Told husband about SI...and nothing

I told my husband I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts. He didn't say too much, which was really disappointing (though not surprising, as we've had this exact conversation before). Then a few days later he brought it up and asked if I had a plan. This made me a little hopeful that at least he was maybe taking me seriously. But then I said yes and again nothing came of it. He doesn't seem actually worried at all. He leaves me at home when I'm visibly struggling and does nothing to make me feel better. It basically feels like he thinks I'm "just in a bad mood." I can't really believe that he gives a **** about me based on his nonchalant response, which only makes me feel that much worse. He was the same when I was self-harming - it literally didn't go any farther than him asking "what's this?" and me saying "nothing" - and from then on he just pretended not to notice.

I can't force him to care. I've done everything I can. I'm starting to think I'd be better off without him.

I am sorry your husband does not respond in a manner which you find helpful.

One of the diagnoses I deal with is BP-2. When I am at my worst, having difficulty functioning, and I am feeling suicidal, my husband will stand by me.
He makes sure he is around more, etc. We talk a lot. Yet, he will also share that he often feels lost about just what to do, how to help.

Does your husband feel lost about how to respond, too?
Have you asked him how he's doing and how he feels when you are suffering?

Heart-to-heart conversations can help us to understand more about what's truly going on for each person involved.

I hope you and your hubby can have a heart-to-heart talk.


WC

Maybe he is unsure what to do or say? I'm sorry you are struggling.

I am so very sorry for this horrible struggle you are going through!

Hugs--

I think it would be helpful if you told your husband that it matters to you how he responds to your struggles with SI and suicidal thinking.

It sounds to me like he may just not know how to respond to it, so he may just need a bit of guidance. If you tell him how he could be more helpful and then he stays the same, then I would be concerned.

Sending you a virtual hug, if that's ok.

I'm sorry you are suicidal. It's a serious issue. Please be careful.

How much does your H know about bipolar/depression? Is your diagnosis recent or were you already aware of it when you met him?

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time.

Thank you everyone

the bipolar stuff is nothing new to my husband - was diagnosed long before I met him and told him right away. We've had this "fight" countless times. I've asked him for 2 things over and over again: 1. if you don't get it, then do some research or ask me (I've gotten him a book, sent him websites, and taken him to a group before). and 2. be more affectionate/attentive during these times. I don't know what else I can do. I am NOT a needy person most of the time, but when I am I am. Also, I don't need him to fully "get it," I just need to feel like he is there for me. Instead he seems to prefer his ignorance because it's easier for him to deal with. I'm not sure how that makes a good partner.

These are very complex situations. Wires tend to get crossed a lot.

Have you been able to tell him, specifically, which behaviors feel affectionate to you?

Sometimes a spouse is also upset and sees mention of SI as a form of abandonment, thus pulling further away. A spouse can take SI very personally.

When I'd wanted my husband to be affectionate, I had to honestly ask myself:
- What type of affection did I desire, very specifically, and
- How open was I, honestly, to his affection? How am I signaling him?
Am I withdrawing into my depression, distancing him?

Do you know what goes on for him when you are struggling?
Have you asked him?

Have you both ever explored couples counseling?

It sounds like you both are hurting, honestly.
Is there more you both can do to mutually bridge the gap and to assist the necessary healing?


WC

Excellent advice.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I went through this to a degree in my 20 year marriage. I hope you can sit down with him candidly and ask why he is not honoring your requests.

Me and the wife go through SI differently. I want affection. I want to be cuddled. I want her to want me. But her on the other hand, she pulls away and pushes me away at the same time. Like Wild Coyote said, I do take her SI very personally. I feel like I've failed her, and because I've failed her I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything at all. I know that's a selfish way to look at it, but I do take it very personal. I feel like I should have seen this before it got this bad. I feel like if I did more (of god knows what... just more) she wouldn't be having those feelings. I feel like I let her down and dunno how to fix it. I'm a fixer and when something is wrong I want to fix it, especially for her. So, when I feel like I can't fix it I feel it is better to stay away than to make it worse. Like I said, not the best way but It's the only way I know how to handle it.

And just like you and your husband it's caused lots of fights. I just wish she was more like you and would tell me what to do.

I think that I have. I've told him to hug me more (and I go to him for this too, so it's not as if I'm just waiting around for it). I've told him to send me a message during the day when we are apart. I've told him that I will never ask him to stay home or cancel plans on my behalf unless I really really need to be with someone, so when I ask then please do it.

I almost wish the problem was his feelings about the situation, but that would imply that he is affected by my feelings, and I guess that's what I'm just not convinced of. It's the casual nature of his response - in both words and actions - that bothers me. Suicidal thoughts are extremely hard to bring up and talk about and it took a lot out of me to even go there, and now I just feel like it was for nothing - or actually, that it's made things even worse. Because if I'm going to tell anyone it's him, there's no one else. And if my one person falls flat then it feels like there is literally nowhere else to turn.

Sorry, I know I'm rambling. I really do appreciate your response, as it's helping me to articulate this stuff for myself. I have thought of couples counseling, just really lacking the motivation...

SI can be so awkward and complex. I only told my H once (had kept it to myself for decades) then went to a psychiatrist for the first time. Later, when the children told me what he had told them about it, I worried that he was causing them massive anxiety (looking back, maybe I should have also been more cognizant of the anxiety he was feeling) plus, when I attempted, their was an element of aggression towards my husband when I acted. Our spouses can bring out both the worst and best aspects of our personalities and MI.....

good or bad my wife just gives me a wide berth when I am "off the beam" , so to speak .... she says she has no idea what to do and does not want to make it worst ... I understand that ... I don't know what to do most of the time either ... works for me cause usually I do just want to be left alone ...

When I've talked to my wife about being suicidal she has just said, "Well there's nothing I can do about that."

Not complaining, but also not telling her again. There's no point.

Thank you for sharing this. My husband is also a fixer. What you say about taking it personally totally makes sense. I definitely feel this way when he is down in the dumps. But I really truly don't think he feels that way. It's almost like he doesn't take it personally enough...

You guys are really helping me feel less alone - thank you

I think what I'm beginning to realize (or admit to myself) is that the problem is much broader than how my husband reacts to depression and suicidal thoughts. I can't stop comparing how things used to be to how they are now. I looked at him as my savior in a way. He was my anchor. Plus he was totally head over heels in love, and did lots of stuff to let me know (like sending little notes in the mail every day). The first time I got depressed with him he was perfect. Now it's old news. And I guess so am I.

Which brings me back to my original thought of leaving him, because it's better to be lonely alone than with someone else.

Is there anyone else you can rely on for support? Sometimes spouses don't get it. When mine isn't supportive I rely a lot on sites like this and my tdoc.