[newtobipolar]

My kids are 10 and 17. Bessides feeling guilt that I could have been a better mom to them if I was diagnosed sooner, it is killing me that my youngest is already 10 and I didn't cherish all these years with him. I do now, but I lost so much, and so did he. My kids will be on their own in a matter of a few years.

It scares me to death! I love them so much, and I cannot stop thinking about the fact that at some point they will leave me. So much time was wasted with me not being well.

My main questioin that I need help with is..how the hell do I get this thought out of my head? I realize that all moms prob feel this, but my miind is absolitely obsessed with this thought. I cannot stop it. It's been a few days.

How do i make the thought stop?

Help me please

[BipolaRNurse]

I wish I had some advice, but I don't...all I can give you is my empathy. I wasn't diagnosed till after all of my kids were grown and gone, and I have a lifetime of regrets that I didn't know about it so I could have amended my behaviors, which interfered with my ability to be a good mother. However, I can tell you that kids are resilient and they will forgive you for whatever shortcomings you may have had. Mine did. Just be grateful that there's still time to fix whatever needs fixing.

[newtobipolar]

Thanks so much. I feel like my little guy got a good mom while my oldest didn't get the best me. He is turning out to be a great kid, and we have talked about this, and Ive apologized. He understands but it still hurts. I don't think the guilt will ever go away

[BipolaRNurse]

Probably not, at least not until both your kids have had time to assess their experiences and come to an understanding. It may take awhile. Mine are all in their mid-to-late 20s and early-to-mid 30s...they've had time to process their childhoods and understand what was wrong. I was never an abusive mom---I have always loved them better than life!---but I was a screamer and they have seen me verbally out of control more times than I can count. I was also known to throw things across the room and slam TV dinners up against walls. Not good images for a mother to demonstrate to her children.

Now that I'm medicated, I don't do any of that anymore, and although they still kind of wait for that other shoe to drop, they're at ease with me enough to talk about the past, and every one of them says "you weren't that bad, and even if you were, I'm over it". And I take them at their word, and try to remember it when those guilt feelings arise.

My children (two of them) are in their 20s--there are definitely things I wish I would have done better. I have experienced guilt about it all as well. Talking to a therapist and listening to my children's feelings about growing up in our household were both very helpful for me. And you will always be their mom. I lost my mom more than 20 years ago but my husband's mom is in her 80s. She has been encouraging to both of us (especially H of course) during our entire marriage. I know its hard, but try to focus on the positive things you can do for them now and in the future. And remember, they are their own people. They might need help processing their childhood (therapy/ expressing their feelings to you) or they might be very resilent about it all. I think everyone is unique and handles things differently. When they are adults, they are going to have the "reins" (will be the ones in control), at that point, all we can do is encourage them. Good luck with it all. Being a mother sure does change your entire perspective about life, doesn't it?

[Misssy2]

I think you have to forgive yourself for being "sick"...its not your fault.
And you said you have talked to your oldest son....you all will be around for MANY more years and you have plenty of time to do the things that you want to do.

Just because he is going to be 18 does not mean that he is going to vanish off the earth .

I was an alcoholic during my childrens childhoods and that brings immense guilt..but I have learned to forgive myself.

Not for nothing even with my faults and what you consider to be your faults..there are a lot worse situations out there...at least our kids know that we care about them and that we are trying to be better.

[Shazerac]

It's kinda normal for those of us that mental health or substance abuse issues to feel guilty about our parenting. I don't know what to tell you other then working on letting go of the guilt. You are torturing yourself. I know you did the best you could. You didn't ask to have MI, it's not your fault.

[usehername]

Originally Posted by newtobipolar

My kids are 10 and 17. Bessides feeling guilt that I could have been a better mom to them if I was diagnosed sooner, it is killing me that my youngest is already 10 and I didn't cherish all these years with him. I do now, but I lost so much, and so did he. My kids will be on their own in a matter of a few years.

It scares me to death! I love them so much, and I cannot stop thinking about the fact that at some point they will leave me. So much time was wasted with me not being well.

My main questioin that I need help with is..how the hell do I get this thought out of my head? I realize that all moms prob feel this, but my miind is absolitely obsessed with this thought. I cannot stop it. It's been a few days.

How do i make the thought stop?

Help me please

God, can I ever relate to this... I got active to get the thought out of my head. I did everything i could to make the most of our time. Every time she spoke to me, I listened intently with the full intention of learning exactly who she was, I took her on any outing I possibly could (even little ones like the grocery store), I asked for her input on everything - what kind of ketchup do you think we should buy? Of course, I'd point out prices and then we'd discuss whether it was worth spending more, I just did everything I could think of to be as involved as possible. And now she's 14 and sleeps in my bed.

I see yours is older, but that also means better comprehension... my daughter didn't really get why mom was so different... either way...

On the other side of the coin, my mom was kind of a hot mess raising me, while my siblings got a relatively stable mom... it took a while for us to build that bridge, but I was a lot older, and very ill myself... I think I was about 19 when we started to get close again. She, too, took an active interest in my life (that's where I learned it). My daughter's dad was not around, so my mom stepped in. That brought us together. And once I was medicated, too (her doing... long story, but she saved my life for the millionth time), it became so much easier, and I understood even better. We were best friends again for many years before she passed away.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by newtobipolar

My kids are 10 and 17. Bessides feeling guilt that I could have been a better mom to them if I was diagnosed sooner, it is killing me that my youngest is already 10 and I didn't cherish all these years with him. I do now, but I lost so much, and so did he. My kids will be on their own in a matter of a few years.


