[usehername]

I'm just gonna rant for a minute... I'm sorry.
My daughter is sick. My ex is blaming my "terrible parenting" for it, despite the facts that 1) he hasn't been around AT ALL for the first 13 years of her life, has taken no interest, and has no clue and 2) it's all genetic. Gallstones in children (especially massive episodes that come out of nowhere) are genetic, and it runs on his side. His sister had the exact same thing happen - including one getting stuck in the pancreatic duct causing pancreatitis - when she was only two years older than my child. During her LONG hospital stay, where they messed up in every possible way, he tormented me, stressed her out, convinced (initially) several social workers that I'm the root of all evil and feed her nothing but grilled cheese (which she doesn't even like). We also learned that she had factor V Leiden - another GENETIC (clotting) disorder when she turned a clot going from her subclavian all the way down her axillary. Literally neck to elbow. He has gotten CPS involved on me twice. We are currently battling for custody of her, both asking for the other to have supervised visits (me because he denies her medically necessary medications, and is normally working the entire time he has her,leaving her with his idiotic fiance and him based on either lies or misunderstandings... I really don't know). It started with a DV incident when she came home from the hospital when he forced his way into our home.

To add insult to injury, one of his claims is that I'm mentally incompetent to care for our children to the very traumatic death of my mother. Yes, I still have PTSD from the experience two years ago. My brother and I found her, and my training kicked in. I assessed and told him to call 911 NOW. I searched every area a pulse could've been found, but her pulse had always been weak. I checked for decorations and found none. Her lips were a deep shade of blue. When we moved her in preparation for CPR, I saw that her skin was mottled from the waist down. But she was still warm, and didn't feel like clay, like in a natural death. I knew, but I didn't want to know. So I have her CPR alone with my brother out of the room. My daughter witnesses some of this, though I was trying to protect her from it. She's still got scars, too.

For somewhere between 15-30 minutes, I have CPR while waiting for the paramedics to arrive. As a healthcare provider, I'm aware that if they find out you're trained, they'll make you do it the entire hour they're required to, regardless. I couldn't handle it mentally or physically, and I knew there was nothing I could've done (if it hasn't worked in that amount of time, other interventions that I don't have might, but it's not likely) so I ducked out when they arrived. She passed away sometimes between 4:30am and before 9 when we found her. She was my best friend, my coparent, and the person who kept me from ever being institutionalized. She woke me up every morning (something I still can't do on my own), and she was the person who took the keys out of my hands five years ago when I was ready to drive my car off a bridge in a mixed state. She coached me into going to the psychiatrist and therapy. She made sure I ate every day when I was having problems. I have always taken good care of my daughter, but I've always struggled with self-care. She was also the breadwinner of the house, and I was in college full time, pre-nursing.

I was lucky enough that she'd planned well for this - I inherited enough to take some time to prepare myself to go back to work, prepare my daughter for being alone for the first time ever (we had been staggering our schedules for her), and to wait until she turned 13.

I am definitely damaged by the loss of my mother, but it is in no way impairing my ability to parent my child! If he knew anything about me, need know that. I'm the queen of compartmentalization, for one thing... plus, I'm stable on my meds and have been for years. If I weren't, I would've killed myself the day she died. I had the means.

I struggled a bit with work. I had one job that was one day a week (I can't remember what I was doing the other days) that paid $20 an hour (home care), but was literally fired for having bipolar disorder. It was way too far away anyway, I guess. Then I stumbled across an opening for a job called peer counselor, which I'd never heard of before. I interviewed, and they were so nice that I was honest about everything. They asked about experience with the mental health system, with bipolar and schizophrenia in particular... whatever I felt comfortable sharing. I told them I'd just been fired for having bipolar. They looked pissed, and encouraged me to sue, but since it was one lady struggling to care for her ailing older husband, I just couldn't dream of it. They assured me that "your mental health status will be an asset to you here, as you will to our company" and welcomed me aboard.

It's been successful, however, I've been trying to live off of about $400 a month after rent. Car insurance (mandatory state minimum) is able $100, gas to get there fluctuates between $200-250, and the rest is generally spent on psych meds because I couldn't find a decent Medicaid provider (I've been through every single one in the country that works outpatient).

I have no water right now. Every month, something gets shut off. They've bumped me to full time (after a year of begging), which will eventually bring me up to almost enough to pay all my bills. I really should get paid more, though, as I work in a locked down inpatient facility. They aren't there because they want to be. They are court ordered to be there. We get jail flips, people off the street, people whose families can no longer handle them, etc. I could literally be killed at work. Easily. I think that's worth more than $15/hr, especially since we're typically critically understaffed (I wonder why when everywhere else pays at least $1 an hour more...?)

I don't know. I'm done now. Sorry.

[MobiusPsyche]

I'm not sure what to say that could help but I wanted you to know you've been heard.

[bizi]

It sounds like important work that you are doing.
bizi

[leejosepho]

It sounds to me like your daughter has someone who understands, cares and knows what to do, it sounds to me like your clients have someone who understands, cares and knows what to do, and I wish your employer might learn to better understand your needs, to truly care and to do something for you.

[Row Jimmy]

Being a parent isn't easy. Don't blame yourself. I am in the "kid business". Despite all of our efforts, sometimes our kids choose their own path.

End of story.

[Wild Coyote]

It all sounds very stressful.

Do you have enough support?
Do you see a therapist?

Glad you are reaching out.
Lots on your plate.


