[imscaredofmeds]

This is going to be a long post, apologies in advance. I'm at my wit's end.

Background.

I thought I was "emotionally immature" most of my life and decided to see a shrink when I was 25. I'm 28 now. I was sick of the temper tantrums, the times I would get depressed and hate myself, and the times I was way too hyper. I also had bouts of spending money and doing drugs or doing crazy risky behavior. I thought I was adventurous, fun, and just in general a really emotional person, which I thought was good and bad. Sometimes though, these things were during times I did drugs like speed.

I was diagnosed with bipolar NOS and prescribed Depakote after ten minutes of talking with my first PDOC and left the room. After a month passed, I felt like I had gained a superpower, though. I wasn't as irritable (mainly my mom, since I lived with her), and I started becoming stable... for the most part. The episodes didn't stop, but they did happen less and when they did happen, they were less severe. I still do stupid stuff. I still have shopping sprees. I'm still "adventurous." But for the most part, I feel more capable of "adulting." In the past 3 years, I was put on benzos for anxiety. I was put on sleeping meds for sleep, until I found Ambien, both of them incredibly addicting.

The Switch.

A few months ago, the Depakote stopped working as much. I started having about two episodes a month, which was unusual for me. I started doing research on new drugs, and I found awesome reviews for Lamictal. I saw that reviews for Depakote sucked compared to Lamictal, so I asked my doctor to switch. He complied, and I was slowly weaned off of the Depakote and put on a temporary switch to Latuda while I adjusted to the Lamictal. Oh, BTW, there is no bipolar NOS anymore, so now I'm bipolar 2.

The switch was horrible. I had terrible nightmares from the Latuda. I stayed on my Valium and Ambien, but I had some hypomanic episodes (which, at worst, involved a few porn or shopping sprees) and a few depressive episodes (which involved me hating myself and feeling sorry for myself for a night or two, max). In the middle of this switch, I had to switch doctors too as if the med change wasn't enough, because the staff at the previous place was terrible, and I had to wait up to an hour and a half multiple times, and eventually would have to go to work, so I'd miss my appointment, and then have to reschedule a month later, so I'd have no idea what to do because my shrink didn't take phonecalls... it was a mess.

I did what I could and stuck to "the plan" from my previous PDOC though. I got off the Latuda and upped the Lamictal when I was supposed to. I found a new PDOC, and did a drug test. I explained what I could. Thought she was a bit rude, but hoped she just "knew what she was doing" and tried it out. She put me on a low dose of Seroquel, her idea, and upped my Lamictal to continue my "plan" from my previous PDOC. I switched to Xanax because I asked, because I used to be on it and my previous PDOC wouldn't do Xanax.

The Past Three Weeks.

I had a total meltdown after three days. I think it was the switch to Xanax, because I had a weird "reality was too real" attack and I hadn't taken my Xanax that day. Maybe it was the Valium leaving my body. A ****ing vein exploded in my forehead I think, and I still have a small bump that seems to be going away, but not sure. I'm worried it's permanent. I had to go to Urgent Care that day. I was terrified. There, they said my PDOC shouldn't have made so many adjustments at once (new med, upped another med, and switched another med), and to tell her I would only do one at a time. I had also asked my PDOC for a Lamictal blood test, but she said those don't exist, but the nurse at Urgent Care said she used to administer those herself... which seemed suspicious. My PDOC did give me a call back during this meltdown, which was nice, and I asked to go back down to 100mg of Lamictal (she upped me to 200mg because that was my previous PDOC's plan. I thought it was the Lamictal at the time, still could have been, not sure). Overall for those two weeks I felt pretty good, but I was pretty hypersexual, had crazy hypersexual dreams, and a depressive short episode until I went to sleep. So what was the point of these meds? My 2nd visit with her happened a few days ago. Another pee test. I told her about the one med change at a time, yet she ended up trying to make 3 changes again. She said there is a Lamictal test but there's no point in taking it. Put me back on Valium after begging, but put on a lower dose. Rude and didn't take me seriously, asked me stupid questions again. Upped my Seroquel. Said I can't take as much Ambien because of that. "See me in two weeks." Rude people in the office.

The Side Effects.

I'm not sure when these started. They could be from long term use of the addicting drugs I take, they could be from me getting older, they could just be a part of me, who knows. I have no idea what symptoms are from what anymore.

* Shaky hands.
* Headaches in the morning.
* Feeling stupid.
* Unable to respond on time.
* Brain zaps.
* I don't feel sharp. Have to be told something several times sometimes.
* Hard to hear things, slight auditory hallucinations.
* Memory problems.
* Terribly vivid dreams. Sometimes this is okay, sometimes terrible.
* Impending sense of doom (worst part) that I'm going to die, or that something bad is going to happen.
* Addicted to benzos to be happy and Ambien to sleep.
* Feeling foggy.
* Blurry vision.
* Can't focus on single tasks sometimes.
* Can't stop fidgeting sometimes.
* Not sure if hair is thinning because I'm getting older, from meds, or if I'm just being a hypochondriac.

The Problem.

I have no idea any longer who I normally am without meds, and I have no idea what side effects are from which meds. I'm sick of the switches, I'm sick of not knowing if these meds are even working, I'm sick of being addicted to meds, I'm terrified of being off of them and terrified of being on them. I don't want to "need" meds. I'm also not even sure if they are working, because I'm still having ****ing episodes, which I can manage myself for the most part. I'm also sick of PDOCs or staff that doesn't care. My new PDOC is kind of rude and thinks I'm an idiot and asks me really stupid questions, and tells me I'm wrong about certain things, as if I didn't do my own research. She wants to see me every two weeks and I have to do a drug test, which is humiliating, I haven't touched drugs in years. She prescribes two weeks in advance and that's it. I honestly think I can be bipolar w/o meds if I just excercise, meditate, have a strict sleeping routine, and learn to manage my emotions. I don't even mind manic episodes, I can channel them into being productive, it's the depressive ones I don't like, but they are very short and go away if I go to sleep. Not sure if I would become irritable again if I got off of them, honestly. Not sure if I'd have the above-mentioned side effects.

TL;DR: I've lost sight of why I'm on meds. I'm terrified of them and their side effects. I want to "reboot" and see who I am without them, and see if I can manage life without them. I'm sick of meds, PDOCs, rude staff, terrible side effects... but I am also scared to get off them.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. Changing multiple medications and dosages at the same time is highly unusual. I think you need to set an appointment with another pdoc which could be 6-8 weeks out and continue seeing your current pdoc every 2 weeks. You need a second opinion. I have also heard of med washes but these are usually done IP. Good luck and best wishes.

[Victoria'smom]

Have you tried therapy? If you're going to go med free I'd suggest seeing a therapist, even if you take meds therapists are helpful. I would get another opinion as this pdoc is rude and seems to be careless. I know it's common in my area for a drug test every appointment if your on certain medications mainly anti anxiety meds. The only way out of that is to take a non-benzo medication or no anti anxiety meds.