What my depression feels like/ what my hope feels like

I just want to say I'm not currently depressed. I was just thinking of my lowest and wanted to air it out if anybody wants to share.

My depression feels like a country that was devastated and lost a big war. Their would be times I wouldn't eat, times I'd eat everything and then some.
My depression felt like a country that had heavy sanctions and was limited to their participation in the world.
My depression feels like a favorite toy that has been discarded for other new ones.
My hopes and dreams crushed and the mere thinking of them makes me feel pathetic, defeated, useless and unworthy.

I would have sleepless nights but stay in bed all day. Afraid to even take one step out. Hopeless to the point that I didn't care and figured their is no point.

I wonder if I am cursed. What did I do to deserve this crushing pain. And for those that say it's only emotional pain, you haves felt depression. Depression hurts, both physically and mentally. It sucks the life out of you, you feel as your dying slowly.
I feel that I'm unlovable. Even by myself. I see others who have less personable personality happy with their significant others. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. How can someone with a horrible personality have someone else that loves them, while I sit here waiting to give love to someone I want. Is it the fact that I won't settle? Do I deserve more,or do I deserve less. Should I settle? I hate myself, my body, my hopes, my dreams, my failures, my personality, my demeanor, I shouldn't be alive. I don't deserve the precious gift of life. I'm just existing, I'm not living.


My hope

I am hopeful now. I am hopeful that I will get a girlfriend. I am hopeful I will get my education back on track and get a better job that I originally dreamed for.
I am hopeful that I will be happy one day achieving many of my dreams.
My dreams are alive and I am hopeful that I will live them.
I love myself. I want to improve myself. I love my body,that I am willing to eat right and workout daily.
I love life. I cannot wait to wake up, get out of bed and start my day.
I have goals, daily weekly, monthly,yearly. Sometimes they are the same as my dreams.
I will achieve my goals. I will achieve my dreams. I love myself. Others love me. I am happy.

That said so much. Thank you.

Thanks for sharing this. The last few days for me have been a little eye opening, thanks in part to my t and my pdoc. I'm slowly coming to accept that despite my imperfections, I am human, and we all make mistakes. I am trying to learn how to better cope with my emotions and I know that in time it will all come together. I will never be 'cured', but at least I have hope that I'll be able to accept the things that I can't change.