[jacky8807]

I gave the cold shoulder to a family member this afternoon at a family event. she has made disparaging and blatantly rude comments about my problems. she is one of those ones with deep seated insecurities so she must prove to the world how perfect she is .

anyway I feel bad. it goes against my nature to freeze somebody out so blatantly while socializing with everybody else. I am a forgive and forget type, often to easily. But I feel like I am changing and perhaps it's making me colder?

should I feel bad about this? Am I so fed up with B.S. im going to become like my dad who can drop some one out of his life in 5 seconds flat? is that always a bad thing? idk

I can't answer that for you, only you know what feels right. I think if someone makes intentional comments to put you down and harm your emotional well being, it's only smart to avoid them. I wouldn't personally go out of my way to make it known I'm doing so but that just me. I also tend to give a person a few tries at open, honest communication, especially family. But we all have our limits and that's perfectly ok and our right to stand up for ourselves. My dad can drop people so easy too and it's always been a point of concern for me....like if I do the wrong thing am I out? I don't think my dad would ever do that, nor would I give him reason. As I'm getting older and sicker, I've needed to put up boundaries pretty firmly and I sometimes question my decision to stop contact with certain people....then I remind myself of the many times they intentionally hurt me and my efforts to resolve the issue being thrown into my face and I don't feel so bad. I think you did what you need to do for now and if she's not an a-hole, perhaps she will recognize what she did and apologize.

My dad is one of the happiest people I know...seriously. But he will drop someone at the first sign they think in a way he doesn't. I always worry I'm a bit like him in that regard but mine is a bit different and less staunch. My dad is also the type who doesn't care at all what someone thinks of him and is completely comfortable in his skin and telling people to fluck off.

[jacky8807]

when I have tried open honest discussions with her she accused me of being dramatic (omg I am the opposite)
so I guess I gave up and shut down and shut her out
i have been putting up with b.s. for years because i truly believe ppl are good at heart. There are many things that lead me to think otherwise these days.

oh my dad too. he had it rough, really rough growing up. he got out and got better. but he still has his issues
he cuts the cord and never looks back lol

thx Elsa for the reply

[Wild Coyote]

Well, ladies, I think you've solved it!

I have a hard time with this, too. I usually try to talk it out; however, this person just seems to insult you further as you talk. What else can you do?
This doesn't necessarily mean you will always freeze her out. You may feel more charitable toward her at some point, or not.

Maybe she will stop and think about her own behaviors. Maybe not.
Either way, you need to behave in a way most healthy for yourself.


WC

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by jacky8807

I gave the cold shoulder to a family member this afternoon at a family event. she has made disparaging and blatantly rude comments about my problems. she is one of those ones with deep seated insecurities so she must prove to the world how perfect she is .

anyway I feel bad. it goes against my nature to freeze somebody out so blatantly while socializing with everybody else. I am a forgive and forget type, often to easily. But I feel like I am changing and perhaps it's making me colder?

should I feel bad about this? Am I so fed up with B.S. im going to become like my dad who can drop some one out of his life in 5 seconds flat? is that always a bad thing? idk

I understand how you feel. I would have difficulty writing off another person. But, just because you feel it and it is difficult, doesn't mean it's good.

I think you did nothing wrong here. I've spent a lot of time trying to make people like me (even on here, ha!) and it is not worth it! You are worth more than that! If they choose to be rude and unkind to/about you, imho, l would avoid them too!

[Sunflower123]

I was reading an article on another thread about toxic people and she definitely sounds like a toxic person to you. I don't think you should feel bad. You are only protecting yourself and your mental health by limiting this toxic exposure.

[bukowski06]

I think if you go in knowing that someone has that attitude, it's better than expecting something different and being let down. I do agree that you can be polite but I don't think you have to go out of your way for someone like that

[jacky8807]

it's too bad. we had a lot of fun as kids together
being polite worked for a while but the last incident left me cold. There have been many in between an ok relationship (mainly because I chose to forgive)

but she has become the type of person who at any sign of weakness will use it to eat you up. lots of boring family dynamics at play as to why she thinks this makes her a strong person but really she is just selfish, insecure and cruel.

I saw her face though and I know I got to her. that's when I felt bad. but then I think of all the things she has said to me over the years (you would be appalled) and i think screw her .

family does not always mean you have to stick it out I'm learning
I think
we will see haha

[jacky8807]

even writing this I feel like a complainer and I feel guilt. this is my mother's side of the family where guilt reigns supreme. my dad's side feels no guilt.
I'm confused
**** maybe I do need a therapist

sorry for the blabbering

[jacky8807]

sorry one more thing lol

her first sons father who she has a no contact order against has bipolar. you have been able to see her son is "different" for lack of a better term, since he was little. he is ten now and in my opinion it is obvious he is going to inherit the illness

she has no clue because she has not dealt with this before. it will be a big wake-up call and can only hope she changed by then

[Wild Coyote]

It's a tough subject, jacky.
Don't be hard on yourself for experiencing conflict around this.

I have a sister like this and she is blatantly cruel. I have tried to have heart-to-hearts with her, to no avail. I limit my exposure to her. I have to.

It's okay to let toxic people know their behavior is toxic to us.

It's okay to do what's best for us.


WC

[jacky8807]

thanks for that W.C.!!!

[~Christina]

Its okay to drop people out of your life if its causing you a whole can of grief and BS.

I had to do this a few times, Yeah I felt a bit bad at first but I would remind myself why I needed to do so, that always reminds me that I have a choice who I allow in my life and I need and deserve supportive people.

[Unrigged64072835]

I don't think of it as having a cold shoulder. I think it's more protecting yourself. You do have the right not to talk to people who hurt you. Nothing to be guilty about.

[Ljj7000]

Keeping a distance from this person may help, if you can. No one should talk to you in a condescending manner.

[jacky8807]

thank you for the support guys.

I am just not going to let others bring me down anymore
you guys are right. it IS ok to let ppl go sometimes.