advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Aurelius710
Elder
 
Aurelius710's Avatar
Aurelius710 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,600
8 yr Member
1,669 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 31, 2016 at 11:34 PM
  #1
I know what you're thinking, “A Bible verse for the title? How pretentious!”. To which I answer, “Yeah, probably, but bear with me.”

I work in retail, specifically selling electronics (high end, low end and every end in between). One day, I had a customer come in in the throes of a textbook manic episode. He was on a “shopping spree”, choosing expensive TVs and laptops with such speed that by the time I got the keys to get the first item, he was on item four. When I got a word in edgewise to ask what he specifically wanted, he became agitated and bounded to the other end of my department to look at video games. That agitation turned to anger when I didn't follow him. At that point, I called for backup in the form of management and store security. To their credit, they calmed him down, at which point, he was depressed and asking for his mother. While my managers kept talking to the guy, I tracked her down in the store and helped get them reunited.

That encounter scared me. Alot. Not because of anything the customer might have done in his manic state, but because he was a living breathing example of what I told my supervisors (the ones who “needed to know” anyway) to expect if I start exhibiting mania. I guess I started empathizing with the kid. He looked to be the same age as me, but was dealing with his illness very differently. I looked at him and saw a reflection. Where I've been, where I could've been, where I could still be. Hence 1 Corinthians and my frazzled nerves.

After the Bible verse, the next thing that came to mind was “Is this insight?” Clinically, I know what lack of insight means, however, my doctors and therapist always seem to connect insight with accepting and understanding the reality of my condition. That's quite the dangerous double-edged sword, I might add (“Oh, you don't agree to our treatment plan? You lack insight. Have an inpatient visit.”), but they haven't taken advantage of it and I've actually gotten some use out of it. What's my insight, you ask? Well, here goes:

I accept that I have bipolar disorder, a serious and incurable mental illness. As befitting a serious and incurable illness, I accept that I will very likely be on medication for the rest of my life (I've seen myself without it.). I accept that there will be side effects to some of this medication. I accept that I could be headed to an early grave if I leave my illness untreated (due to many, many reasons). I accept that this disease has derailed my life so many times, it's hard to get back on the track. I'm eight years in a four-year degree (courtesy of hospitalizations, semesters off and the like), most of my friends from school are already living the first day of the rest of their lives, and maintaining a relationship with the life I have at the moment is laughable. Finally, and this is the most infuriating, I accept that the only time anyone with power seems willing to discuss mental illness is after some entitled, angry moron commits a mass shooting and all I can do is watch in horror as that same mindset is echoed in those around me. I accept all of that. Can I have a drink now?

Seriously, is it any wonder I entertain (passing) urges to drink myself into oblivion? Being drunk is fun, Getting high is fun. Having one night stands are fun. This... this is crap. Given the choice between that terrible insight and a shopping spree, can anyone say the shopping spree isn't a little bit tempting?

I know a lot of this is just howling at the moon, but it's nice to let it all out sometimes, especially at the end of the year. Thanks for letting me vent.
Aurelius710 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, BipolaRNurse, Fuzzybear, gina_re, Innerzone, MrAbbott, MuddyBoots, Musician1980, Soupe du jour, Unrigged64072835, Werewoman
 
Thanks for this!
BipolaRNurse, Fuzzybear, Gabyunbound, Innerzone, MrAbbott, MuddyBoots, Musician1980, Soupe du jour, StewieGG, Unrigged64072835, Werewoman, wildflowerchild25

advertisement
wildflowerchild25
Elder
 
wildflowerchild25's Avatar
wildflowerchild25 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 6,431
10 yr Member
9,545 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 01, 2017 at 12:46 PM
  #2
Very eloquent. I echo your sentiments.

__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real?
-Albus Dumbledore

That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it
f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have.
-Garden State
wildflowerchild25 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Aurelius710
Shazerac
Grand Magnate
 
Shazerac's Avatar
Shazerac is attempting to contact the mother ship.
 
