[rewrite05]

Hey all,

I've been battling both bipolar and alcoholism for years now. It's been hell, both for me and for my family. My last major breakdown has me with 2 lost jobs in a month, my wife leaving me, not wanting me unsupervised with my only child and in a house I can't afford much longer completely alone. I've felt so alone that I've even found myself lying in bed at 2 pm asking "My God, why have you forsaken me?"

Until today. Today I realized that all of this has led me to live in a bubble of my own self interest and despair. Because I didn't take my meds, go to work, cut out enough money to pay for insurance to get care, get substance abuse counciling or just generally take care of myself I created suffering for my parents who are trying to support me now. I created suffering for my wife who had to watch as the love of her life descended into hell time and again and then worst of all, made his daughter watch as her daddy, who she still says is the best daddy in the world and wants to spend her meager $30 she got the other day on his birthday gift, was passed out or drink or angry or arguing with her mom instead of using the programming kit he bought with her. Or playing cards with her or just cuddling up and watching a movie with her.

I know I am sick, I know I have issues and that's brought me to my knees even though normally I'm a very strong willed person. But if I could get out of the bubble of my own misery then I would see that if nothing else I could have at least made their misery a little bit better.

I'll never stop those thousand little voices stabbing into my mind like razors telling me that I'm nothing, a joke, a has been at best and a never was at worst. I can't stop those arrows from hitting me but I can get out of my bubble and I can stop them from hitting those I love, but I've got to armor up and give myself a fighting chance. I've got to take my meds, get on a schedule, have me morning and evening rituals. If it was a gunman in a dark alley, I'd gladly take the bullet, so why not a few pills and a few sessions. It's not easy but nothing worth the glory ever is. So I invite you all who are here with me, though this **** hole brain disorder can block out the sun, let us band together and fight in the shade. Much love to all who suffer but if you have breath in your lungs then let us rise up and we will carry each other through the trenches of warfare and in my own mantra "lead my not unto temptation but deliver me from evil". Goodnight.

[Woolly Bugger]

Amen, brother. Sounds like you are on the right path.

[Guiness187055]

Sounds similar to my story. Hang in there it gets better.