[Grace210]

Hello all,

I am not sure if I am at the right place to ask for advice? I hope so...

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months and he is wonderful! He told me 3 months into our relationship when he was questioning leaving that he was Bipolar. I didn't know what it meant so I researched it and told him I would support him and help him through anything he needed. Everything went fine, he was back on his medication. I just recently noticed after not seeing him for a week that he is really depressed and sad, doesn't make eye contact and just seems awkward around me, I got super nervous with anxiety he wasn't interested in me, I said something and he told me this is a part of the Bipolar and that we are okay. I think I worked myself up reading online forums that some people with Bipolar tend to break up with people a lot and then come back, (I mean totally could just be someone's personality and not their illness affecting it, but I am new and just reading through forums unsure if I am reading the correct stuff) We never fight, we get along great, I just see him suddenly extremely down.

My question is, I want to support him but I don't know how? Is asking "are you okay" and "how are you doing" annoying or irritating? I'm sure its different for everyone but maybe if someone has an experience with it? Or what helps him when he is are sad in such a depressive state? I know the depression wont just go away from anything I say, but I want him to know I am there without annoying him you know?

Thanks for everyone's help, I am trying to learn more about mental illness and I hope I didn't say anything offensive. I want to help and support and I love my bf dearly.

[bizi]

This is very good of you to ask for support here.
I am fairly new so I am not sure that there is not a sub forum for family members etc.
I think that it is always appreciated to ask someone how they are doing.
I know that I am not a mind reader.
When you get to read him better you may want to ask him if he ever thinks about hurting himself.
bipolar folks are some times suicidal and try to hide their feelings from others.
bizi
You are being a good girl friend.

[Sad Mermaid]

You are essentially asking two very different questions. One is explicit: how do you support him? The other is implicit? How do you not feel rejected when he does not show interest in you due to the depression?

To the former question: do you know what his diagnosis is? Is it "Bipolar I" or "Bipolar II"? The answer would much depend on it. I have a lot of experience supporting a Bipolar II friend over email, which I can share, and that would for the most part be dealing with depression and spells of anxiety. Bipolar I (I have it myself) can mean lots of different things, including, in some folks, the type of hyper sexuality when a manic person has sex with new people and then regrets losing the regular boyfriend and girlfriend. From your description it does not sound like that would be involved, but getting informed and educated on the whole spectrum would not hurt you.

To the latter question: you would undoubtedly learn his moods and learn to see that his lack of energy, lack of sexual drive, lack of signs of affection for you, or whatever it was that caused anxiety in you are related to those (passing!) moods. Ask him if he wants to be touched when he feels depressed - touch can be reassuring for both of you.

Good luck - as bizi said, you are being a good girl friend.

[Have Faith]

If it helps I had noticed a 'Relationships and Communication' forum on the main forum page. But I also noticed that any forum you post in is full of helpful people.

[Naynay99]

Hey- I dated someone with bipolar 1 disorder, but he also had a lot of issues with addiction which complicated everything.
In general I would say you need to have a pretty thick skin, sometimes when you need them to be there for you they aren't or can't be, if they are struggling with their own mood episode. And knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less.

As somebody who has dealt with a lot of depression, I don't think asking if he is ok is annoying but if someone asked me that with that voice and look of concern that people tend to get around a depressed person, I would probably lie and say I was ok even if I wasn't.
I have found that what my friend could do that was helpful when I was depressed was to spend time together in a way where there was no pressure to talk or entertain, like coming over and watching a movie or going to the park and reading or something. It was nice to know she was there but I didn't have to force myself to act okay. Also when my mom came over and just did my dishes or laundry without asking or offering or anything. She just did those chores I was struggling with and didn't mention it.

Anyway he is lucky that you are trying to support him. I hope things work out. Just don't forget to take care of yourself too- it can be hard and mentally exhausting sometimes to be around somebody suffering with depression and mood issues. I exhaust myself! Best of luck.

[Cdnstargazer]

Originally Posted by Naynay99

Hey- I dated someone with bipolar 1 disorder, but he also had a lot of issues with addiction which complicated everything.
In general I would say you need to have a pretty thick skin, sometimes when you need them to be there for you they aren't or can't be, if they are struggling with their own mood episode. And knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less.

As somebody who has dealt with a lot of depression, I don't think asking if he is ok is annoying but if someone asked me that with that voice and look of concern that people tend to get around a depressed person, I would probably lie and say I was ok even if I wasn't.
I have found that what my friend could do that was helpful when I was depressed was to spend time together in a way where there was no pressure to talk or entertain, like coming over and watching a movie or going to the park and reading or something. It was nice to know she was there but I didn't have to force myself to act okay. Also when my mom came over and just did my dishes or laundry without asking or offering or anything. She just did those chores I was struggling with and didn't mention it.

