Feel like I am being blamed for my MI

I had a rough therapy session yesterday because we got into my relationship with my wife. To say it is strained is putting it mildly. She has pretty much shut me out for years. Cordial most of the time with half second kisses good bye and that's it. Separate rooms, no physical or emotional intimacy.

Anyway, I broke down a couple of times but my t said that there are two sides and I really need to have the conversation I have been avoiding; maybe there is some hope. So last night I talked to my wife about it. She said it is because for over 20 years she put up with me being up or down and never knowing which I would be. She said she took the brunt of that and that I did not consider the toll it took on others. I reminded her that we had discussed depression several times and I did apologize for how I made her feel. She said there were a few times but "Sorry isn't good enough. I can't be intimate with someone who treated me that way."

She knew I was diagnosed as bipolar at the time it happened over 20 years ago. She knew I had trouble accepting that and had the depression treated and pretty much ignored the hypomania for years and never tried to get me to handle it any other way. She said she understands that I don't control my mood swings and my problems with alcohol were pretty tightly coupled with depression.

What I don't get is why she chose to freeze me out and stay in the marriage instead of splitting up if she can't handle my MI.

The really odd thing is after that heart to heart, she went right back to business as usual; being cordial and nothing more. She doesn't seem to see the conversation as any kind of turning point in our relationship.

I think you need to directly state that you'd like it to be.
(It's easy to think that'd be obvious, but it's not.)

Congrats on having the talk, it can't have been easy. (Sorry such a short reply, I'm on the bus.)

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I'm so sorry you're having marriage problems. I have a great marriage now but it has not been a smooth ride. I left my husband 3 times, all before I was diagnosed.So I feel for you. Hugs.

Congrats on starting the conversation. It's not easy to do. I agree with Innerzone, you can still bring more clarity to the table... telling her what you'd like to see happen. Of course, it's taking more of a risk.

I'm sorry your wife did not respond as you would have liked upon the first conversation. Have you both ever considered couples counseling?


WC

I have been trying to get her to counseling for years. When I said she didn't see it as a turning point, I meant it doesn't seem to phase her that we have discussed it and are at an impasse. She already knew that she was unwilling to consider ever resuming physical or emotional intimacy with me. She has basically become asexual and is fine with it. We did touch on our different viewpoints about retirement and she said it could result in us living apart. The odd thing is she said it like she was saying what's for dinner. I was crying and she was showing no emotion.

That sucks, UpDownAround. I'm really sorry this is the state of things and that she is so cold and immoveable about it.

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Sending big hugs your way!!

I don't know what to write...I hope she has a change of heart. I can only imagine how painful this must be for you.

I am not sure if it is a change of heart just yet, but she seems to want me to really understand where she is at. My list of transgressions is long and legit. I never cheated but I hid drinking and lied about it, sometimes even though I was reeking of alcohol at the time. I would clam up, go dark and not help as much around the house or with kids or I would try to make plans for everyone around my current interests and get frustrated when she felt like it was too expensive or not everyone would enjoy it. Those two are what bug me; that is BP at work and she has to deal with it.

She accepted a promotion that she had talked about refusing because she wasn't sure she could depend on me (I will need to handle a lot of kid appointments). She is treating me nicer around the house in the day time.

When I quit drinking, she didn't get too excited about it because "we have been here before." The same is true about improvements in our relationship; I have quit drinking for 6 to 18 months and not seen much improvement in the last few years (before that, we would get close again). Right now, I am just 5 days short of 4 months clean and sober. So any complaints about recent behavior are about my character/personality or my MI. Those are thing that have to be accepted or rejected. If they are accepted we need to get close again. If they are rejected, we need to separate. I will give it a little more time before I hit her with that ultimatum; I have been sober longer a few times and gone back in the tank.

I have to admit that I fear I may end up alone if things don't work out; that's a big reason why I have stayed so long with the current situation.

Are you going to AA? I dont know if she is blaming you, or if you are blaming her, but i do think AA could help you figure some stuff out.

No, I have used SMART and right now attending Recovery International (broad range of issues addressed there). I have tried AA in the past and have some major problems with it. I don't believe in a higher power and don't believe I am powerless. My longer stints of sobriety were using other or no groups.

I've been in your situation. Now that I'm medicated and sober, I am rebuilding trust. My wife is very compassionate, but it doesn't mean that if I hurt her or am unstable around her that she can just let it go. Sometimes the reason for the behavior doesn't make it any less impactful to a partner.

It's commendable that you found the courage to open up the lines of communications. I know it seems like she went back to business as usual, but I'm willing to bet that that's not entirely true. I suspect that she's going to need you to do the heavy lifting on this one at first.

As far as the bedroom, that takes time and trust. I was frozen our for years as well. My willingness to do everything within my power to get level and sober is what helped build that trust. The fact that she has stayed with you says a lot.

It's not difficult to feel blamed for having a mental illness. I am still struggling with the idea that mental disorders are not like diseases as diagnosis only describe the behavior and not necessarily the root causes of such.

It always helps to know what causes your bipolar behavior rather than belittling yourself just because of your behavior.

You are bigger than your diagnosis.

Big hugs. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. People have a really hard time understanding and dealing with what we have to live with every day. A particularly bad bipolar episode pretty much ended my marriage because my ex couldn’t deal with how I acted when I was manic.