[JanusunaJ]

Sometimes I awaken from a deep depressive(or hypomanic) slumber only to find my world in flames or completely burned to the ground.

Most recently, I entered into a very long depressive "slumber" that lasted virtually three years -- from summer 2014 until summer 2017. And now here I am looking around after having awakened to see my most important relationships completely asunder and those bridges not only burned but demolished to the point of being nonexistent; and basically finding myself having to nearly(i.e. figuratively) start from scratch, nil, zero to (re)build my life.

How many times have I done this -- started from "zero"? I know at least once(possibly twice) and it took an extreme amount of work to not only rebuild but exceed. Here I am in a similar position: starting over. I've lost the last years of my youth to this disease, of which I consider to be biomedical rather than biopsychosocial. I was 25-26 years old. Now I'm 33. I can think of only one to 1.5 years spread between 25/26 to 33 that were good; the vast majority of those were when I was 28.

But(!) I'm starting yet again at zero and it's so daunting because I can't help but to see my future filled with innumerable moments where I'm starting from zero after I've put in months and effing years of blood, sweat, and tears toward my endeavors -- only to know that I'll have to start from zero again.

Cheers to the perpetual start-over.

[Wild Coyote]

I think I may understand.
I have groups of years that are very foggy. While I know I was still myself and did not do anything out of character during these times, I am at a loss for much of what I did/did not do. I was very withdrawn, my world had gotten very small and relationships fell by the wayside. I also find myself "awakening," seeing the ruins and trying to figure out how to rebuild, once again. I now often wonder if I am up to the "rebuilding" process anymore.
Yet, I do try, with limited gusto.
you are not alone in this.


WC

[bpforever1]

You're still young and can do whatever you choose. I'm 50 and started over when I was 48 years old. It is tough in this world to be old and look for jobs. But, I am happy and healthy. I cannot complain with what I have. I get by and am looking to be creative about my job situation. Starting over is not easy for anybody. But, you still have time on your side. Best Wishes!!