[glowsinthedark]

I get terrible panic attacks, sometimes in the middle of the night. Last night I woke up terrified and physically ill. Within seconds I was under a freezing cold shower with all of my clothes on chewing ativan and gasping for air. Thankfully the acute fear never lasts longer than 30 minutes, but it always leaves this lingering sense of dread and despair. Each attack is a blow to any stable sense of self and 'reality' - like, a terrible reminder that everything we take for granted on a daily basis (even very fundamental things like "I am a person" or "this is a room") is nothing more than a flimsy construct we decide to believe in but that could disappear at any moment. Losing hold for even 15 minutes causes me to lose faith (existential, not religious etc.), which I then have to build back up by willfully 'forgetting' the experience.

I'm tired of re-constructing my world over and over again. It seems likely that at some point this will no longer be possible, which is a truly horrifying thought.

[leejosepho]

I can identify completely with the things you have shared, and there might come a time when I cannot get back to reality. I do not agree that so many daily things are mere "flimsy constructs", but I do know my grasp of them can often be shaky. Like you, I do grow weary of needing to do so many "reality checks" (my term) or reconstructs (yours) more often than I might care to admit to many people, but the reality so far is that I always get that done and have no reason to believe I will lose that ability as long as I do not first venture beyond my reality limits.

I can relate to your observations, experiences, confusions, conclusions and fears. (((Hugs)))

[glowsinthedark]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

I can identify completely with the things you have shared, and there might come a time when I cannot get back to reality. I do not agree that so many daily things are mere "flimsy constructs", but I do know my grasp of them can often be shaky. Like you, I do grow weary of needing to do so many "reality checks" (my term) or reconstructs (yours) more often than I might care to admit to many people, but the reality so far is that I always get that done and have no reason to believe I will lose that ability as long as I do not first venture beyond my reality limits.

yes, I think of 'reality checks' as the little things I do throughout the day, e.g., touching the wall and saying to myself "this is a wall" etc. And then there is this much bigger 'project' of adding up all the assurance gained through these 'checks' to form a more sturdy sense of the world. But the mere fact it can get knocked down almost instantaneously sometimes makes me feel as if all I'm doing is constructing an illusion and then choosing to believe in it.

I'm sorry this is something you have to deal with as well

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by glowsinthedark

...all the assurance gained through these 'checks' to form a more sturdy sense of the world. But the mere fact it can get knocked down almost instantaneously sometimes makes me feel as if all I'm doing is constructing an illusion and then choosing to believe in it.

I'm sorry this is something you have to deal with as well

My empathy and consideration to you as well, and now maybe I better understand what you mean in relation to the potential for illusion.

You had mentioned not losing "religious faith" (your term), and that same kind of thing is at the bottom line for me. Our desire, wish and prayer (I assume) to remain in touch with "Greater Reality" or whatever is crucial, I believe, and that is the "lighthouse" I try to always keep within sight rather than relying upon myself while fumbling around in the dark looking for a non-existent reset button. My own prayer that keeps me in focus: "Father, my only desire is to delight in you and to delight only in you", and my context there is that self-reliance only ever led me toward darkness.

[wiretwister]

the attack seems so violent ... it must me horrible ...

[RainyDay107]

Panic disorder is a beast. I relate and I'm so sorry you're going through it.

[glowsinthedark]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

My empathy and consideration to you as well, and now maybe I better understand what you mean in relation to the potential for illusion.

You had mentioned not losing "religious faith" (your term), and that same kind of thing is at the bottom line for me. Our desire, wish and prayer (I assume) to remain in touch with "Greater Reality" or whatever is crucial, I believe, and that is the "lighthouse" I try to always keep within sight rather than relying upon myself while fumbling around in the dark looking for a non-existent reset button. My own prayer that keeps me in focus: "Father, my only desire is to delight in you and to delight only in you", and my context there is that self-reliance only ever led me toward darkness.

Sorry, that was unintentionally misleading of me. I don't lose religious faith because I don't have any, never have. People seem to think of religion when they hear the word "faith" so I wanted to specify the type of faith I often lose ("existential", or what have you). I do feel and believe that there is something immeasurably bigger than me - or "greater reality" as you put it. Sometimes this acknowledgement makes me feel euphoric and at peace, and other times it fills me with dread. I'm glad that prayer gives you some solace, maybe I should invent one of my own

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by glowsinthedark

I do feel and believe there is something immeasurably bigger than me - or "greater reality" as you put it. Sometimes this acknowledgement makes me feel euphoric and at peace...

I would say that feeling comes from the "greater reality" or whatever...

Originally Posted by glowsinthedark

...and other times it fills me with dread.

I would guess that comes from past exposure to or influence from one or another kind of religion, and the prayer I had mentioned has been helpful to me along that kind of line now that I no longer "delight" in any sectarian religion.

Originally Posted by glowsinthedark

I'm glad that prayer gives you some solace, maybe I should invent one of my own

I would say your belief of there being "something immeasurably bigger than me" is quite sufficient for making an approach and possibly even making contact with our Maker if you might ever wish to do so.