Anyway he is lucky that you are trying to support him. I hope things work out. Just don't forget to take care of yourself too- it can be hard and mentally exhausting sometimes to be around somebody suffering with depression and mood issues. I exhaust myself! Best of luck.

This!!

I was diagnosed with Bipolar last year. It's taken years for me to accept my diagnosis - even though it (and borderline personality and ptsd) wrecked my life through my early 20s.

From my experience, I will tell you things I hope my partner does when I am manic (hypomanic in my case) and depressed.

Since becoming stable on medications (there are still some fluctuations!), I have agreed to:

When depressed, I : try not to sleep more than 9 hours. Get exercise. Use a sun lamp. Take vitamin D and fish oils. Eat healthy.

When hypomanic, I: give my debit and credit card to my partner (to curb spending. So I only carry a bit of cash for necessary things like gas). I get flirty and so I try to improve and work on my relationship. Stay away from stimulating things like night clubs (mania can feed off stimulation).

What I've found works, is doing a daily mood rating in my workbook my counselor gave me. I take my meds - if I don't my partner can often tell and she reminds me. Part of our relationship agreement is that I take my meds so I can stay stable.

Your bf is lucky to have you. As the above poster mentioned, don't forget your own self care (hobbies, friends etc). This disorder can put anyone through the ringer. Take care.

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by Grace210

Hello all,

I am not sure if I am at the right place to ask for advice? I hope so...

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months and he is wonderful! He told me 3 months into our relationship when he was questioning leaving that he was Bipolar. I didn't know what it meant so I researched it and told him I would support him and help him through anything he needed. Everything went fine, he was back on his medication. I just recently noticed after not seeing him for a week that he is really depressed and sad, doesn't make eye contact and just seems awkward around me, I got super nervous with anxiety he wasn't interested in me, I said something and he told me this is a part of the Bipolar and that we are okay. I think I worked myself up reading online forums that
some people with Bipolar tend to break up with people a lot and then come back, (I mean totally could just be someone's personality and not their illness affecting it, but I am new and just reading through forums unsure if I am reading the correct stuff) We never fight, we get along great, I just see him suddenly extremely down.

My question is, I want to support him but I don't know how? Is asking "are you okay" and "how are you doing" annoying or irritating? I'm sure its different for everyone but maybe if someone has an experience with it? Or what helps him
when he is are sad in such a depressive state? I know the depression wont just go away from anything I say, but I want him to know I am there without annoying him you know?

Thanks for everyone's help, I am trying to learn more about mental illness and I hope I didn't say anything offensive. I want to help and support and I love my bf dearly.

---response. There is a book called Loving someone with bipolr disorder. Get that on amazon. Read the wikipedia article on bipolar.
I have been bipolar for 40 years. Of couse he is going to seem down sometimes. If you are going to freak out about it you are not a match for him. The things that will help him most are aerobic exercise, a routine, minimizing stress, pursuing interests and friendships, a solid support system of people who really accept him (not just you). He should most likely be on medication and it must be the right meds for him. He should have a psychiatrist and talk therapist that r right for him.
You need a life of your own to keep from obsessing about him in order to make things work for both of you. Attend a support group for bipolars w him. Ask questions at the group. Dont ask him constantly if he is ok. Know the symptoms so you know without asking constantly.

[usehername]

Originally Posted by Naynay99

In general I would say you need to have a pretty thick skin

Definitely. It is important to take things personally as infrequently as possible when someone is having an episode, because it's not about you.

Originally Posted by Naynay99

Also when my mom came over and just did my dishes or laundry without asking or offering or anything. She just did those chores I was struggling with and didn't mention it.

THIS. OMG. YES. I wish my family got this. It can be so hard to keep up on the stupid crap. I've had two family members call CPS on me because "my house was dirty and I seemed sad". I'm like Jesus Christ, are you kidding me?? Do a freaking load of dishes and talk to me. I was actually quite manic at the time, but they weren't even around long enough to see that. DUH.
But yes, little bits of help with stuff we're too in our heads to notice WILL help. A lot.

[usehername]

Originally Posted by Cdnstargazer

This!!

When hypomanic, I: give my debit and credit card to my partner (to curb spending. So I only carry a bit of cash for necessary things like gas).

For those of us who aren't partnered, putting the cards in a large bowl of water in the freezer works very well. I've done it many times. That way, it takes a long time and a lot of thought to make that purchase (unless you're dumb like me and have all that **** stored in your computers and phones and memory anyway).