[Wander]

I know this sounds weird but I just talked to my pdoc and he agrees that the way my mind is switching from euphoric mania to badly mixed with SI is related to the severe trauma I have experienced. This is not always the case with my BP but on this occasion it seems plausible.

This episode started with a trauma trigger. I became homicidal and suicidal and mixed within hours. Since then i have been switching from that dark mixed state (will all the usual symptoms plus trauma issues) to euphoric mania. When euphoric I simply don't care about the trauma, nothing bothers me as I am invincible. I feel powerful. When mixed and SI I feel powerless and come up with grand plots and plans to get my power back. It is so much more complex than this but that is the general gist.

I seem to become purely euphorically manic to protect myself from the dark mixed mania that has me on the verge of acting on my plans. It may be some weird form of dissociation I use to disconnect from the horror and hopelessness and switch to manic.

Does this make any sense to anyone? In a weird way I feel like the euphoric mania is healing and protecting me. I am also worried about the darkness returning as I already have a plan worked out. While happy, like I am now, there is no way I would harm myself or anyone else. I am positive, optimistic and love life.

My doctor said I was less manic today than Friday so I may be making progress but last night I was in the dark. I don't want to ever go back there. Again, I wanted to discharge but he said not until I am stable. that could be a while with me swinging so much. this is the weirdest mix of my PTSD and Bipolar i have ever experienced. they do seem to be working together; on one hand to heal and protect and on the other to destroy me. My mood now is really good so I am ok for now.

Sorry about the long post. Thanks for reading.

[Wanderlust90]

Sounds pretty plausible to me, I never thought of mania as a form of dissociation, but I can see instances in my own experience that mirror this idea, like my mind is trying to dissociate from the bad feelings & in a last ditch attempt to save me pushes me the other way, this only really happened to me under the influence of drugs & alcohol (well the main instances I'm thinking of anyway), so that's kinda clouds things, maybe I was just drunk or high but usually that just intensifies my feelings rather than helping me forget them.

Stay safe

[DelusionsDaily]

I'm really glad you are getting the help IP. I hope they get it worked out quickly but are sure you (and others) are safe before discharge.

My mania seems to follow a connected path with my mania. I often feel if my mania is euphoric, it's a sign that my constantly beaten down ego has found a way to break through without my permission or knowledge.

I hope you continue to improve. (((Hugs)))

[Wander]

thanks everyone. I seem to be coming down from the heights of mania. last night I couldn't sleep again so I took 10mg of Olanzapine. I got 6 hours sleep. Feel foggy this morning but know that will pass. I am also very irritable. The auto-correct speller on here ad my shaking hands are driving me wild. Why doesn't the computer just know what I want to say? Is that too much to ask?

my mood is neither euphoric or depressed but i am agitated. Trying to block out the trauma as I am not ready to face it. Panicked a bit too. Still, I am in a decent mood.

My question is this; how to I amalgamate the two states together (Euphoric mania and Depression) without going mad? I just don't feel able to cope with the darkness right now. It makes me unsafe very quickly. Yet, to be discharged I need to come back down to base line. I just don'r know how to make that happen or if it happens how to stop at baseline and not get out of control mixed again. AGGGGHHH!! So frustrating. I just want togo home and play.

Originally Posted by Wander

thanks everyone. I seem to be coming down from the heights of mania. last night I couldn't sleep again so I took 10mg of Olanzapine. I got 6 hours sleep. Feel foggy this morning but know that will pass. I am also very irritable. The auto-correct speller on here ad my shaking hands are driving me wild. Why doesn't the computer just know what I want to say? Is that too much to ask?

my mood is neither euphoric or depressed but i am agitated. Trying to block out the trauma as I am not ready to face it. Panicked a bit too. Still, I am in a decent mood.

My question is this; how to I amalgamate the two states together (Euphoric mania and Depression) without going mad? I just don't feel able to cope with the darkness right now. It makes me unsafe very quickly. Yet, to be discharged I need to come back down to base line. I just don'r know how to make that happen or if it happens how to stop at baseline and not get out of control mixed again. AGGGGHHH!! So frustrating. I just want togo home and play.

Im having a hell of a time typing on here. I misspell and get everything wrong and sound like an idiot but oh well, open mouth insert foot I guess.....I never learn. And I agree, it's too bad it's not more intuitive than it is but mind reading computers freak me out.