[dshantel]

It's 4:44am and it's raining outside. I love the sound of the rain but I just feel so miserable inside. It feels like eternity away until my appointment with my therapist. It's on Wednesday. I'm just so not happy, well it's more than unhappy. I feel hopeless as far as my future guess because right now the way things are, it's not how I want things and I can't really change anything. I feel stuck. So isolated. So alone. I'm going crazy being here. The only time I talk to anyone other than my kids or husband is if I have to go to an appointment or when we go to the store and I can say hi to the cashier. That's it. That's my adult conversation when it happens. My life is nothing now. I keep thinking about how long things will be this way. My husband will be up on review for promotion in November. We are movable so who knows where we'll end up if he gets promoted. A part of me hopes that if we move things will be better but then a bigger part of me knows that it will just be the same as it is here. What will be different, nothing other than a change in location. My husband blames me. He says it's my fault because I don't drive. I have anxiety so that is not something that will happen in the near future but I don't think that has anything to do with it. If I did drive, I feel like it wouldn't make too much difference to now. I'd still be home with my kids and have no friends and know no one. Not driving didn't affect me where we lived before. My friends don't even talk to me anymore. Heck if I died would they even notice. Probably not because like I said they don't even talk to me anymore. It's like once you become an inconvenience and can no longer benefit them they don't have anything to do with you. Even if they pass through here or come to the city I'm in no one even stops to think how I might be doing. I stopped reaching out once I realized that they didn't care because I'm tired of being lied to and getting my hopes up. There are 2 people who used to call or come by if they needed me to do their hair and they wanted no charge. I just don't know how long I can live like this. Nothing about this situation is getting better any time soon.

[Wander]

Depression can be so isolating. I am so sorry you are suffering like this. Remember that depression lies to us. You are a beautiful person who has infinite value, to end your life would be a profound tragedy. It may feel like an unending darkness right now but the sun will rise, somehow, someway. Just hold on and do all you know to cope, even that means to simply keep breathing. PM me anytime if you want to chat.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I think it's harder today to build and maintain friendships then in the past. It has to be very isolating to be home with your kids all day without the ability to drive. Do you take something for anxiety? You might feel less stuck and have some pathways open to you if you learn to drive. Best wishes. Sending big hugs.