[zbmom]

I feel like I'm at a cross road. I've managed med-free for 3 years (well except for anxiety meds) but not very well. I've gotten to a point where I don't know if I am just rapid cycling, or if I'm just getting worse because I'm older or what. I took a genetic test to see if any psych meds would work for me since I had horrible failed attempts when first diagnosed 6 years ago. I'm supposed to meet with pdoc on Monday to go over results and options.

At the same time I've been super depressed. Like I was feeling a lot of sadness and crying and grief but lately I just feel this like apathy or emotional numbness. I don't feel sad but I can't seem to feel anything except anxiety. Are meds really going to help me? Am I going to be able to be happy, to enjoy the things in my life that are good? Am I going to be able to stop thinking about not being here anymore? I dream about it, I think about it persistently, I suppose I fantasize about it even. What and how I would do.

Usually when the ideation gets this bad I can stave it off for a day at a time by cutting which has been sort of working since Monday but getting tired. I know I'm in a bad and high risk place but I'm so good at pretending everything is fine and wearing that normal mask. I'm good at shoving the feelings aside. The persistent thoughts are driving me crazy. I don't want to die because I would hurt my family, but if I could escape this life without hurting anyone I would have left long ago. It's hard to have so many reasons to stay and so little joy from those reasons.

Is this what being bipolar means? Am I always going to be in a fight to stay here for my family? Am I always going to go through life with the threat of the thunderclouds overhead, with the shoe waiting to squish me or the ground to open up and swallow me? When will it ever be enough, when will I ever be enough? I have a good husband, a child I love, a job, why isn't that enough? Why do I still feel this way even after all of the proactive steps and hard work I've put in?

What if the meds don't work......what if I do go over the edge? There is a part of me that is so scared that one day I'm going to lose this battle. There is a big part of me that says it's inevitable so why keep going. And another part of me is screaming at me that my kid needs me and I'm not allowed to be selfish that I have to stay in hell for him because what kind of mother leaves her child? I hate myself for feeling this way and having these thoughts and it's all just too hard.

[bewise93]

I've been where you were 4 years ago. I refused to take my meds and my illness got worse. There were days on end I wouldn't eat and would just cry. The last two days I've been feeling down, but it's nowhere near what it used to be. With my mood stabilizers and antidepressants, I am able to not hit rock bottom. The depression is about a 4, where it used to be a 10 four years ago. Also my irritable manias are about a 3, when they were a 9 or 10 4 years ago. It DOES get better. If you don't like taking meds, maybe just take one at a time. Lamictal, Seroquel, and Latuda are all approved for bipolar depression. Maybe start with just one of them. I'm not a dr, but lamictal and seroquel work wonders for me. Stay safe and show yourself some love.

[Sunflower123]

It does get better. I struggled through many of the same things you’re struggling with on and off throughout my daughter’s life and had many of the same questions. My doctor put me on a new medication when my daughter went off to college and it’s made all the difference. It’s helped my anxiety and depression and I’m stable for the first time in many years. I hope you get the right med combo as well. I’m here if you need to talk. Sending big hugs.

[NatsukiKuga]

BP2 here.

Does it get better?

No.

Sometimes it does for a while, but then the answer turns out to be even worse.

Misery is the river of the world, mid friend. What matters offs Edgar we manner off it.

[NatsukiKuga]

Darn assutocorrect.

Misery is the river of the world, my friend. What matters ie what ee make of it.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

It did for get better me. It didn't go away but it got easier. It took 70 meds and a lot of combinations but since I went on clozapine in February 2016 I've had only several mild and one moderate episode which is unbelievable for me. Until now I had non-ending cycling and quite a few severe episodes yearly along with lots of moderate, sometimes mild, episodes. So this is a lot better.

It's hard to wait it out. Hopefully the genetic test will help you.

[UpDownAround]

Lamictal was the med that put seat belts on my roller coaster.

[bluemountains]

Does it get better? For me, no, for you, I hope so.
Bluemountains

I am choosing to believe things will get better—I hope you will find hope and keep trying.

I’ve started therapy; I don’t think medication alone will do it. I know I have patterns of thinking that causes me to go down the drain.

I’m retrying drugs that I rejected before. So far, the lithium has the least bothersome side effects.

Hang in there

[Victoria'smom]

Does it get better? Yes and no.
My paranoia is less. My mood swings are shorter but more intense. My medication has made me tired, and overweight. I've discovered I really have nothing to say and I'm not a nice person.

[GoldenSnitch]

Hang in there. Lots of hugs!

I can’t speak to a lot in your post since I’m on meds and I only got diagnosed 1.5 years ago.

But I can relate to your feelings. I hope that it does get better for you and you can realize that you are enough.

[jacky8807]

sure it gets better....
then it gets worse...
then it gets better...

[Shazerac]

I'm not saying it always does get better. but It CAN get better. You won't know until you try. Some people with bipolar manage to get by without meds, but in my opinion that's all their doing....just getting by. Why not flourish? It is possible. My life isn't perfect on meds, but it's a helluva lot better then it was when I was not on meds.

