN when I was young..........and I don't even care anymore. This
is never going to be any better...........the MONSTER needs to DIE!!!!!!!!! Plz. can somebody help me????????????
Just tell me I'm not alone in my actions???? Am I the only one who has a violent streak down her back????

Drummergrl,
While I don't have outbursts often...I do get so angry sometimes that I can feel the anger pulsing through my viens.... I have my own monster (bipolar) and you have yours...they are quite the same however, everyone experiences a different version of bipolar.
Is there any way you could talk with your therapist about your anger and see if you can find the coping tools so you will not hurt anyone.
BTW...just because you were young doesn't make you a bad mother....you love your children and grandchildren and I am certain they also have the same feelings for you.

I really hope your day turns around really soon. I know how hard it is togo through those days....But be strong...it is bound to turn around.
Sorry bout the

Hey Mydarlin!!
Thank you for the courage of your wisdom, but I am afraid I'm my own worst critic here. I never gave myself a passing grade on parenting. I don't know what I hated about it the most, knowing I'd be suck *** poor at it, or knowing I shouldn't have done it in the first place and told those who wanted the baby to go to hell!!! I guess we'll never know. To me it's like being trapped in a box or cornered.......I hate that. If I'm to be locked up, let it be in prison. For me, it's the same. Only in prison you hopefully
get paroled. In parenting it goes on forever. I can't explain the bitterness I've kept so secret for so long thinking God would strike me dead if I admitted the truth!!! It would be the first time I've ever said it aloud.
If baby-boomers could go back and know what they know now, how many would actually come forward????? And be
HONEST!!!! I suspect not too many.

For what ever reason...I seem to be more stable around my kids...

Having an issue that the can trigger is tough...telling your husband was a big step...

The only thing that comes to mind was the discover of a video called "1-2-3 Magic"...Discovered when my first was just turning 2 (9 years ago). Part of the video talks about removing emotion or "little adulting a child"...if this doesn't make sense I can probably give more details if this is something you are interested in.

I really don't know if it was that concept that keeps me so ground around the children or not...I used to have extreme emotional intensity with my former wife...only on rare occasions does it happen with the children...

You seem to have a strong marraige...if you were able to go to your husband to discuss this...

I guess I'm starting to babble...sorry that a BP day got the best of you...

I feel your pain...the remorse we feel after losing control of ourselves can be worse than the episode itself. Please don't beat yourself up any more. You're human, and not just any human, a special bipolar one!

Hugs, and hoping you have only good days to come...