WC

[usehername]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

It sounds to me like your daughter has someone who understands, cares and knows what to do, it sounds to me like your clients have someone who understands, cares and knows what to do, and I wish your employer might learn to better understand your needs, to truly care and to do something for you.

I am lucky in that they accommodate our needs to some degree... I didn't get fired when I had to take 24 days off to care for her... but they definitely need to pay more, and they did use my "attendance problems" (because of that) against me when deciding whether or not to promote me to full time. I was literally their last choice, even though I had seniority over everyone they asked first.

[usehername]

Originally Posted by Row Jimmy

Being a parent isn't easy. Don't blame yourself. I am in the "kid business". Despite all of our efforts, sometimes our kids choose their own path.

End of story.

You had me until "our kids choose their own paths"... mine is doing fine, other than mental and physical health issues, which she definitely didn't choose. I'm confused...

[usehername]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

It all sounds very stressful.

Do you have enough support?
Do you see a therapist?

Glad you are reaching out.
Lots on your plate.


WC

It's been very stressful... I have a parent partner through my daughter's intensive outpatient team, but she is mainly there to assist me in my role in my daughter's recovery. I am between therapists because of the insurance change. I have not found one that takes Medicaid that I'm actually willing to talk to since my last one left her agency (and me). Most mental health places here that accept Medicaid suck! We are 50th in the country, and working in the industry makes the reasons for that painfully clear.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sorry you're ex is complicating an already stressful situation, your work is built to burn you out, and you have no souport of a therapist.

You have been through so very much!!! My heart breaks for you. My mother is my best friend and so I know the bond in which you speak. I have been having panic attacks for years worrying about losing my mother. My heart just breaks for you.

My son has a very serious and life threatening illness also so I can empathize with how hard that is for you both. I'm so sorry for you and your daughter.

My sons father was never in his life either, always in and out of rehab or jail and when I would ask him for help, he would just criticize my parenting to get out of actually doing anything. He never called CPS but they would have laughed at him. I'm so sorry your ex is so vicious as to do that to you! How sick!!!!! And using your illness and your mothers passing is just beyond forgivable.

This must be such a difficult time for you and I'm sorry. Please get extra support right now. You need to stay well for your daughter. She needs her mom and you need her. (((Hugs)))

[usehername]

UPDATE: I just learned that my grandmother died while I was at work tonight. I don't even know how to feel about this... she was my other parent, but I was responsible for her care as a child (for example, learning how to drive at 10 so she wouldn't get a DUI)... she was viciously abusive my whole life, including causing preterm labor and a TBI when I was very pregnant...

[Shazerac]

oh dear, I don't know what to say except I'm sorry you are going through all this and on top of it all your grandmother died. I'm holding you in my heart and hope that you find a way through this dark time.

[usehername]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

You have been through so very much!!! My heart breaks for you. My mother is my best friend and so I know the bond in which you speak. I have been having panic attacks for years worrying about losing my mother. My heart just breaks for you.

My son has a very serious and life threatening illness also so I can empathize with how hard that is for you both. I'm so sorry for you and your daughter.

My sons father was never in his life either, always in and out of rehab or jail and when I would ask him for help, he would just criticize my parenting to get out of actually doing anything. He never called CPS but they would have laughed at him. I'm so sorry your ex is so vicious as to do that to you! How sick!!!!! And using your illness and your mothers passing is just beyond forgivable.

This must be such a difficult time for you and I'm sorry. Please get extra support right now. You need to stay well for your daughter. She needs her mom and you need her. (((Hugs)))

I'm very lucky to have my coworkers... one of my charge nurses knew I'd be having financial problems during Christmas and basically paid for Christmas for my daughter. 💜
My immediate supervisor consistently sticks up for me. 💜
My coworkers keep me in line and remind me that self-care matters. 💜
And some of the MHPs have spent a great deal of time talking me through a lot of this. One even wrote a court statement for the DV case. 💜

So, I have paid family. I have applied at a state hospital that pays twice what I make and they seem interested, but I worry about leaving my work family... I'd definitely stay on-call.

The other thing about work is that while it is seen as a high stress environment, being able to use my own terrible experiences to inspire hope, change and recovery in others is incredibly fulfilling... especially when it works. There was one kid who kept coming back over and over and finally I approached him and said, "what the hell are you doing back here? You're stable". We discussed the circumstances under which he was discharged, and he was essentially set up to fail - discharged to a motel with no income, no phone, no car, etc. I informed him of the resources I've used, we discussed how he could get them for himself, and he got right to work. He was gone in 72hrs and I haven't seen him in months now.

Another was an older man who'd suffered some abuse and lacked boundaries and had trouble keeping track of his meds. He basically sexually assaulted daily until his meds were somewhat stable. Before even saying as much as hello to me, he grabbed my butt. I had to constantly work to teach him boundaries. He had a long history of sexual assault charges before coming to us. After a long stay with us and a lot of work with me on what consent and proper boundaries should look like, he's now happily living in a group home with no issues where he has help getting his meds. The last time I saw him, he walked up to me and said, "I would really like to hug you right now" and I said OK, a little side hug is OK. Much better than when we started.

[LifeInProgress]

I can't really add anything except thank you for sharing your story. Know that we are pulling for you. I know that sounds trite, but it is sincere.

You'll be in my thoughts this Christmas.

[Unrigged64072835]

You and your daughter are in my prayers. Hope you both will be ale to find some peace soon.