[zbmom]

On Sunday the 15th things got really bad for me and

Possible trigger:

I attempted suicide by overdose.

I just got out of the hospital yesterday. I'm looking into outpatient options. I think I may have had my first ever mixed episode but I am not sure. I see pdoc today. Wish me luck.

[Guiness187055]

It gets tolerable.

[NatsukiKuga]

Originally Posted by zbmom

On Sunday the 15th things got really bad for me and

Possible trigger:

I attempted suicide by overdose.

I just got out of the hospital yesterday. I'm looking into outpatient options. I think I may have had my first ever mixed episode but I am not sure. I see pdoc today. Wish me luck.

Sorry about your Sunday. Been going through a mixed episode for maybe the last month, and I feel ya.

One thing to know is that left unmedicated, The Condition actually has deleterious physical effects on your brain. Check it out on psycheducation.com

So... meds. I hate them, but I'm afraid of not taking them.

[WildcatVet]

It may not ever be great...but it can be better with the right combination of meds and therapy. I've been on and off meds for a couple of months and feel really bad...but I was doing really well before that and I know I will be again...as soon as I see the new pdoc and get these drugs back to where they were...

[~Christina]

Im sorry you got to the point of OD

Bipolar cycles it always does the true only thing it does.... so yes it can get better. It will cycle again.

I know many people that had stability for numerous years.

Dont give up

[zbmom]

Well I saw my pdoc yesterday. He thinks it is possible I did have a mixed episode but couldn't say for sure. He is keeping me on the latuda they started me on in the hospital and giving me a super low dose of seroquel for anxiety.

He was really empathic about everything but gave me a stern talking to about how if I ever feel that low again I need to head straight to the ER because my family needs me alive. He told me about a different local hospital inpatient unit that is a lot better than the awful one I was in.

He is also putting me on medical leave from work until mid December and told me to file for temporary disability. So I guess that is good, will give me time to recuperate. I have an intake appointment for an intensive outpatient treatment program on Monday.

I just need to stay busy and keep out of trouble until then. I'm still pretty depressed but I see my T in about 45 minutes, maybe that will help. Thanks for the support everyone. This disease is no fun.

[Sunflower123]

I was sorry to read about Sunday the 15th and the OD. I’m glad you’re getting treatment and looking at IOP. It was really helpful to me both times I completed it and I hope you find it helpful as well. Taking off until mid December sounds good as well. This disease is no fun, that’s true. Wishing you the very best. (((((Hugs))))).

[NatsukiKuga]

Originally Posted by zbmom

Well I saw my pdoc yesterday. He thinks it is possible I did have a mixed episode but couldn't say for sure. He is keeping me on the latuda they started me on in the hospital and giving me a super low dose of seroquel for anxiety.

He was really empathic about everything but gave me a stern talking to about how if I ever feel that low again I need to head straight to the ER because my family needs me alive. He told me about a different local hospital inpatient unit that is a lot better than the awful one I was in.

He is also putting me on medical leave from work until mid December and told me to file for temporary disability. So I guess that is good, will give me time to recuperate. I have an intake appointment for an intensive outpatient treatment program on Monday.

I just need to stay busy and keep out of trouble until then. I'm still pretty depressed but I see my T in about 45 minutes, maybe that will help. Thanks for the support everyone. This disease is no fun.

All of those sound like pretty good steps. The quetiapine should do a lot for your anxiety. It's a pretty good sleep aid at low doses - knocks me right out. Did pdoc counsel you on what time of day to take it?

Also, if you haven't already, make sure to read up on potential side effects. Lurasidone and quetiapine are powerful medicines. It's worth it to be forewarned if something funky could be going on. I really hate those Sad Mom + Magic Pill = Happy Mom Latuda ads, as though taking an antipsychotic isn't without some risks.

I know you can take quetiapine without food. What about lurasidone?

Good Luck

[bioChE]

Latuda has to be taken with food, at least 350 calories. Otherwise absorption goes down about 40%.

That being said, I usually take mine without food. I’m going down on dosage in hopes of getting off it, and it’s one way to lower my dose on my own.

[liveforsummer]

As previously said, Ive been med free and "getting by". It all blew up this year and started and stopped 3 different meds (denial on my part) but just started Lamotrigine a week ago and going to try to commit to this because I think there's BETTER out there for me and I don't wanna miss out. Lifes too short.

[NatsukiKuga]

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

As previously said, Ive been med free and "getting by". It all blew up this year and started and stopped 3 different meds (denial on my part) but just started Lamotrigine a week ago and going to try to commit to this because I think there's BETTER out there for me and I don't wanna miss out. Lifes too short.

Of my multiple meds, lamotrigine has made the biggest difference. Just try to titrate up as slowly as you can.

I remember how it used to give me these monster afternoon headaches during titration. Nothing for it but to keep on pushing through - slowly, cautiously - to the other side. It does get better.

Good luck.