PLEASE explain.......

Part of MI is rejecting the help that is offered. This is fairly normal and a challenge for most clinicians. Keep in mind that most of us (myself included) went through a time when we believed that who we were was "normal". I spent about 30 years thinking that my asshole ways were simply a product of my personality and that was just who I was. I was driven, energetic, standoffish, and "superior" to most. That's what I believed. Then, my family rallied around me and urged me to get some help. Sometimes, those around us are the best observers of who we are. I was in denial for many years. Then, it was explained to me what was wrong - based on a professional opinion - and I went with it. I had to be honest with myself.

I can't debate the nature of angels or spirits - I'm not a doctor, I only play one on TV. But relative to your concern about medication being poison, I can only attest to where I'm at right now. I take lithium - I don't particularly like it but it doesn't physically bother me. And those around me tell me there's a noticeable change in my behavior even though I don't always see it. Life gets in the way and we don't always recognize the need for improvement, or the improvement itself. It certainly is your right to be on or off some medication, but look for something that helps you improve and try not to fight it all the way home. When we dig our heels in, it negates our resolve to get well.

From reading your posts, it sounds like you're more concerned with the medication than the actual reason for the medication. Consider a wider, holistic approach that builds you up. At age 50, I took up mountain climbing. My family thinks I'm "crazy" - literally. I go off by myself and pick some tough climbs in my area - 4000 and 5000 feet. I'm climbing a 5500 foot mountain in a few weeks......and its winter up there! Why do I do it? It's what I need to do. It gives me a challenge, something to plan, something to feel good about. If you can find something that gives you a serious purpose and channels your mind, maybe the meds can take a back seat in your treatment plan.

OK, that's it for now. Rock on, Sister Eden.

I think I need to get back into horse riding that used to really help me.

I really think you should just try an AP.

I had no idea I was delusional until I went on one. I remember when I went on geodon. After only a week of being on it it felt like my entire version of reality was just shattering. It was really disconcerting.

Anyway, so I'm not saying that you are delusional, just that you should try an AP and see what happens. You'll probably be surprised.

i was on abilify for over a month.

A week was just my experience. And that was with geodon. Haldol took a matter of days. I think APs just work really fast for me.

For you it probably just takes longer.

Were you taking it everyday? You really have to take it everyday in order for it to work.

i took it everyday for 5 weeks then i started not taking it sometimes and now i havent taken it for like 2 ish weeks.

IMHO it seems you need to give another AP a try, maybe with a mood stabilizer in the mix as well. I'm really surprised your doctors only put you on Abilify and expected it would take care of your symptoms.

I'm surprised (also) by the only prescribing Abilify, the referral to DBT along with that, and more recent talk of antidepressants. This is, in part, why I think your providers are seeing things we don't; most people here wouldn't 'recommend' these choices, but these are what your providers, who know you a lot better than we do (you spent a long time in the hospital), have prescribed.

When does DBT start?

I agree. DBT and an anti psychotic. Take the pills and don't quit. Go to class, do your homework and don't quit! (It's a difficult class but its important! I went through it twice.)

look i have no clue what any of the doctors where doing but DBT wont be able to start until next year now which is really annoying cause i dont know if i can hold out that long but we will see i guess.

Respectfully disagree, I have seen ghosts. People who were with me at the time saw the same aberration too.