[xRavenx]

I noticed how I became way too skilled at masking my emotions, from everyone around me. It's for survival for the sake of being able to make ends meet working, and I'm also dependent on escaping my feelings in order to keep a decent relationship with friends and family. While I thrive on being helpful in my every day life and love to make others happy, I feel afraid to let my guard down.

Growing up, my parents have never been good dealing with emotions. It has always been, "Well, I don't know! What do you want me to do about it?" whenever I was experiencing depression. There was a lot of blame placed on me, and I was brought up that not being able to "snap out of it," made me a weak person. It also made me feel rejected, if I were to show my vulnerable side, based on my parents' reaction. Another bad pattern: sometimes I act like certain things people do have little to no effect on me. Otherwise, I become ashamed. Now, I realize these patterns have caused me to be a very self-blaming person. I have gone to therapy, but it became too triggering and expensive, so I'm on a break.

Can anyone else relate to feeling a lot of pressure to be happy or "strong" all of the time? I'm sick of living a lie. I am also tired of being seen as the "strong one" at times, because I am really not at all. The more I think about it, the more broken I feel that I am.

[Victoria'smom]

With my husband he knows my struggles but to everyone else I'm the strong, silent type.

[wildflowerchild25]

I used to be like that. Growing up, my mom was very fragile. Any little thing would upset her. She would fall into deep depressions where she wouldn't come out of her room for weeks. My brother and I were actively told to not upset her. So I stuffed all my feelings down. I told her I thought I was depressed once in sixth grade and she shrugged it off. But I could only be strong for so long before I snapped. Then my mom had to pay attention.

Now I still keep a mask on, or at least I try. But I'm not very good at it anymore. People can usually tell when I'm depressed. I wish I could still hide it but you know what, it's who I am. If they can't handle it then oh well.

[scatterbrained04]

I tend to hide it too. My immediate family doesn't really see or hear much about illness. When I'm depressed, I get quiet, which I just write off as being tired or not feeling well. When I was in severe depression as a teen, I got yelled at a lot of being depressed and staying in my room. So I assume showing my symptoms will just get more of the same. Somehow I get labelled as the strong one a lot. I don't know. Anyway being a chronic "hider" has drawbacks because it's so automatic that I have trouble not doing that with my pdoc. So it kind of works against me getting help.

[Sunflower123]

I grew up in a household where it wasn't ok to show emotions. These days, I mainly have severe depression and anxiety. Nobody can tell when I'm depressed but I can't hide the anxiety very well. Best wishes.

[RainyDay107]

Raven, I relate to your post very much. All I can really add is that my "mask of sanity" fell both during childhood and my marriage - yet, I received no support or help. Quite the opposite, although those were very emotionally (and sometimes physical) abusive relationships.

Ultimately, I had to help myself and I generally spend little time with people except my family and a friend (she also has bipolar).

My mom and dad are deceased and I divorced. I'm now with a supportive person. My partner also has bipolar 1, so we support each other. Sometimes he said he cannot "read" my emotions or tell how I feel, as he is not as an emotional person as I am. (You may relate to this from your H, I hope you don't mind me giving my opinion on that.). I can also be myself around my girlfriend, as she relates and shares her struggles with me.

I do need to tell my partner if I need help. However, I'm still so used to putting others first and "remaining" strong ... he has to remind me to be myself. Yet, he reminds me sometimes he can tell something is troubling me and sometimes he cannot.

Sometimes he thinks something is wrong, but I am fine, lol. So we have a lot of communication in this regard. And this goes vice-versa as to him, although I often can tell if he is unwell and I see what I can do. Sometimes we can do nothing but give support and not judge.

I am disabled now but I very much had to keep a strong front on at work. There was no room for error, much less "weakness." They also HIGHLY discouraged calling in sick. I finally "lost it" at work during a manic, psychotic break and yelled at a group of admin staff - VERY unlike me, but I was manic and delusional with psychotic paranoia.

Basically, I don't have much to add. I can tell you that STRESS made things worse. My T is trying to teach me self-care, such as putting my health first.

It's difficult and I am thinking of you.

[liveforsummer]

Yes can totally relate. Kept the mask on all my life. If depressed/anxious avoided people so they had no clue. If hypo/manic would try to rein it in cause I knew otherwise I'd say something alarming. Been relatively easy to do as we live 45 min from family so can stay away when needed. Also no one really knows how you really feel since communication is all by text now.
Tried to be the perfect mom and yes I was always perceived as strong. My hubby is the only one to see the moments I've broken down and totally snapped. My last meltdown led to the BP Dx which I opened up about to most of my family and couple close friends. Glad I did. It's hard to live behind a mask.
Hugs to all

[UpDownAround]

You want to talk about people who put up a false front? Please bow, for you are in the presence of their king. Sorry; just a bit hypo today...