Member Since: May 2015
Location: earth
Posts: 3,029
8 yr Member
1,884 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 01, 2017 at 01:39 PM
  #3
Well said. I'm in a place where I accept that I have bipolar and I need treatment. But doesn't mean I have to like it

__________________


Eat a live frog for breakfast every morning and nothing worse can happen to you that day!

"Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be left waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.” Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Bipolar type 2 rapid cycling DX 2013 -
Seroquel 100
Celexa 20 mg
Xanax .5 mg prn
Modafanil 100 mg

Shazerac is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Aurelius710
 
Thanks for this!
Aurelius710
Innerzone
Wise Elder
 
Innerzone's Avatar
Innerzone FML
 
Member Since: Nov 2009
Location: NW US
Posts: 9,383
10 yr Member
31.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 01, 2017 at 02:23 PM
  #4
Vent away, Aurelius. Good read. Relatable. It can be hard to "see" ourselves in others that way -- but the empathy's good, so at least there's an upside.

__________________
*********
Mr. Robot
For Now we See Through a Glass, Darkly
Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.
--The Cure
Innerzone is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Aurelius710
 
Thanks for this!
Aurelius710
Unrigged64072835
Legendary
Unrigged64072835 "'Cause in my head there's a Greyhound station"
 
Member Since: Oct 2010
Location: Under the noise floor
Posts: 18,579 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
11.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 01, 2017 at 07:38 PM
  #5
Very good. Thanks for sharing!
Unrigged64072835 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Aurelius710
 
Thanks for this!
Aurelius710
Aurelius710
Elder
 
Aurelius710's Avatar
Aurelius710 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,600
8 yr Member
1,669 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 17, 2022 at 10:01 AM
  #6
Five and a half years and it seems like nothing's changed. I hate this. I hate this with a passion! Even when I accept the ugly truth, the world wants more. It can't stand to see me happy or even content with my life. Ever seen Goya's paintings? I had the chance to see them in the Prado in Madrid. This one has been in my head for the past few weeks:
For Now we See Through a Glass, Darkly
Just stuck. Can't climb out. No help out. Left to flail in an endless sea.

__________________
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
-Litany Against Fear (Dune)
Aurelius710 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Fuzzybear, Werewoman
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, MrAbbott, Werewoman
Soupe du jour
Elder
Soupe du jour has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2015
Location: Czechia
Posts: 5,149
8 yr Member
13.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 17, 2022 at 01:17 PM
  #7
Thanks so much for that, Aurelius!

It was a hard road getting to the point of acceptance for me, but when I reached it, there was a certain type of peace. Now, I don't even think for a millisecond to stop treatment. I'm even scared at the thought of even forgetting them on a trip, or the like. I don't want to go back to pre-meds life again. I have that insight to truly know what it was about. I didn't so much then.

Obviously if my meds poop out or suddenly give me unbearable side effects I'll want them re-thought out. That would be reasonable. But no meds? Heck no!

My mother had epilepsy. The form that includes grand mal seizures. In her youth, she wanted to quit her meds a couple times and try "alternatives". It got to a point that she was hospitalized having constant ones, with barely a break. That scared her out of ever quitting meds again, but she did find a mix she felt ok with. In fact, during the last week of her life in the ICU with terminal cancer, the doctors said she would adamately demand, again and again, that they not forget her epilepsy meds. She didn't want to pass having a seizure.

__________________
Dx: Bipolar type 1

Psych Medications:
* Tegretol XR (carbamazepine ER) 800 mg
* Lamictal (lamotrigine) 150 mg
* Seroquel XR (quetiapine ER) 600 mg
* Seroquel IR (quetiapine IR) 50 mg
* Lyrica (pregabalin) 100 mg

Last edited by Soupe du jour; Jun 17, 2022 at 01:40 PM..
Soupe du jour is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Aurelius710
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, Aurelius710
Werewoman
Poohbah
 
Werewoman's Avatar
Werewoman Is a bit, well...wered.
 
