[dshantel]

This may be a trigger.

Sorry that all my post seem to be on the negative side. I just don't know where else to go. I'm trying so hard to hold everything together but I feel myself slipping further and further. There's just so much going on in my mind. So much going on in my life and I can't handle it all. But I have to keep it together for my family, right. Right now I'm sitting on the floor in the corner. Wishing I could escape. My baby keeps on and off crying. My 2 year old won't go to sleep and my husband is trying to sleep. I just. Want to disappear. My husband will be leaving for a month come next week and I'm terrified. The closer it gets the more depressed I feel. I can not admit to myself that I may be in an episode. I don't want it to be an excuse for my behavior lately. No body understands. It's just getting harder and harder to do anything but at the same time I want to do everything, I want everything. I don't even know how much money I've spent on stuff because in that moment it makes me feel good or I have these ideas in my head but that doesn't last very long. My husband obviously doesn't like it but that just makes me feel worse. All of this is so overwhelming. I'm literally dreading the morning, I do every night because I have to wake up at 6 to walk my son to the bus stop and I don't want to. I almost had a break down this morning and didn't take him but I did with 2 minutes to spare. Sometimes I just wonder why, why do I have to feel this way. I hardly even get in social media or talk to anyone anymore because I hate seeing all the great things they are doing in their lives that I want to be doing. I know that's selfish but I can't help it. It just makes me feel like a failure. I don't know what to do about anything, any of this.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Do you have a therapist? Would you consider going on some med to try to prevent this from worsening? At least for me when that kind of too tired to move thing starts I need help. And since it sounds like you've got some heavy stress coming up with your husband away the sooner you get this stopped the better.

I just had to take a few days off my AD and lower the dose abruptly because the change of season is making me head for a mixed episode. I've wanted to do nothing but sleep and then at night I can't. With the meds lowered in my body I got some much needed deep sleep yesterday and already feel better. I hope something similar can help you. (I know you aren't on meds and that may not be the right choice for you, just what worked for me).

[dshantel]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Do you have a therapist? Would you consider going on some med to try to prevent this from worsening? At least for me when that kind of too tired to move thing starts I need help. And since it sounds like you've got some heavy stress coming up with your husband away the sooner you get this stopped the better.

I just had to take a few days off my AD and lower the dose abruptly because the change of season is making me head for a mixed episode. I've wanted to do nothing but sleep and then at night I can't. With the meds lowered in my body I got some much needed deep sleep yesterday and already feel better. I hope something similar can help you. (I know you aren't on meds and that may not be the right choice for you, just what worked for me).

Thanks for reading. My insurance is weird right now and doesn't cover mental health so that is why I'm without meds or a T or Pdoc. I do think that I would benefit from seeing someone but I can't afford that. I don't know what else to do. I just feel so horrible. My anxiety is getting out of hand as well and causing me to not have an appetite and I can't do anything about any of it.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Can you see your family doctor? It's not ideal but they can do something. My pdoc had cancer years ago and my family doctor filled in when she couldn't treat me from time to time during her treatment. If you know something worked in the past that might help the doctor and you can request only generics. You could even bring in the list of $4 meds for Walmart or wherever else does those and ask to try those first. Otherwise there are still ways to get meds cheap. I can tell you about them if you want but I won't overwhelm you if you don't want to hear it.

I thought insurance was required by law to cover mental health? I've been there without mental health coverage years ago (well, if I paid $10,000 first; I've had cheaper IP stays) and needed IP and it was a huge mess so I understand how hard that it is. It makes the depression feel a thousand times worse and completely overwhelming.

How about community mental health? There should be somewhere that will take you for very low or no fee based on income. Usually every county has one. I live in a really rural area so we have one that is combined from 6 counties.

[Naynay99]

I'm sorry U are having such a tough time. That has got to be overwhelming knowing that your husband is going away for that long. Especially if u are caring for little kids while in the midst of a depressive episode. Do u have any family or friends that live close by that you could lean on?

You are definitely not a failure! You are managing to raise little human beings!! I cant imagine how much work and stress that must be. I can barely care for my cats sometimes.

I don't do social media, but I do know that what people show to the world on Facebook is not necessarily a true reflection of what their life is really like so don't feel bad by comparing yourself to some idealized version of them that isn't even real.

That sucks u can't get therapy right now. Maybe look into a self help support group meeting? I go to a dbsa meeting near me. It's not the same as therapy but it does help you to not feel so alone, talking to others who can relate.

Hang in there.

[dshantel]

I just had my son in January and when we applied for insurance for the new year it changed and plus we moved different state. The insurance that they gave only covers anything to do with being pregnant and having my son. I can't sign up on market place because it won't let me because due to some financial limitations idk it doesn't make sense to me. I don't know anything about this area that I'm in. I'm new here and we have no family it friends here at all

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I did a quick search. This place takes medicaid or generous sliding scale for uninsured and helps you get benefits if you qualify for things you aren't getting. It also provides mental health services. It looks like it is the primary place to go for sliding scale in your area.

Becoming-a-Patient-Engaging-in-Care

Do you get WIC? They also might be able to give you a referral. Maybe you are eligible for Medicaid?

It sounds like you have been through so much. Take care of yourself. You can do this. You need to find some help somewhere but you can do it.

[Wander]

It is such a difficult position that you are in. I agree with Rainbow. Can you see a general doctor. Perhaps they can prescribe something to help you in the meantime. It must be so hard but hang in there. Episodes pass and hopefully this one will soon. For now, post here as much as you need if it helps. Many people here are very supportive. It might just help a little bit and get you through another day.

[Sunflower123]

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. It makes you feel frantic and out of control when things seem to be slipping away. I agree with BeyondTheRainbow. See if that can help. You have support here. You're not alone. Please keep posting as needed.

[dshantel]

I do not have WIC, and the insurance is some form of Medicaid. The papers I got back about the coverage says mine is only pregnancy related. I think I may try to call someone and see if I can get different insurance.

[jacky8807]

I'm feeling so bad for you right now. Even I am trying to go without bipolar meds I still hang on to the klonopin because I can't deal with the level my anxiety reaches.
I wish I had better advice for you but I just want you to know I understand and feel for you. Especially hard with children and when they are young. Keep posting here .you are never alone in this community!

[sd1910]

I joined this forum because 35 years ago I was where you are. I used to leave my baby who cried constantly and my husband was always away due to his addiction. I had no one and there were no social media. What happened to me is I joined a computer club and met 2 women like me. I became a new person. Do you have friends? Perhaps if you make some connections you can pull out of this. I am worried about you. Please stay in touch.

[sd1910]

I meant to say I would leave my daughter in her play pen and go outside and just cry.

[Alokin]

dshantel, my heart goes out to you. I can sympathize with you a lot. I have a young baby too and I just have been there, your words resonate with me <3 You really must get a support system to help you and find some care.

[Alokin]

Originally Posted by dshantel

I do not have WIC, and the insurance is some form of Medicaid. The papers I got back about the coverage says mine is only pregnancy related. I think I may try to call someone and see if I can get different insurance.

I hate to say it and I know you probably really do not want to, but you are going to have to get on the phone to work all this out, which is the worst. I hate having to sort things like this out But you can do it, your babes need you <3

[dshantel]

Originally Posted by Alokin

I hate to say it and I know you probably really do not want to, but you are going to have to get on the phone to work all this out, which is the worst. I hate having to sort things like this out But you can do it, your babes need you <3

Yea I really hate calling people.