Yes, professionally especially so. But some hypo creeps in their when I get animated in meetings. Hiding my substance abuse was second nature as was putting up a brave face to most people when I was in the dark place. That was/is the hardest. I am shedding it with those close to me as I am being more proactive in dealing with my issues. It really gets in the way of getting help. It also makes it hard to make new friends as they start to see the cracks in the facade and find out I am a different person than I project.

[Blaire]

I can definitely relate. I work full time and have school stuff to deal with for my kid, so I have to hide my mental health problems as best I can. I put on a fake smile and do my best to pretend I'm happy. When I'm very depressed, it shows. I appear very tired, vacant, and expressionless no matter how hard I try to act normal.

I also came from a family where emotions were not allowed, so not being able to control them feels very shameful and dangerous to me. It's difficult to get close to new people because they think I'm so happy and funny, but eventually they'll see the other side and run for the hills. I'm lucky I've got three close friends who have seen me at my worst and stuck around. I still try to act happier than I am, though, even when I'm with them.

[Fuzzybear]

[Wild Coyote]

I've spent a lifetime masking depression and feelings, except "happy" ones.

I was nick-named "sunshine," "smiley" and similar names while I was chronically depressed within, even as a child/teen.

I am able to be honest with my H; yet, sometimes, I hold back so he does not feel stressed. He can read me well though.

I'm struggling with concentration issues right now. I had more to share, but it's gone from me for now.

Most of all, thanks for this thread and thanks to the posters.


WC

xxRavenxx
I relate to this SO much. So very much.
So much that I can't write more without bursting into tears on the bus.
You're not alone.

Based on what I've seen, I believe that society (in general) has a sick way of viewing any kind of mental unwellness. To the average, non-mentally-ill person, it's just not socially acceptable to show signs of anxiety, depression, etc etc..

The truth is that people are all about themselves and not about others. We are a selfish society. We want our day to be a good day and we don't want anyone else "ruining" it for us.

Anyone here is welcome to call me ridiculous, but I ask you to think about it for one moment. Is it really socially acceptable to show "negative" emotions? I mean, why else would we hide our feelings like this if they were socially acceptable?

This is not a post about what should be and what shouldn't be. This is a post about what IS and what ISN'T.

So, Raven, I completely understand what you're saying. Society's general beliefs are nothing short of a massive clusterfuk, so I blame those beliefs for exacerbating many of our problems. Being mentally ill is just NOT acceptable these days, and I'm very sorry to everyone who gets hurt by this ignorance on a daily basis. I feel/share your pain.

[Guiness187055]

God, I can relate to this. I always wore a mask when I wasn't on meds until the mania just would not let me wear it anymore. Now I have a new mask and this one is harder to maintain especially with my wife. I can never be up or down or she will try to diagnose me. So I just try to wear this ho hum mask and pretend everything is ok even when it's not.

[liveforsummer]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

God, I can relate to this. I always wore a mask when I wasn't on meds until the mania just would not let me wear it anymore. Now I have a new mask and this one is harder to maintain especially with my wife. I can never be up or down or she will try to diagnose me. So I just try to wear this ho hum mask and pretend everything is ok even when it's not.

Oh my gosh you are so right. Once I told people my Dx now I do feel I'm always being assessed. Gets annoying. (even if they are right sometimes)

[Unrigged64072835]

I grew up with an alcoholic mother and an abusive father. I was there to do chores, make good grades, and be quiet.

When I was in the military I learned to put on a good front. That served me well until 2012 when I had my meltdown.

Now I'm at the point where I don't really care how I look. Even if I did put up a front, my daughter and husband would see right through it, so there's no point.

[xRavenx]

Thank you so much everyone for sharing and for your support!! Also, hugs to everyone here and support to all who struggle with this issue.

I would often feel alone with feeling I can't really be "me." Putting on a show for others gets tiresome. There's been times where I've tried to let my guard down, but some people get scared or have went as far as turned their back on me, once they learned that I am not the person they think I am. It seems others see me as a therapist figure, but to me, it's becoming a curse, because where are others for support, when I need it? I don't say this to be selfish. It's just that there's only so much I can take after years and years. So I've become conditioned to keep my mouth shut about my problems.

My mother seems ashamed. Other family members are on medication, but she does not want anyone to know about me; as if it's her choice who I tell and who I don't tell. She had to keep me away from family during times where I've experienced a serious episode. Even though I wouldn't disclose my mental health history to them any way, it hurts how my mother tries to "hide" from the family: God forbid family knew I had a mental health problem. Most of them have problems any way, so what's the big deal? Sorry....I don't want to go off on a tangent.