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
Posts: 1,472
8 yr Member
1,217 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 17, 2022 at 02:41 PM
  #8
I can't accept that I'm stuck being bipolar. Right now the depression isn't too bad but the mania is unbearable. Sometimes it's the depression and sometimes it's both but it's always there - unbearable. Meds don't seem to work for me anymore and I'm ready to just give up on the whole thing.

__________________



You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams

Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd
Werewoman is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Aurelius710, MrAbbott
 
Thanks for this!
Aurelius710
Aurelius710
Elder
 
Aurelius710's Avatar
Aurelius710 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,600
8 yr Member
1,669 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 17, 2022 at 07:22 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Werewoman View Post
I can't accept that I'm stuck being bipolar. Right now the depression isn't too bad but the mania is unbearable. Sometimes it's the depression and sometimes it's both but it's always there - unbearable. Meds don't seem to work for me anymore and I'm ready to just give up on the whole thing.
For me, it's less being bipolar than being defined by it. Having my hopes, dreams and potential minimized and disregarded because of it. Having every negative stereotype about mental illness hung around my neck like an albatross. Fighting so hard to get where I am, only to find I have so far to go. Knowing if I indulge the "shopping spree" or the "drink into oblivion" part of my brain, this all gets reinforced more.

I have no problem with noble fights and stubborn resistance. I just wish I didn't have to fight. so. much.

__________________
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
-Litany Against Fear (Dune)

Last edited by Aurelius710; Jun 17, 2022 at 07:41 PM..
Aurelius710 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Werewoman
Poohbah
 
Werewoman's Avatar
Werewoman Is a bit, well...wered.
 
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
Posts: 1,472
8 yr Member
1,217 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 20, 2022 at 05:05 AM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurelius710 View Post
For me, it's less being bipolar than being defined by it. Having my hopes, dreams and potential minimized and disregarded because of it. Having every negative stereotype about mental illness hung around my neck like an albatross. Fighting so hard to get where I am, only to find I have so far to go. Knowing if I indulge the "shopping spree" or the "drink into oblivion" part of my brain, this all gets reinforced more.

I have no problem with noble fights and stubborn resistance. I just wish I didn't have to fight. so. much.

I could not have said it any better myself. Even when the symptoms are under control there is still the stigma to contend with.

You have a gift for eloquence.

__________________



You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams

Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd
Werewoman is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Aurelius710
 
Thanks for this!
Aurelius710
Fuzzybear
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,301 (SuperPoster!)
20 yr Member
81.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 15, 2022 at 09:25 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurelius710 View Post
For me, it's less being bipolar than being defined by it. Having my hopes, dreams and potential minimized and disregarded because of it. Having every negative stereotype about mental illness hung around my neck like an albatross. Fighting so hard to get where I am, only to find I have so far to go. Knowing if I indulge the "shopping spree" or the "drink into oblivion" part of my brain, this all gets reinforced more.

I have no problem with noble fights and stubborn resistance. I just wish I didn't have to fight. so. much.
I agree about the stigma thanks for so eloquently describing this.

__________________
Fuzzybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Aurelius710
 
Thanks for this!
Aurelius710
MrAbbott
Member
 
MrAbbott's Avatar
MrAbbott has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2022
Location: Spain
Posts: 124
1 yr Member
148 hugs
given
Default Jul 16, 2022 at 07:48 AM
  #12
Thanks Aurelius. I like you've been able to tell your boss about your mania, I've never been able to do it and my illness cost me a job in the past. Despite all that, I still can't fully believe I have an illness and my parents, the only people I can count on, haven't even read the wikipedia to learn about it. It's too painful for them, they expected my life to be something else. It's painful for me to see how people will judge me as some have already done.

Kind regards.

__________________
Dx: bipolar type 1 with psychosis + some OCD

Invega 3mg
Depakine 800mg
Plenur 400mg
MrAbbott is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Aurelius710
 
Thanks for this!
Aurelius710
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:18 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.