It scares me to death! I love them so much, and I cannot stop thinking about the fact that at some point they will leave me. So much time was wasted with me not being well.


My main questioin that I need help with is..how the hell do I get this thought out of my head? I realize that all moms prob feel this, but my miind is absolitely obsessed with this thought. I cannot stop it. It's been a few days.


How do i make the thought stop?


Help me please

I don't have kids but I can relate big time with the obsession over years wasted. Rather than taking my Dx seriously I spent my whole 20s self medicating and doing a horrible job at it. I've done so many morally corrupt things when self medicating with substance, or while manic, or both, that now that I'm sober i lay awake at night absolutely obsessing about the guilt. Some times the thoughts are so bad they really make me want to do something bad to myself. So much self hatred going on in my head and I can't stop it. It's especially bad right now with the holidays and dealing with family that do nothing but make me feel 1000 x's worse about myself. Lord please let me get past Christmas and then put me to sleep till my next Pdoc appointment rolls around. I wish. And in this past week I've been so fed up with my MI that I've been wanting to just go out and get blasted like the old days. I'm literally scared to have money in my possession right now in fear I'll spend it all getting blacked out drunk.

[MissCathryn]

Originally Posted by Misssy2

I think you have to forgive yourself for being "sick"...its not your fault.
And you said you have talked to your oldest son....you all will be around for MANY more years and you have plenty of time to do the things that you want to do.

Just because he is going to be 18 does not mean that he is going to vanish off the earth .

I was an alcoholic during my childrens childhoods and that brings immense guilt..but I have learned to forgive myself.

Not for nothing even with my faults and what you consider to be your faults..there are a lot worse situations out there...at least our kids know that we care about them and that we are trying to be better.

How do you forgive yourself? I feel like my kids we so shortchanged because I was never right. Very self absorbed, etc. Now, I feel so whole, so complete and I am more in tune with life and my kids more than ever.

We have lost so much and it will never come back. I hope I can learn too forgive myself.

I know it isn't my fault, I never asked for this, but the guilt is overwhelming

[MissCathryn]

Originally Posted by usehername

God, can I ever relate to this... I got active to get the thought out of my head. I did everything i could to make the most of our time. Every time she spoke to me, I listened intently with the full intention of learning exactly who she was, I took her on any outing I possibly could (even little ones like the grocery store), I asked for her input on everything - what kind of ketchup do you think we should buy? Of course, I'd point out prices and then we'd discuss whether it was worth spending more, I just did everything I could think of to be as involved as possible. And now she's 14 and sleeps in my bed.

I see yours is older, but that also means better comprehension... my daughter didn't really get why mom was so different... either way...

On the other side of the coin, my mom was kind of a hot mess raising me, while my siblings got a relatively stable mom... it took a while for us to build that bridge, but I was a lot older, and very ill myself... I think I was about 19 when we started to get close again. She, too, took an active interest in my life (that's where I learned it). My daughter's dad was not around, so my mom stepped in. That brought us together. And once I was medicated, too (her doing... long story, but she saved my life for the millionth time), it became so much easier, and I understood even better. We were best friends again for many years before she passed away.

Oh my God! This is me!! Now that I am well, I know my kids so much better, and I am so in tune with them now. I don't think I really was before. I feel like I have totally failed my older son. I feel like I haven't properly prepared him for life. I a slowly trying to be a better mom, and I know how now. The problem is that I can't just overwhelm my son with "good mom" now. That isn't fair to him. I trying to talk about it with him and taking things slow. I owe him so damn much

[usehername]

Originally Posted by NeatFreakmom

How do you forgive yourself? I feel like my kids we so shortchanged because I was never right. Very self absorbed, etc. Now, I feel so whole, so complete and I am more in tune with life and my kids more than ever.

We have lost so much and it will never come back. I hope I can learn too forgive myself.

I know it isn't my fault, I never asked for this, but the guilt is overwhelming

It is overwhelming... and I still have my bad days. I'm in court with her father right now and he's trying to use my MI against me, despite me being stable for about five years now (and him completely not stable NOW). My daughter was interviewed by the GAL and asked who she wanted to live with and said, "mom, of course". She was asked if there was anything she could change about me, what would it be? She answered, "she tends to rant when she gets upset". I feel guilty about even that, but it's still not too bad, I suppose... especially when the other parent is punching holes in things.

I feel like I missed so much, though... my mother helped with all this by making sure I was there, but I often wasn't truly present with my daughter. I was foggy, and mentally somewhere else... So I just keep trying every day to be as present with her as possible. I still don't know how to forgive myself for it, but therapy has helped me to not obsess and engage in negative self-talk over it, because that really only makes the situation worse. Either you end up still mentally somewhere else, or you're so overly cautious that it undermines the realness of the relationship and doesn't allow it to develop naturally.

Anyway... I doubt I've helped anyone, so I'll shut up now. Just my thoughts.